Are We In the Same Marriage? II

     I've been thinking on yesterday's post about a 27 year marriage anniversary.  What if divorce wasn't off the table?  What if it was discussed openly as a viable option?  What if the couple weighed it out?  Because I will be honest here, I've never taken divorce out of the equation.  Not because I'm not a Christian, but because life happens.  The reality is divorce can become the only option in the blink of an eye.  Especially if it's not your eye blinking.

      I'll digress to a moment in time I think I might have already discussed here.  A moment I opened my mouth to a young couple openly considering divorce.  My delightful enlightened spouse offered up the time honored, "It gets better."  Followed by a great deal of blah, blah, and more blah that left me wondering if we were in the same marriage.

     I leaned over to the young bride and told her it doesn't get better.  It gets worse.  If she loves him, get ready to buckle down and work 'cause it ain't no picnic and it never will be for more than a weekend.

     They broke up.  I didn't feel responsible or guilty.  I felt relief for them.  They were miserable and their little boy would have endured much more pain to last a life time.  I don't know what happened to her, he remarried and has a little one on the way.  They seem to be satisfied with their choice.

     The funny thing about the whole "divorce is not an option" mantra is that in my almost 50 years of living, I hear men say it more than women.  Men seem to put that on the end of every comment about marriage.  Some may correct me here with their own experience, but I have never heard a woman say it or agree with it.  I'm speculating and drawing a little on my own experience here.  Usually, it's also a pretty difficult man married to a pretty easy going woman starting out the marriage willing to do absolutely anything for him and finding herself pretty disappointed my the extreme lack of reciprocation.  He doesn't bring anything to the table, so taking divorce off the table is no big deal. 

     I say get it out in the open from day one.  Make it an option.  Think it through and if you are a talking type of couple (we aren't), talk it out and see where it takes you.  Marriage isn't a "Christian" institution.  It's an agreement.  A promise to stay together through all these unimaginable difficulties.  Similar beliefs certainly helps, but I don't think being a Christian saves a marriage any more than "taking divorce off the table."  I don't think it hurts to find out what those deal breakers are and re-visit those things with regularity.  For example, in my book lying is a huge deal breaker.  Cheating comes next, but cheating and lying are pretty close, so that may ultimately be the same thing.  Hiding purchases ranks up there pretty high, as well.  I've known a lot of couples that went through emotional affairs and stayed together, but I don't know any couples that full on cheated and stayed together.  Funny thing is, I don't remember covering the deal breakers in pre-marital counseling.

     You see, I don't know if my husband has ever thought about it.  It amuses me to think about it because it would mean we'd have to talk about dissolving the marriage and he hates to talk enough that I think he'd dismiss the thought to keep from talking.

     I think about it.  I think about it long and hard.  Because of some extenuating circumstances, I don't think about it as much.  I don't like the alternatives.  For me, it's been too long and just doesn't matter anymore.  Yeah, I'd like to have that model marriage full of sensitivity and love.  Hand holding.  Love and affection.  Riding off into our twilight years together.  That's not going to happen, so I take the emotions and sex out of the equation and figure out a way to accept the years to come with wisdom and grace.

   Do yourselves a favor and don't take divorce off the table, or even better, put it back on the table.  Talk openly about what it would take to actually, really and truthfully get you, as a couple, to that point and work backward from there.  If you decide there really isn't anything that would make you want to end it forever, then it's true divorce is probably off the table.  But I offer this as well, revisit the idea of divorce when you are both sane and happy because your views will change with time.  Take my word for it.  Those deal breakers will move up and down the rankings.

Damn, Damn, and Damn

I wanted to run tonight.  My batteries were low on the treadmill so I decided to do my P90X before I ran.  I put the batteries in the charger.  It was X Stretch tonight and it felt so good to do I stuck with the whole DVD and wore myself out.  Later, with fresh batteries in the treadmill, I found something to watch on the computer and settled in to a nice 3.6/3.8 mph pace.  I died after 12 minutes.  I didn't even get to breaking a sweat.  Was it the stretch video or the four miles I ran yesterday?  I don't know, I just know I can't run, so I'll forgive myself and record the one run I did early this morning.

Time: 27 minutes
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.4 miles
Calories: 182
Average Speed: 3.11

Are we in the same marriage?

This is interesting.  I've seen this phenomenon in my circle of friends a few times.  A wedding anniversary approaches and "hubby" waxes sentimental with friends raising his (sometimes metaphorical) wine glass to an admiring crowd and speaking loyally and affectionately about the marriage of five, ten, fifteen (and beyond) years.  I wish I could link to the latest.  27 years.  In a week. 

The first thing  notice is this quote:

" . . . so I've been thinking about that."

All I can say is:

Really?  You've been thinking about 'that?' 

He then proceeds to offer up his ten cents in the form of a single silver bullet:

"Take divorce off the table."

Really.  You are one oblivious man if you think she hasn't thought about it once or twice.

The next offering is our glorious three options:

• be miserable
• work it out and be miserable
• learn to love

Apparently, as the entry continues, he has "learned to love."  Meanwhile I wonder who he is passing out this advice to.  As a confidant, I know as a couple, there has been great suffering as he pursued his dreams.  Unemployment, foreclosure, and repossession being one of the top three.  At the risk of becoming too personal, there were also many parenting and relationship choices that almost tore that couple in two deeper than the deepest part of the ocean.

As I read the entry my heart broke for my friend.  The tears I know she's cried because she's cried them on my shoulder.  The loneliness, the bitterness, the abandonment, the thoughtlessness, and resentment she has worked through while I sat and listened without speaking.

He ends the entry with a joking poke at how difficult it must have been to stay with him.  Oh ha ha.  Laugh. Laugh.  It isn't funny.

She hasn't learned to love.  She didn't need to.  She has always loved.  She amazes me.

IDK . . . Was this a good night?

I did some online research today to try to find a different 10K race and may do one in North Miami in January at Oleta River State Park it's part of the DOWN2EARTH groups of runs.  It's a 10K on trails.  Should be fun.  There doesn't appear to be a time limit like the 7 Mile Bridge Run, but it did say runners needed to be able to "run" the 10K.  I suppose that means I need to not hinder the progress of other runners.

It was a good night for P90X and a good night for running, but not such a good night for eating.  My husband brought home fresh pizza as a leftover from an event he attended.  It really seemed to hit the spot because I at four pieces at 300 calories a piece, that's pretty much my entire day's calories in in one sitting, not to mention I'd already eaten 1,000 calories during the day.  I did a little extra P90X, but I was just too worn out to run any more.

Run I
Time: 26
Interval: 2
Distance: ?
Avg. Speed: ?
Calories: ?

Run II
Time: 60 minutes
Interval: non
Distance: 3.7
Speed: 3.7
Calories: 483
P90X: ALL Ab Ripper X!!
Yoga X: 30 minutes
Kenpo X: 15 minutes

Two exercises on Ab Ripper  I did slight modifications--mason twist and another one I don't understand what he's doing so I turned off the CD and made it into two different exercises.  One the mason twist if I pick up my feet I can't touch the ground, so I left my feet down and did 40 reps.

Kenpo X is so fun.  I wish I had a bag to punch.  I will also be shopping for a few yoga blocks.  I really like P90X and can see it helping my running.  If you can't do it, start like I did.  One minute for one week, two minutes on week two.  Before you know it, you will be adding more than a minute a week and wanting to do more.  The change ups in the workouts really helps with boredom!

I need to change the batteries on my treadmill.

Two Runs

I did two runs today.  Felt a little weak, so I held on quite a bit, but stuck it out to the goal time and distance.

Run I
Time: 60
Interval:4
Distance:3.33
Calories:433
Avg Speed: 3.33

I held on a intermittently after 36 minutes.

Run II
Time: 45
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.49
Calories: 326
Avg Speed: 3.32

Kind of a ho hum day for running, but one thing I notice is that I am consistently running faster than three miles per hour.

P90X
Yoga X: 14
Ab Ripper X: 14
Legs & Back: 14

Logging in Some Motivation

It had been about a week since I logged my workouts.  Between the job hunt, studying for my certs, and some other personal crap I've been dealing with I'm really on the skids.  Sitting down and writing down all the work I did last week really helped me see that even though I may not be fast enough and tough enough to run the seven mile bridge when it comes time, it can still be my goal.  So I will relax today and do some running after while and try to tap into the energy I was feeling at the beginning of the month.  My goal for the last of September is the elusive four 15 minute miles.  That may not seem like much to anyone but me, but I have to remember when I started this venture several years ago, I could barely jog for five minutes and I weighed almost 220 pounds.  I'd been kind of fat my entire life from childhood to adulthood.  Thought I was doomed to feeling gross and huge.  Now I look forward to the day I am back down to 168 and lower.

I'm looking for that magic combination of speed and stamina and one day I will find it.  I didn't do a lot of P90X last week, but I'm not going to let that talk me in to skipping new goals.  I enjoy the Yoga X so much I'm going to do that every day for a while.  I will also be adding a minute to my regular discs and a minute to Ab Ripper X.

13 minutes Yoga X
13 minutes daily disc
14 minutes on Ab Ripper X

Pretty good considering I started with two minutes and couldn't even do the warm up for two minutes!  I was peeing in my pants and holding my boobs.  My feet ached and I wanted to throw up.

I got my resistance band in the mail on Friday, so I will be instituting the pull-up challenge into my daily workout.  Shout out to Rogue Fitness for having the best reviews and best resistance band--ever!  These are like the one in the gym I couldn't afford to go to.  I questioned the choice of 1 3/4" because I was still so weak.  At 174 pounds and unable to do a single pull up, I wanted the next width.  However, I went with what was suggested.  I still can't do a complete pull up, (I can bring my forehead to the bar from a dead hang) but the challenge is there to do that one perfect pull up and then go from there.

Well.  Today should have been the start of this week, but as bummed as I was I decided to give myself a break.  I didn't overeat like I would have done in the past on a day like today.  Tomorrow starts the big push for the last week of September.

No Real Progress

Some time last week I took all the figures for the last three months and put them in an Excel spreadsheet only to discover I have made zero progress.  When I run faster, I don't run as far, when I run slower, I run farther.  I've been bummed about it for days.  The fastest I've done any run is 3.45 and my fastest average is a sad 2.87.  I have to run twice as fast and three times as far to make my goal in about six months.  Why am I not getting any faster?  My fastest run was last month and my second fastest was in July.  If I end September with the fastest run this month, I suppose I can call that progress, but it's not the speed and distance I need to be ready for the bridge run.  I'm beginning to wonder if I will be ready--if I can be be ready.

I overate, So I Overran

Crazy cravings for some really bad food.  Went out and got sticky, greasy, fatty, burgers from the closest drive-thru I could find.  Made my husband sick, bless his heart.  I was disappointed in my choice.  I had a coupon for a Whopper at Burger King.  At least there wouldn't have been any cheese and they are flame broiled.  I also would have skipped the greasy novelty potato side and got fries.  Uggh.  I decided to walk/run/jog it off, so I was up way past midnight clicking off the 700 calories I consumed.

I did five workouts.  What a mess:

Run I
Time: 25
Interval: 2
Distance: ??
Calories: ??
Avg Speed: ??
Forgot to write down the stats.


Run II
Time: 60 (20 and 40)
Interval:  Two 4 minute sets
Distance:  2.42
Calories:314
Avg Speed: 2.42

Run III
Tried the one minute interval in five minute sets, increasing by one each time.  Nothing but confusing and a big waste of time . . . 
Time: 55
Interval:
Distance: 3
Calories: 393
Avg Speed: 3.27

Run IV:
Straight up job at about 3.5 to 3.8 mph for 47 minutes.  Thought I might die of boredom and exhaustion.
Time: 47
Interval: none
Distance: 3
Calories: 391
Avg Speed: 3.82

New record for September.  This is significant.  I made it for 47 minutes at an average 3.82 mph.  Should be encouraged.  I'm not.

Run V:
Time: 14
Interval: none
Distance: .53
Calories: 69
Avg Speed: 2.27
Total waste of 14 minutes.

I think that was about 1,000 calories burned.  The website I log my food and activity only indicates about 2/3 the amount my treadmill shows.  It shows I was short burning off my drive thru debacle by about 150 calories. 

Only One Run Today

I probably shouldnt' call these "runs" as I do an awful lot of walking and my average is not much more than a brisk walk.  Oh well.

Time: 43
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.45
Calories: 394
Avg Speed: 3.42
P90X: #4 12 min and AB Ripper X 13 minutes

I am noticing a lot of progress on the P90X in general.  Seems like that plan is the one thing that is working out better.

Three More Runs

Just trying to push through this blah feeling I've had.  Gonna keep on tryin' and keep on postin'.

Run I
Time: 32
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.88
Calories: 245
Avg Speed: 3.52 (New September Record!)

Run II
Time: 54
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.9
Calories: 394
Avg Speed: 3.2

Run III
Time: 43
Interval: Experimental 15 minute sets 1 - 15 for 15 minutes
Distance: 2.5
Calories: 325
Avg Speed: 3.48

Three Runs

Just trying to stick to some kind of plan and show some progress.  Getting discouraged again.

Run I
Time: 30 min
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.7 miles
Calories: 227
Avg Speed: 3.4

Run II
Time: 53 min
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.84
Calories: 369
Avg Speed: 3.2

Run III
Time: 42 min
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.29
Calories: 299
Avg Speed: 3.27

Two Good Runs

Moved P90X time up to 12 minutes on workout and 13 on Ab Ripper X.  Totally feeling it.  My legs feel like jelly.

Run I
Time: 52
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.75
Calories:358
Speed: 3.17

Run II
Time: 39
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.08
Calories: 270
Speed: 3.2

Total
Time: 91
Interval: 3.5
Distance: 4.83
Calories: 628
Speed: 3.18

Disc #3 P90X

Yesterday Was a Weekly Break

Back at it today, hoping to make a difference.

Time: 28
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.5
Calories: 196
Speed: 3.21

Totally Overate today: 2200 calories

Today is my birthday.  My sister came and took me out for lunch and we went for a disastrous trip to a craft store to buy beads for something to do.  I still felt bad.  Fell asleep in the chair waiting for her to make the 20 minute trek from her house to mine.  Arby's for lunch and my husband made "quesadillas" with some leftover pork loin.  I weighed out what he put in them, but I'm still trashed from this period that has come out of nowhere.  So, I went in to enter my calories and discovered the small breakfast I'd had to offset the Arby's trip did very little to offset the calories in the meat, cheese, and shells.  Later in the evening I knew I had to burn off something because Sunday was coming and I wasn't going to run or log calories on Sunday.

Run I
Interval: 4 minute
Time: 49 min
Distance: 2.4
Calories: 312
Average Speed: 2.93

Run II
Interval: 3 min
Time: 37 min
Distance: 1.84
Calories: 239
Average Speed: 2.98

Totals:
Time: 86
Distance: 4.24
Calories: 551
Average Speed: 2.81

Ready for a distance run in different from running a mile and a half for 15 minutes, but it sure would be nice to find a 20 year old to channel.

Today Is a Yuck Day

I went two months without a period.  Today is making up for it.  I am miserable with pain and feel exhausted.  I wanted to go out to eat.  I was too messed up to cook.   By the time my husband got home I was too messed up to go out.  Perhaps I should have sent him out.  At any rate, I did nothing but sit in front of the TV and sleep off and on.  Kind of worried about what I'm going to do if I have a day like this and I have a job.  Wow.  I really thought this kind of thing would be behind me by now.  Tomorrow is my 47th birthday.

Can't Help But Compare

OK.  I'll admit I have someone I watch in a jealous, and probably not healthy way.  I read her posts and see how much activity she's doing how her fitness is increasing--or not increasing.  I smile coyly when she laments a day without "exercise" or a week since she's been "to the gym."

Today she posted a her personal victory for the day:

1.5 miles in 15 minutes.

That one stung a little because it's too close to my goal of 7 miles in 70 minutes.  I pride myself in not being competitive, but I am the jealous type.  I sometimes want a do over.  I want to be single and in my twenties and thirties.  Eh, enough whining for today here are my stats.  Definitely no 6 minutes miles here.

Interval: 5 min
Time: 52
Distance: 2.5 miles
Calories: 300
Average Speed: 2.88
No P90X

Not even have the distance and the speed I need.  Bleck.

2727 Calories! Holy Smokes!

What a crazy day.  I ate out for lunch and dinner today  I couldn't seem to exercise enough to get rid of what I ate.  I did three rounds on 8, 7, & 6 minute intervals and barely chipped a hole in the calories I ate:

Run I
Interval: 8
Time: 70
Distance: 2.9
Calories: 377
Average Speed: 2.48 

Run II
Interval: 7
Time: 70
Distance: 3.12
Calories: 406
Average Speed: 2.67

Run III
Interval: 6
Time: 70
Distance: 3.35
Calories: 436
Average Speed:2.87

P90X Disc #1: 9 min
Ab Ripper: 10
Calories: 88

Totals:
Time: 210 minutes
Distance: 9.37 mile
Calories:  842
Average Speed:  2.67

1797 calories left over for the day.  Still an amazing 500 calories over for the day.  This is a prime example why some people can't lose weight.  Even if that was only 250 calories, say in a scenario that a person eats out every night, but still manages to do 9 miles in a day, that's a weight gain of something like two pounds a month.  The exact opposite of what I'm trying to do!  I really would like to lose 50 pounds before the Seven Mile Bridge Run in April.  I need to lose seven pounds a month from this point forward.  2800 calorie days are not the answer.

Taking A Chance

I decided to jump in and take a few chances.  Cut my running time down to 60 minutes and shorten my intervals to four minutes.  I didn't make the calorie burn I needed to make, so I returned a little later and did a short run just to make up the calorie and distance goal for the night.

Run I
Time: 48 minutes
Distance: 2.31
Calories: 300
P90X Disc: #11 9 minutes
Ab Ripper X: 10 minutes

Run II
Time: 22 minutes
Distance: 1.2
Calories: 156

Totals:
Time: 70 minutes
Distance: 3.51
Calories: 456

Average speed: 3 mph

3 mph is not was I was looking for in speed.  The problem is going back and starting over.  Doing the warm up and working back up to the jog/run needed to complete the goal distance/time.  Oh well.

A Disappointing Tidbit

I figured out today that all the "readers" on my blog have been automated.  Web domains designed to generate clicks.  No one is reading my blog.  I can take comfort in two ways.  Some of my posts over the years have gotten a little personal, too silly, or even cynical and angry.  Oh well, I suppose a corner of my mind would have liked for the 6,000-plus readers to have been human beings, but now I know there is no real person out there, it explains why no one has ever commented and I can rest a little easier about some of my over sharing.

True Career Changers

I am a what I call a "true" career changer.  Five years ago I had quit another crappy part-time job.  I'd been teaching private lessons out of my home for almost twenty years and couldn't bear another junk job.  What could I do?  The decision to go back to school was an easy one.  I wanted to finish my degree.  My son was graduated from high school and finding his way.  It was my turn.

SMASHED IT!

Wow, what a good night for exercise. My mind was clear.  No negative self-talk, just me and the run.  Increased my P90X time to nine minutes tonight.

Interval: 5 minute
Time: 60
Distance: 3.16
Calories: 412
P90X: Disc #10 9 minutes
AbRipperX: 10+ minutes

Not sure how long I went on the AbRipper.  It was at least 10 minutes.  I probably could have gone longer, but I didn't want to ruin my muscles for tomorrow's workout.  I'll try ten minutes again.  Who knows?

Still haven't begun to touch maintaining the speed I need to begin chipping away at the Seven Mile Bridge goal.  So-o-o-o frustrating.

The Tech Support, Help Desk Dumping Station

True career changers need to be aware, so I can't stress the addition of tech skills to any IT position.  The problem is, employers don't get it.  We don't all graduate knowing how to do help desk and tech support--at least I didn't.  What does this mean?  What does it mean, the unavoidable occurrence that every position I look at includes the Tech Support Help Desk Dumping Station.  I suppose as the weeks tick by and we get closer and closer to being out of money, out of credit and out of time, the only thing standing in my way of getting in the door to even have my application land on an actual desk and not in the trash is two things:

Experience and the ability to perform tech support and help desk duties.  I keep saying it, and I'm sure my family gets tired of hearing it.  Why didn't I know this?

True career changers, pay heed:

Start those certifications early.  Don't be like me.  Face with some very expensive tuition and an incomplete education experience.  The big three (or four) are out there and can be achieved by the time you graduate, if you start early:

CompTia Strata IT Fundamentals, A+, Network+, and Security+.

Making It (IT) My World

I finished school about three weeks ago and it has taken that long to realize this is my new life.  I have a something that I know how to do and degree to prove it.  It feels surreal and exciting.  I feel myself wrapping myself up in technology stuff.  Watching and listening.  Wanting to immerse myself in it.  It feels good to be authentic.  For so many years I played teacher, or musician, or secretary.  This is my thing.  IT.  I'm authentic now and it feels way too cool to let it go now.

Insurance Woes and The Pains of Memory Lane

I'm forced to do a little navel gazing this weekend.  What is my/our financial track record?  What has proven true with us time and time again?  The one thing I can put my finger on is:

Nothing, and I mean nothing, ever, ever goes as planned.

At 46, it appears we have to make "that" decision about life insurance.  We had a very meaty policy when our son was young, we were young and allegedly had higher debt.  The idea is now to readjust the policy based on the needs forecast for the next 20 years.

These are tough times.  Since we started our policy, we bought a much too big house, acquired a car payment we didn't have then and I'm not making any money because I'm unemployed going on five years.  We have dipped into our savings (and other people's savings) time and time again.  Our son has moved out and created his own life.  What does the future hold for us?  We do not have 20 years left on our mortgage, I imagine we will have a car payment as it seems we have never been able to go more than a few months without one.  What if I get a job?  What if I land that dream job that changes our situation forever.  Sure would be nice.

The truth is I've had plenty of nice jobs along the way.  Great jobs at churches, family owned companies and thriving chains.  However nice they were, they were always what I have affectionately come to call "Junk Jobs."  Those jobs that come into our life and out of life.  That job we "loved" for the first year, but hated by the end of the second.  That way too cool job with the great paycheck that didn't have that much responsibility, but ends in a cloud of smoke.  I've had them all.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of how much more eventful the next 20 years could be.  Retirement.  A wedding?  Grandchild(ren)?  Wow, it is so surreal. to think about planning for the next 20 when the first 20 were so bittersweet.

It's a gamble and I don't understand gambling.  So What is the answer?  Here's what I think about and what others should probably think about.

20 years from now, we will be 66.  Close, if not ready, or retired already.  We have less than 20 years on our mortgage, so perhaps it will be gone.  If we buy again, I imagine it will be a smaller house closer to wherever it is we work.  The equity from this house should help us in the purchase of a new house if that day comes.

Another thought:  If my husband passes away before my son gets married, I can hold onto the money to help them with their wedding and lives that follow.  Make it nice for them both.  Is that my place?  Am I fulfilling someone else's (my own) dream?  Probably.  Who cares?  My husband died.  I can do strange things with the money.

My grandparents on my mother's side died in the seventies.  My grandmother on my father's side died of cancer and my grandfather died of complications of Alzheimer's in his early 80s.  My husband never knew his grandfathers on both sides and his grandmother on his father's side.  His grandmother and aunt died in their 80s.  Diabetes, hypertension, stroke, obesity . . . it's all in there.  Is this the right thing to be thinking about?  Statistically speaking we are looking at an additional 20 years after the next policy expires.

I don't know if I've made an headway here, but my brain hurts thinking about those things no one likes to think about.

What exactly are we insuring?  Our future.  The one that's left over after one or the other passes on.

Day Six: Addendum

We went out for Chinese food at a hibachi grill last night.  It was so-o-o good.  Consequently, I am up two pounds from last night.  Not sure if it's salt or calories, as I did go over my calorie intake for the day by 200 calories, but Chinese food is so salty--at least traditionally it is.

At any rate, I came home and put some time in on the treadmill:

Time: 50 min
Distance: 2.19
Calories: 285

I'm not too upset as I did a little research and found that the broccoli and chicken was probably one of the healthier foods I could have chosen.  Nothing fried.  I couldn't find an accurate caloric count for the meal, but I guessed from looking at other Chicken and Broccoli dishes online, it was probably around 400+ calories and I ate a good 200+ calories of rice, but rice is the worst of my troubles.

Not The Workout It Should Have Been

Today is my dad's birthday, so I decided to give him that "quick" birthday call while I was warming up on the treadmill.  40 minutes later, I was still talking, so, needless to say, the real meat of tonight's workout was crammed into the last 10 minutes of the 60 minutes workout that was supposed to be 55.  Confused?  I am.

Time: 60 minutes
Distance: 2.5 miles
Calories: 325

No P90X or Ab Ripper X.  Tomorrow is a rest day, and we're supposed to have company.  Today's P90X workout is lost.  Monday starts 9 minutes!

IT Strata Fundamentals VS A+ Certification

I've been doing some research on the A+ and Strata certs.  There are a lot of opinions out there.  First, the Strata is $103 and and the A+ is $183.  There are 70 questions and the A+ just has gobs more.  It looks like the Strata is just plain easier.  I've found some conflicting evidence that that Strata is an actual certification.  I also wanted to find out if companies were recognizing the test in the same reverent light that A+, Network+, and Security+ have come to enjoy.  Not so sure on that one.  The Strata series is relatively new.  It's bringing out the dyed in the wool skeptics.  I like the idea of another series of tests.  I've been looking for a job in IT for over a year, and it seems "experience" is that dirty little secret college recruiters won't tell us.  The Strata series shows potential employers this student knows these skills.  It still doesn't replace the golden chalice of experience, but I think it brings those of us trying to break in to the mysterious world of IT an extra leg up.

Here's my opinion.  Employers claim--complain--there aren't enough tech people out there to fill the positions, yet so far every job I have looked at has required no less than five years experience and usually includes a l-o-n-g list of requirements and preferences.  I have even looked at entry level positions that require several certifications.  I have never seen a job description that includes A+ or Strata as a requirement.  That said, for the hundred bucks, if a job seeker can pass the test with at least a 70%, it's just that one more thing to put on the resume that says, "Take a Chance on me."

I have four years of school behind me and a degree in IT/IS.  I'm working on my A+ for about six months now and don't feel anywhere near ready.  I am super tempted to take the Strata and then take the A+.  My mom is supposed to be sending me some money for graduation.  If there's an extra $100 in there I may consider it as a preparation for A+.

Day Six: Slow Pace Jog and Mystery cravings.

I ended up doing a slow pace jog this morning.  My foot felt pretty good when I got up this morning, so I tried a little jogging for about five minutes.

Time: 45 min
Distance: 1.83 miles
Calories: 238
P90X: 7 min -  #9 and Ab Ripper X

I've also been doing some research on why we want to eat the things we want to eat.  Seems a little silly, but I like that theory that our bodies don't truly crave anything that it can't use.  Maybe it's our brains that want that piece of cake.  Yesterday was another day that I was hit so suddenly with the urge to eat something chocolate and sugary I didn't even realize I'd spooned up several spoonfuls of frosting before I caught myself.  It's a mystery I intend to continue to investigate.

Day Five: Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

I did a little research on the sudden sugar cravings I've been having lately.  I think I've been misinterpreting the "sugar" my body is asking for.  Apparently it's a good thing for our bodies to crave various things.  It's the way it communicates its needs to us.  In this case, I need to eat more sugar, but not the kind of sugar I've been translating it to mean.  I have to reason my body would not be craving something it can't use.  i.e. simple carbs that just burn up in an instant and leave me feeling crappy the rest of the day.

I couldn't do it today because I'm broke until tomorrow, but I'm going to pick up some fruits, nuts, and raw veggies.  When my body starts craving fats, I'll eat nuts.  When it craves sweets, I'll eat fruit.  When it craves energy, I'll eat lean meat and make sure I'm drinking plenty of water.  The point is my body needs healthy fuel.  When those "knocks and pings" come along it doesn't mean to put in more crappy fuel.

Today's workout was just the usual:

Time: 45 minutes
Distance: 1.56 miles
Calories: 203
Disc: 7 minutes -- #8 and Ab Ripper X

Probably going to stick to walking through until at least Saturday.  I'll see how my foot feels Saturday morning.

Day Four: Addendum

I went and ate something I shouldn't.  Something high calorie, high carb and embarrassing.  I decided I'd walk it off and watch some TV while I was at it.  I did three more five minute rounds:

Round I

Time: 25 minutes
Distance: .78 miles
Calories: 101

Round II

Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 1.02 miles
Calories: 132

Round III

Time: 35 minutes
Distance: 1.29 miles
Calories: 167

My new totals for the day:

Time: 110 minutes
Distance: 3.68 miles
Calories: 477

I still want to favor my foot, so I probably won't run until the weekend.

Day Four: I Need To Ask You Something

Since I've cut my "running" time so short, I've been trying to get on the treadmill first thing in the morning and so far it's been nice to get it out of the way before the day begins.  This is my third day returning to a calorie counting regime.  I forgot how rewarding it was to record my activities and foods I eat (and didn't eat) for the day.  I'm sure I recommended this site in the past, but I am reposting the link to Calorie Count.  There was no amount of exercise that compares to the success I had the year I dedicated to watching every thing that went into my mouth.  I am 50 lbs down from about four years ago, but half of it came off in the last year.

My phone(s) rang today.  I knew it was someone I really didn't want to talk to, so I didn't answer.  There was  a message on my home phone and cell phone.  Why not just ask me what you want instead of telling me you have a question?  Maybe that's the way it's done.  I don't know, but I hate to get a message that says, "Call me, I need to ask you something."

I did everything I was supposed to do today and was done by 9:30:

Time: 20
Distance: .59
Calories: 77
Disc: #7

Day Three: Foot Feeling a Little Better

My foot has improved dramatically from what I had over the weekend.  Still managed to do seven minutes each P90X and Ab Ripper X and a short 15 minute walk.  Returning to counting calories has helped a lot.  I need to figure out a way to save some calories for a snack before I go to bed and figure out some under 100 calorie snacks I can enjoy.  Perhaps a trip to the grocery store for something I can divide up into 100 calorie portions would do the trick.

Distance: .37 miles
Time: 15 minutes
Calories: 50
Disc: #6

Today, the Seven Mile Bridge Run is far from my mind with newly recovered knees and a bad foot.  Need to stay with rest the foot for a few more days.  Maybe Sunday I can do a little jogging.

New Month New Goals New Strategies

I wanted to increase my challenge and progress with P90X this month, so I am going to try to add two minutes a week instead of the initial one minute a week I did last month.  Tonight was the first night to do seven  minutes.  I really felt it in the Ab Ripper X.  At seven minutes, disc 5 is still in the warm-up.  Still resting my foot.

Distance: .24
Time: 10
Calories: 32
Disc #5: 7 min
Ab Ripper X: 7 min

On a side note, I returned to Calorie Count and realized my food consumption has begun to creep up which definitely explains the plateau in weight I've been on the last three or four months.  I'm going to try to stick to it pretty close for the next three months and see if I can't lose for good those eight pounds that have been haunting my since April.

Slowing Down

My left foot is giving me troubles again.  I'm pretty sure it's Morton's Neuroma.  I remember the day my feet began to bother me.  We'd done a show.  It must have been fall or winter because I was wearing a pair of my favorite lace up high heels.  We were walking to the restaurant to eat afterward and I remember feeling pain in the area between my heels and arches.  That turned out to be what I think was Plantar Fascitis.  It too returns periodically, but not as bad as that first time.  It was painful to get out of bed.

So here is what I think is Morton's Neuroma.  Pain, tingling, numbness in the third and fourth toes of my left foot and a feeling of pressure discomfort between the metatarsal bones.  There's a nerve that runs between them on their way out to the toes.  I'm pretty flat footed, so that adds an additional propensity.  I massaged and massaged the area today.  I did a very short walk and then did some ice and heat combination.  No P90X since Thursday.  I did not do any exercise yesterday or this morning other than walking from here to there kind of thing.  Hopefully that will help it.  It is very uncomfortable right now.

Distance: .11
Time: 5 minutes
Calories: 15

Might as well have been a rest day.  I wanted to do something with the new month and feeling of starting fresh.  I'm not sure why in two months I was unable to conquer the six minute interval workout.  Thinking I might need a new strategy.  I want to start five minutes intervals and give my foot time to heal.  I am going to do some short walks starting a five minute interval workout this week and see if some of the inflammation goes down.

When Were You Going To Tell Me?

On Monday morning I got a call for my group to take an afternoon gig in December.  I told the lady with it being in the middle of the day we might not be able to do it, but I would ask everyone to see who could.  I would call her back in the next few days to let her know.

In the meantime I asked her if it was a paying gig and we would need to get $40 each depending on how many could make the show.  She told me she'd find out how much money the group had, but wasn't sure.

Wednesday morning (two days later) I called her back.  She told me she was "going to call" me.  Apparently in the meantime (two days) the high school would be performing for them.  I asked her if it was the band or the chorus.  She said she didn't know.  I wondered when all this happened.  She said the group doesn't have any money.  I am so sick of charitable organizations thinking they can have quality entertainment for free.  What is it with these groups?

Anyway.  I decided to tell her I was "going to" tell her that if she couldn't find anyone I would come down and play for the group.  She could put me down as her "Plan B."  She was quiet for a moment,  I tried to read her to see if she was disappointed and wished she'd waited for me to call back.  We said our socially acceptable goodbyes and the phone call ended.

Plateaus and Platitudes II: Breaking Down Barriers

I ran the second time tonight and forgot to write it down.  Never ran the third time and totally blew off P90X.

Run I
Interval: 9 min
Distance: 3.88
Time: 90 min
Calories: 504

Run II
Interval : 8 min
Distance: ?
Time: 90 min
Calories: ?

Plateaus and Platitudes

My weight has hovered around 168 - 173 for five months.  Worse, I haven't really progressed in distance and time for two months.  August is over on Saturday and I still have not conquered the six minute interval.  I want this.  I've got to bust through this.  Yesterday I ended up doing three rounds.  I will do it again today.  I want to run that bridge and I don't want to do it like some old lady.  I want to do it like a runner a true runner.  Here are my stats for today.  It was supposed to be 12, 11, 10.  I got mixed up and did the 10 minute interval after lunch:

Run I
Intervals: 12 min
Distance: 3.41 miles
Time: 90 min
Calories: 443

Run II
Intervals: 10 min
Distance: 3.73 miles
Time: 90 min
Calories: 485 

Run III
Intervals: 11 min
Distance: 3.56
Time: 90 min
Calories: 463

P90X and Ab Ripper X: Disc #4 Yoga X 5 -- minutes

I still have a P90X workout to make up for.  I may do that on Sunday.

Up In Flames II -- Up and Able to Take Nourishment

I'm awake and feel hung over--bad hung over.  I tried to go back to sleep for a little while.  Eight o'clock is the best I could do.  I was in bed for 11 hours.  I feel like I've been sick for days.  I'm going to eat a sensible breakfast, wait and hour and try to get some exercise.  I thought about it for a moment and even though I have a headache I'm going to try to run.  I figured I could run this morning, work on my Spanish and A+, do my P90X stuff after lunch and then do today's run late tonight.  This morning's run isn't going to be a record breaker, it's going to be more about burning calories and disciplining myself for yesterday.

Up In Flames

I don't know what happened tonight.  I was fine all morning.  I did my sprint.  I had a good and healthy lunch, watched a little TV, came back in the computer room, needed to do my P90X for the day and didn't.  In the back of my mind I knew I was going to be alone all day.  I guess I figured I could do it later.  I sat down to study for my A+ and just got angry.  I got angrier and angrier.  Then the cravings started.  Wild crazy cravings for something chocolatey, fattening, sweet, and high calorie.  I resisted for about five minutes.  I went in the kitchen and opened a tub of icing.  Then I ate two spoonfuls.  I went back to the computer for about five minutes, came back out and ate two more.  By the time all was said and done, I ate six big spoonfuls of chocolate icing probably equaling about 900 calories.  I hid the tub in the back of the refrigerator and decided that if my husband found it I would tell him I put the icing on the banana muffins.

You see the idea of binge eating has become foreign to me.  I used to binge on sweets and then feel like I was going to die.  Over the years of improving my diet and exercise, I've learned I can have a small piece of cake or pie every now and then.  I can even keep muffins, cake or pie in the refrigerator and each from it through the weeks.  This has been working great.  A little hundred calorie bite or two of cake or pie and I'm good.  Not this month.  Not this week and not today.  Something has gone terribly wrong.

I had not experienced binge eating in years.  I immediately felt gross and blamed that tub of icing.  What triggered this nonsense?  I don't know.  I only know I felt a consuming heavy cloud of loneliness, sadness and anger--much like when I was a kid.  I'm not tired.   I won't sleep.  I'm going to bed.

Supplemental

Time: 18 minutes
Distance: 1.10
Calories: 143

Livin' on a $132,000 Prayer

I stopped feeling it.  I don't sympathize anymore.  I can't believe it.  I was reading along at this lovely blog posting a friend had linked me to.  I was instructed to "pray for this young couple."

OK.

I linked to the blog and found a truly heart wrenching story of a young homeless couple that had recently made a decision to live an unconventional lifestyle.  In easy terms they were going to move out in to the country and live off the land.  Now the reality of the situation is, the home they were going to lease is off the market.  The owner "decided" to sell.

I think this means the "agreement" between this endearing young couple and the homeowner was never in writing.  Wow.  That's a leap of faith.  Or, maybe, just maybe, really, really (did I say really?) naive on their behalf.

Now they are praying for "$132,000" so they can just buy the house.

Really?

Hmmm.  I've got a '92 Buick with a smashed door, no a/c, and only the back windows go down in the driveway that sometimes leaves me stranded.  Sometimes I have to bum rides or not go.  I feel God's calling for a nicer car.  I think I'll pray for a Mercedes.

I know this is all relative, but for a couple about to be "homeless," there are many options.  One of which shouldn't be a $132,000 home in the country.  It's the one or two bedroom apartment or duplex in town.  For crying out loud.  This kind of thing sets me off in a big, big way.

Quit bumming off God, people.

Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting

Today I went to the website I joined when I bought the P90X program November 2011--just short of two years ago.  Seeing I'd lost 30+ pounds since then made me happy.  I'd also forgotten how frustrating the website was to use.  I tried to figure out how to say this without it looking like more (or less) than it was.  I've gone down about four inches in most of the major areas of my body.  Four inches from my waist, four inches from my chest and several inches from each of my thighs.  I am the most proud of the loss from my arms and thighs.  I'd sure like to tackle that waist measurement.

I have a party to go to on Saturday.  I've been upping my runs and workouts just a little bit to try to lose a little bit more Saturday.  I know that's not the idea.  The idea is to adopt a lifestyle of health and fitness, not binging exercising for a big party the coming weekend.  It sure would be nice to drop five pounds between this past Monday on this weekend.  Not gonna happen.  Anyway.  I did five minutes intervals and didn't make it much further than the last time I crammed my workout.  I just want to run faster and further.  Isn't that what we're all looking for?  Here are my stats:

Time:  70 min
Distance: 3.69
Calories: 480

P90X and Ab Ripper X: disc #2 5 minutes
Calories: 50

Supplemental

Time: 17 min
Distance: 1.01
Calories: 131

I found a website that calculates the calories (assuming it's average) burned doing the various P90X workouts:

P90X Calorie Counter

I don't know how legit it is, cause it sure feels like I'm burning more than 50 calories in five minutes. *wink, wink*.

Great Day!

Today was a great work out day.  I did my supplemental sprint, P90X, and made it 4.21 miles.  Here are my stats:

Time: 80 min
Distance: 4.21
Calories: 548

Supplemental

Time: 16
Distance: .91
Calories: 118

P90 X and Ab Ripper X: 5 minutes

I found out today my treadmill has 23 intervals from start to seven miles per hour.  I also looked up some stats from last years race and saw some six and seven minute paces in my age group.  Not unreasonable.  My strategy is to be running seven miles an hour by race day.  I'd also like to be able to run eight miles so the seven for the race won't seem like a big deal.  These are lofty goals.  If I don't aim high, I won't aim anywhere.

Winding Down and Cranking It Up

The week is winding down.  I was trying to decide what I wanted to do on Sunday nothing, a half workout, or full steam ahead.  The best I could do was decide to wait until tomorrow and see what I did and didn't feel like doing.  Tonight I didn't feel like working out but it went well.  Here are my stats:

Time: 67
Distance: 3.85
Calories: 474
Disc: #1 plus Ab ripper - 4 minutes

Supplemental

Time: 15
Distance: .75
Calories: 98

Considering starting on Monday with 16 supplemental minutes for the week.  I am definitely becoming a faster runner than I was even a year ago.  After being on the treadmill for over an hour,  I ran one minute at 5.5 mph.  Some might say one minute is not a big deal, it is.

I heard a comment on one of these reality weight loss shows that has been sticking with me.  It's the reason I started working on running faster.  If the work out is not getting me what I want, I need to increase the intensity at which I am working out.  I didn't want to hear that, but it makes sense.  Anyone can walk seven miles if given the chance to amble along, but it takes intensity to complete the seven miles in, say, an hour.

I've been thinking about my goal to run the Seven Mile Bridge race.  I need to add less than two miles to the time I am running.  I'm down to about five or six months. Can't remember exactly when my personal deadline was.  I think I was trying for seven miles in 70 minutes.  That's a six mile an hour average.  So to think this through, I need to get up to running six miles an hour and add time each day or week at a pace that will get me to the six miles per hour for 70 minutes.  With the race now eight months away and I'm still trudging along at barely over three miles an hour, it's time to rethink my strategy.

Afterword: Study the Field

I've been thinking about being done with school now for about a week and a half.  Even though I've been "looking" at job openings and seeing what's out there for about a year, this week has been different.  I has made me see some of the mistakes I made.

My major was Information Security.  Mainly because I originally wanted a degree in Computer Forensics and couldn't find a school that had a four year degree in it.  It was mostly offered in a two year or 18 month format.  I wish that I'd done some research while I was working through school.  I certainly would have started the certification process sooner.

Most employers are looking for tech plus "blank."  For example, the job I recently applied for wanted a tech that could do help desk and monitor a data center.  This has been the story in many jobs that I have seen.  The "tech" part is what I don't have.  I only know what I have learned so far in the book I bought and the videos that are offered from the school I just graduated from.  I only relatively recently discovered this world of certifications.  I'm now pursuing the CompTia approach: A+, Network+, and then Security+.  The A+ book is the thickest at 1600+ pages.  I'm trying to be ready to take the test by December.

I recommend Mike Meyer's All-In-One A+ Certification study guide.  He has test tips and real life application tips.  I paid about $40 for the 2012 edition.  I will definitely go for his Network+ book when I'm ready.

The Excellence Continues

A good day.  Two days of morning sprints to help me wake up.  August record time/distance.  Still doesn't smash June record of 86 minutes but still inching closer and closer.  It kind of felt like I could go further, but after 78 was the next speed up.  I was starting to get tired where my legs wouldn't straighten.  I didn't want to fall down so I quit.  Still happy with my August results.  8 days left.  Sure was hoping to make it to 90 minutes by now.  I'm ready to move up to five minutes intervals.  aargh.


Time: 78 Minutes
Distance: 4.27 Miles
Calories: 555
Disc: #11 and Ab Ripper X - 4 min

Morning sprint

Time: 14 min
Distance: .72
Calories: .93

Set Back? No Way!

Today I blew out my treadmill with the small compressor my son has.  Cat hair dust and black build up came out of everywhere.  I thought I was taking good care of my treadmill.  I guess not.

That said, I think that may be why I was not able to go as far on the treadmill tonight.  By the 74th minute I was running over five miles an hour and had been running that fast for over three minutes.  I made it to 3.95 miles and couldn't run anymore.  I was worn out but realize I'd made it almost four miles in 74 minutes.  That's a 3.2 mph average.  Maybe it was the clean treadmill?  Here are my new stats:

Time: 74 minutes
Distance: 3.95
Calories: 513
Disc: 10 and Ab Ripper X - 4 minutes

I also did a very short morning run:

Time: 14 minutes
Distance: .69
Calories: 90

Super Stoked Tonight!

I made it to 76 minutes at six minute intervals.  I was ready to do yesterday's goal of 73 minutes since I'd done the change up yesterday, but decided as the 73 minute mark approached I could make it to 76.  I did!  Tomorrow's goal (79 minutes) will begin to peek at last month's record of 86 minutes.  If I can stay on track, I will break last month's record by Saturday at the earliest or Sunday for sure.  I want 90 minutes, but 87 minutes is kind of my psychological wall right now since I was not able to beat it last month.  Today I was eight pounds from my next weight goal.

Weight 173.6

Time: 76
Distance: 3.78
Calories: 492
Disc: #9

Did four minutes of P90X and Ab Ripper X.  I really feel the Ab workouts in my posture sitting, standing, and walking.

Change Up

I decided to get my run over faster tonight.  I took five minutes intervals and made my distance goal a little.  It wasn't a good train for distance, but it shortened my time by more than five minutes.

Total time: 66
Calories: 427
Distance: 3.28
Disc: 8

First night of four minutes on P90X and Ab Ripper X!  I made it.  My balance on a lot of the exercises is already getting better.  Feeling my energy may be returning.

The Disappointment of Rejection: Our Amazing Brains

It is so surprising how it only takes 48 hours for our minds to create a reality for us out of an idea.  That's the way it was with this job.  I read about it on Saturday morning and by this morning I was creating scenarios for the new car I would "have" to buy in order to commute.  I was thinking about keeping up my night owl regime so I didn't get out of practice being up all night.  (The job is third shift)  I almost bought a pair of shoes I thought might make me seem more serious about the position.  Sensible, practical shoes.  I didn't buy them.  Now I am thankful.

The job was 30 minutes each way.  I'm pretty sure my application didn't clear the front desk.  It was a strange experience.  I'd heard that companies had a rigorous screening process, but I'd never experienced screening right there in front of me with other people standing around.  It was kind of humiliating while at the same time I felt cheated out of the opportunity to show them I could learn and do.

I was also told in so many words my experience was useless.  "She" could do what I had experience in.  Without looking at the fact I had a degree in Information Technology Information Security.  She turned her nose up at me and insisted I be able to monitor their systems and troubleshoot.  Hmmm.  Very interesting.  Whatever.

I asked her about a term I'd never experienced and tried to research and still could not find.  She said that those that knew how to do that particular thing would know what it was.  Again.  She failed to hear me tell her I knew what the word was, I'd just never heard it used in that context.

I also found out that someone who makes pretty good money and has made a pretty nice little niche for themselves in the company they work for, got started simply because she was bilingual.  That on the coat tails of being told my experience and education didn't fit their narrow criteria.  Suppose I should have been bilingual.  That would have gotten me right in the door.

I'm supposed to resume running tonight.  I'm not going to.  I'm bummed.  I'm going to bed.

Rest Day

Today was a rest day.  I cooked ribs and ruined them.  I baked banana bread and ruined it.  Not a good day.  I'm excited to get up and apply for a job I saw on line yesterday morning.  I didn't do anything.  I don't think I overate.  Bagel and a cup of coffee for breakfast.  I didn't eat the ribs.  Had peas and a few french fries.  I had two glasses of soda.  Just a strange day for not doing anything and eating everything.

Seemed Too Easy

Tonight's run seemed to easy.  Kind of that too good to be true type of night.  I must have managed to not increase my speed at one (or two) of the intervals.  It took me 71 minutes to get where I was at 67 minutes last night.  Frustrating.

Time: 71 Minutes
Distance: 3.27
Calories: 425

Disc #7 and Ab Ripper X two minutes.  Tomorrow is a rest day.

Wear It Out

Well, the treadmill didn't do that thing tonight.  Surprise.  It seemed like it was on its last leg last night.  I was ready to use it 'til it burned up.  Oh well.  Had a pretty good run tonight.  Didn't make it any further or burn anymore calories.

Time: 67 Minutes
Distance: 3.26
Calories: 424

I did Disc #6 and Ab Ripper X as well.  Two minutes.

Is My Treadmill Dying?

I know I've fretted about this before.  I think my treadmill is starting the long decline toward death.  It seems to speed up and slow down on its own.  Once I got into the higher speeds, it didn't seem to do it as much.  I don't know if I can trust the counts.  We'll see what happens tomorrow.  May consider finding and trying a new belt for it.

Time: 64 Minutes
Distance: 3.25 Miles
Calories: 423

P90X: Disc #5 and Ab Ripper X: 3 minutes

Very Little Improvement

Tonight I made it 61 minutes.  I forgot to write down my figures.  The last time I glanced I think it was something like 334 calories and somewhere around three miles.

I also did disc #4 and Ab Ripper X.  Three minutes each.  I'm really starting to feel it in my abs again.  Hoping I can stick with this.  By the end of the month I will be doing 1/3 of the Ab Ripper.  I'd like to be doing the five minutes without stopping.

I Don't Care for "Relationships"

I've decided I have heard the word "relationship(s)" far too many times in the last few weeks.  I'm annoyed.  Seems everyone is working on, starting, enhancing, boosting, etc. their relationships.  Pole dancing, stripping, "toys", date nights, lingerie, and it seems like it's all women doing the work to "improve" the relationship.

Here is my proposal:

If he's into you, he's going to want to have sex.
If he's into you, he's going to want to do things together.
If he's into you, he's going to talk to you.

Now, that said, there is the little factor of relativity.  It's all relative.  Don't compare, don't take notes, don't find out how much or how little from your friends.  This time it really is all about you.

I refuse to hang from a pole, remove my clothes slowly, or wiggle any of my body parts to get my man's attention.  I'm not going to read a how to book or watch an instructional video.  I know after 26 years he's not going to ask or plan anything.  Neither do I, so it's pretty quiet around our house.  Sometimes I wish my husband was my "best friend."  Sometimes I long for us to be able to have deep conversations and hash things out.  Sometimes I yearn to hear his feelings about a topic he could probably care less about.  Sometimes I wish he'd get passionate about something.  The truth is:

It's my problem.  He's happy.  He has no complaints.  A far as I know he's never strayed and he seems satisfied to come straight home from work.  Most of the time I'm OK with that.  I suppose the day he speaks up and tells me he's dissatisfied, then we have a problem, but for now, It's my problem and I'm working through it.

In the Middle of It

It is almost August 15.  I am two weeks into the month and don't feel like I have made much progress.  Made it to 58 minutes tonight and did three minutes each disk #3 and Ab Ripper X of the P90X.

Time: 58
Distance: 2.45
Calories: 319
Incline: 12

I'm 30 minutes shy of my original record last month.  Pretty bummed about it and hoping the work I'm doing with P90X is going to start paying off in my running.  It's supposed to make me a better runner.  I suppose we shall see.

Last Post For Back to School

Tonight is my last night of school.  Five years ago I walked up the steps to my local Community College (now a state college) and sat down in a desk for the first time in 18 years.  It was College Algebra.  I made a C.  I went to two schools for a while, got burned out within a few months, so I quit the brick and mortar school and went online part time.  That was taking forever.  The school I was attending lost its accreditation, so I transferred to the one I am finished with tonight.  What a journey it has been.

Still Not Feelin' It

It's been three or four days now since this draggy stuff hit me again.  I did 55 minutes and just didn't want to run anymore.  Gonna see through it.  Gotta fight the urge to quit.

Distance: 2.45 miles
Calories: 319
Incline: 11
Time: 55 minutes

Also did disk #2 of P90X and Ab Ripper X.  Tonight began three minutes.  It's surprising how much longer 60 seconds is.

Still Groggy

I'm still dragging tonight.  52 minutes.  I think I'm going to take tomorrow off and not try to do anything.  I need to sort this out.

Distance: 2.15
Calories: 280
Incline: 10 min

I did disk #1 and Ab Ripper X.  Monday starts three minutes.

Where Did My Energy Go?

Totally sapped tonight.  I feel like a zombie.  I did 49 minutes and just had to quit.  My mind was checked out and my body was like lead.  I've been trying to eat more calories to help fuel these extra workouts.  Looks like that may not be the answer.  I don't know what to do now.  Really frustrated.  Seem to get so weak sometimes.

Distance: 1.95 miles
Calories: 253

I did 2 minutes of disk 11 and Ab Ripper tonight.

Done With School, Starting the Job Search

School ends for me on Monday.  I've actually been looking for a job for over a year, but not looking to get one.  I've been looking at what's out there.  Frankly, I haven't seen anything.  I interviewed for a few IT positions here locally through the schools.  What a mess that was.  I took their aptitude tests, jumped through all their hoops and got an e-mail that I "didn't fit the interview criteria."

My friend seems to think I'm overqualified for the jobs.  I disagree.  I think I need to find one company somewhere that will give me experience.  After that, if I want to move I can.

No Smashed Records Tonight

Kind of an anticlimactic (is that how that word is spelled?) evening.  After smashing my new records two nights in a row I thought for sure I'd be able to make the third time charm.  'Twas not to be.  I think I tried to run to early in the day after running until 8:00 the night before.  It was less that 24 hours I was breaking through to 80 minutes.  I wanted to get the run over with so I could watch some TV and work on school work.  Four days left!

I only made it to 60 on the first round.  I was so disappointed I increased my speed back up at 3 minute intervals and was able to catch up with my record from last night, but definitely didn't break it.  I made it to 114 minutes on the second round and quit at 5.07 miles and 658 calories.  I came back later, found my place and finished out the last 20 minutes at a good jog.

Total run time: 133 minutes
First round: 60
Incline: 8
Calories: 800
Distance: 6.16

Also did disc #10 and Ab Ripper X for two minutes each.  I'll be ready to add a minute in three days.

Next!

I have been doing two things since I started back running again.  I drink a glass of orange juice before I run and after I run I drink a protein drink.  It's a Bolthouse Farms Protein drink either the Mango or the Coffee.  It seems to be fixing that emptied out feeling I've been having able two thirds through my runs.  Beat yesterday's time by a whole minute tonight!

I didn't beat the old record of 86 minutes on the first round, but I made it to 80--sort of a new old record.  I started the week with a first round of 72 minutes.  That means I'm averaging a shave each day of two minutes.  I also beat my overall time to 800 with a new record of 133 minutes.

174.8 Pounds this morning!  That's five pounds down from that scary place I was on Sunday (179+).  Had to have been water weight from my period.  Phew.  My goal for this next year is another 50 pounds.  Wouldn't 125 pounds be cute on my 5'4" figure?  I'd be una chica caliente.

Overall time to 800: 133 min
First round: 80
Incline: 7
Distance: 6.16 miles
P90X: 2 minutes

I need to add ten minutes to my first round before I can start counting down to switching to five minutes.  I added two minutes to yesterday, so maybe I will finally beat the six minute intervals by Tuesday next week.  Then I have to do six days beating it before I can progress to five minute intervals.  It may seem a little confusing, but not to me and that's what matters.

I also did two minutes of disc 9 and Ab Ripper X.  My legs were kind of tired for all those jumping jacks.  Uggh.  Two minutes of Ab Ripper is about all I can do.  Going out for dinner on Saturday.  I was hoping the whole Ab thing would begin to show, but it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference only 8 days into the new regime.

The Way He Looked At Her

I was with friends this past weekend and I saw the most beautiful thing.  I saw a man look at his wife with so much love it gave me goosebumps.  He looked at her and loved her with his eyes.  I couldn't take my eyes off him for a moment.  I wonder what that feels like.  To see that look in someone's eyes for me and only me.

78 Minutes!

I made it 78 minutes tonight.  I started the run hoping for 76, but when I got there I told myself I wanted 78 instead of 76 and it worked.  I wish I had that mental strength all the time.  I still weighed 176 this morning.  I wish I could break through this plateau I've been on losing the same six or seven pounds over and over.

Total time: 132 Minutes
First round: 78 minutes
Distance: 6.16 miles
Calories: 800
Incline: 6 minutes

Also did two minutes of disc #8 Core Synergistics and Ab Ripper X.  I think I'm really going to like disc 8 as the weeks go by.  Looking forward to my graduation get together with good friends and good times at a nice little restaurant.  I'm done with school in less than a week.  After five years, it's almost over!  Woo Hoo!

I am less than a mile short of my distance goal of 7 miles for the Seven Mile Bridge Run.  When I make it to seven miles, it will really be time to start narrowing down the time.  Hoping that in the month of September, I can see that last mile tacked on.

Movin Up!

Tonight I moved up a minute on the P90X discs to two minutes.  I did number 7 which was thankfully X Stretch and felt s-o-o-o good!  Ab Ripper added the backward bicycle and a few of the frogs.  I was really feeling it on the sides for some reason.  I'll take that.  My run was not very successful, but I'm forgiving myself on days when I just don't feel like it.  I've got time.  At least I'm up and moving, right?

My weight was 176 this morning.  Having been at 178 or so yesterday, I'm hoping this is water still hanging around from all the junk food.  I had a pancake for breakfast yesterday and three pancakes for breakfast on Saturday.  I also went out for lunch.  Need to concentrate on eating the right things for running.

I made it a whopping 4.79 miles and burned 623 calories tonight.  Not the best, but I ran and added 2 minutes to my first round (74 minutes).

Another Great Workout!

I don't mind saying I ran my butt off tonight!  So excited.  I broke the 800 calorie mark by 138 minutes.  That shaves 4 minutes off my old time two days ago.  Woo hoo!

Distance: 6.16 miles
Incline: 4 min
Calories: 800
Time to 800 Calories: 138 min

I am still putting on weight.  I am up to 179.  That means I have gained 11 pounds since April.  I felt it in my clothes today.  The size 14 pants I bought to go to an interview were a little snug around the mid section.  Hopefully the P90X Ab Ripper workout is going to start chiseling on those abs.  Tonight was Disc #7 and Ab Ripper X.  Last night to do one minute.  Tomorrow I will do disc #8 but add a minute to the workout.

Workin' Through It

I didn't want to run tonight, but I felt like I could walk, so I got on the treadmill and did 55 minutes.  I burned 296 calories.  Not the 800, but I did something.  I have to practice forgiveness and know that I am not going to have a perfect night of running every night.

Did my P90X workout.  Can't seem to decide on how I want to tackle the discs.  One minute at a time, two minutes at a time.  School is over in 8 days.  My husband told me I can work out all day after that if I choose.  Ha ha.  He doesn't realize I plan on going back to riding my bike around the lake hopefully three mornings a week.

I want to lose another 50 pounds.  I want to be a size 8.  I want to be in the single digits.  I want to weigh 120.

Rockin' 800

Disc 5 and Ab Ripper X out of the way.  One minute each, but I discovered there are more discs than I thought.  There are 11 discs.  I want to do them all.  I decided to step my work out up to 2 minutes on each disc.  We'll see where that takes me.

Intervals: 6 minute
Incline: 2
Time to 800 calories: 139 minutes

A little surprised it took me longer to get to the 800 calorie mark when I ran six minutes longer today than yesterday.

I've been starving.  My stomach is growling and I get so hungry in the middle of a run all I can think about is stopping my run to eat.  I did.  I ate two slices of swiss cheese.  My weight is creeping up a bit as well.  I've gained a solid nine pounds since my last race.  I've been eating food leftover from a church picnic.  Hot dogs, chips, soda . . .  I suppose I no longer need to look into that.  ha ha.

New Month New Goals

August is here and school is almost over for me.  I've started back to work on P90X and set some new goals.  One of which is 800 calories a work out!  It a lot ends up being a little over 6 miles.  Since my goal is seven miles for the race next year, I'd say that's the way to go.

Stayed with the six minute intervals because I haven't beat it yet.  I made it to the 60 minute mark before I quit quit and walked again.

Time to 800 calories: 138

Disc 4 and Ab Ripper X: 1 minute each

AWESOME Workout!!

I did an incline today until 49 minutes flattened out and ran for 11 minutes then went back to an incline.  I ran uphill for one minute.  I finished the 700 calories tonight in 119 minutes.  That is under the two hour goal.  My best time on 700 calories was 114 back on July 10.  Tomorrow starts my new 800 calories goal.

Total time: 119 minute
Total Calories: 700
Incline time: 49 + 36

I also did one minute each of disc 3 and Ab Ripper X.  I'm so happy to be back doing P90X.  I don't need anyone that doesn't need me and I don't need the right now.  I'd like to return to the gym.  I liked it so much.  I will reward myself when I lose another 30 pounds.  We'll round it off and say when I hit 140 lbs I get to go to the gym.

A Good Day to Return

I did my 700 calories for the first time in two weeks.  I took way too long, but I did it and that's all that matters.

It took me 138:25 minutes to get to 700 calories.  I did 48 minutes at an incline, the last time I ran, I did 49, so that's not much lost.  I don't know anything else about the run because I forgot to write it down when I made it to the 90 minute mark.  I even forgot to figure up the extra calories for the incline which I think was somewhere around 100.

I did one minute of disk 2 of P90X and one minute of Ab Ripper X.

Thinkin' About P90X

I did not get back to running on the 25th as I had written.  This last class has been very time consuming.  It's not difficult, but learning a new language comes with a lot of practice.  In addition, it's been tough to recover from a few all nighters  I had trying to get those skirts sewn for the dance troupe. 

After I wrote the journal entry Maybe She's Not That Into You.  I realized it was eating at me a little, all the cutesy posts between her and her new buddies.  I suppose I should say "new" buddies.  They're the ones she had all along while I was her "project."  I was her project.  The one she was trying to fix.  Oh well.  It was eating at me a little.  I decided to turn it into action.  I'm going back to P90X, but as with everything else, I'm taking it at my own pace.  I'm doing the minute thing with it as well.  Today I did exactly one minute of disc 1 and Ab Ripper X.  You can do that thing with you tongue, or suck your teeth, or hiss.  This is what works for me.  Tomorrow I will do one minute of disc 2 and Ab Ripper X.  When I've made it through all the discs I will step it up to two minutes through all the discs.  If you want to make fun of me do it on your own time.

No More eBay Selling For Me

I wanted to try another round of selling items on eBay with the new billing cycle and my first free 50, but when I was cleaning up a room today and vacuuming around the bins of clothes and piles of books that didn't sell for pennies more than shipping I realized this is going to be another one of my fails.  Epic fail because I tried to make money on eBay for months.  To this day, I'm not so sure I made more than maybe a couple hundred bucks and that's generous.  Not much more than I would have made on a single afternoon hosting a garage sale.  I will not be encouraging anyone that asks me about the experience to try the process.  I kept meticulous records, followed my sales and what I ended up with was a fiasco of fees and shipping and crap laying around my house for months and months.

As I box up the left over things to take to a charity, I realize that eBay is not what it used to be.  Maybe it never was?  As I said in a previous post, it's high volume, low profit margin.  Unless and that a big unless you have that one item that sells for a crazy amount, You'd be better off to just tote the junk to a charity event and let someone else fool with it.

Anyone that is making five figures on eBay is doing six figure transactions and has a full time staff.  This is not the miracle wage earner that some would like to make us believe it is. 

Ten Days Away . . . Again

My life got in the way of exercising.  Ten days later I'm lucky enough to have not gained any weight, but I lost some time in that I could have been working on this six minute interval goal I've been trying for.  The first of the month is just around the corner.  I spend a month trying to break through this six minute interval goal.  Tonight I will try to get back on the treadmill.  I've had some pretty hard to swallow failures this month.  It will be nice to set a goal and get back at this.

Spare Change, Pal?

Well my husband had an opportunity to  make some money on Friday (19th).  He didn't say anything to me about it when he got home.  He didn't get out a deposit slip or give me a check.  He didn't tell me how much he made.  He didn't anything.  Two things have happened.  Either he didn't get paid yet, or, he's going to hold on to this money as well.  Whatever his actions end up as I will know if the whole idea of losing me like he thought he might a few years ago has worn off.  It probably wore off a long time ago.  The fact that he did the whole Coin Show thing shows me he's just a selfish little boy.  It wasn't even a "it's easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission" kind of thing.  It was him wanting to spend money at the coin show.  Like a little boy, if it gets him what he wants, it's not wrong.

Please.  I want a man.

Ebay Debaucle Continues

Here's another tip for aspiring eBay sellers.  The statement dates are basically the 15th to the 15th and advertising months are considered 1 - 30th or 31st, adding a an additional layer of fog to the eBay selling process.  I purposefully posted only 50 items this month beginning July 3.  Those 50 items were over by July 10.  I sold one pair of pants for $13.  Those 50 items were listed "free" of charge.  My statement for the June 15 - July 15 is $5.60.

Because I already posted my "free" 50 items on July 1, so get in sync with the billing cycle, I believe that means I can't post again until August 15.  Why?  Even thought August 1 begins a new month and means I can post 50 items "free" it also means it will be on this billing statement that began four days ago.

Scam.

Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

Today I realized someone I thought was a very good friend and I have drifted apart.  It's kind of sad because it wasn't anything either one of us did.  We were spending a lot of time together.  I really thought we were gonna make it.  We're not.  I know I sound like a teenager, but I'm really starving for a healthy friendship and I thought, well, as I already said, I thought we were gonna make it.

I found out today that she has gone back to doing something we used to do together with someone new.  I wish I could ask her if she quit to wait me out.  I wish I could ask her if she asked anyone if they'd seen me.  I hate facebook.  If I hadn't poked around and seen a post about it I probably would have gone on in ignorant bliss, but maybe it's for the better.  She was out of my league in so many ways.  She had a lot of money and a lot of friends.  She's popular in her close knit group.

Me?  I got nothin'.

Doctor, Doctor -- Whose Mouth Is It Anyway? -- Part 6

My deleted facebook post: 

"Wow.  I feel like I just stepped off the bus.  I had a minor procedure done at a different dentist a month ago.  He took MY money upfront and filed my insurance. OK.  When do I get a refund?  We mail it to you.  Really?  Whatever.  I wanted to reschedule the follow up when I had a dead battery.  She wanted to charge me $35 for rescheduling.  I told her if I'd known yesterday I was going to have a dead battery today, I certainly would have called yesterday.  She dropped the $35 and I cancelled the appointment.  I still haven't received my insurance refund which technically is MY money.  Is this the way it goes?  How much of our money is it legal for doctors to sit on?"

Doctor, Doctor -- Inusrance Money Whores and Sensitive Husbands -- Part 5

If I let someone dig around in my mouth for money that allegedly isn't even mine, who would be the whore, the pimp, and the trick?

This pretty much brings us up to date.  I stewed about this for a while and decided I would give my own dentist a courtesy call about the Periodontist A charging new patients whether they have insurance or not.  I told her it was my fault for not asking the right questions.  I took the blame for what happened to me.  I asked her about some of the charges that weren't covered when I had been told they would be.

I found out that I am only supposed to "see" the doctor one time a year.  Anything after that comes out of my pocket.  That's useful information.  After the fact.  She laughed when she told me.  Apparently Periodontist A "beat" them to the punch.  Oh, yeah, that is funny.

So anyway, I suggested the office prepare a handout for when they do a referral so the patient will know what to expect when going to another dentist.

I kind of felt better.  I'd done my good deed for the day.  Maybe they would do something like that for future patients and referrals.  I decided to tell my husband what I'd done.  As is always the case whenever we talk, he hurt my feelings again, for the millionth time.

He said, in so many words she hung up the phone and either ignored what I said or laughed/made fun of me to the other staff.  He's probably right.  I thought about that when I decided to call, but he didn't have to say it

Doctor, Doctor -- The Invisible Doctor -- Part 4

Well, the insurance statements began to roll in and it wasn't a pretty picture.  There were charges that weren't covered at all, and some were partially covered.  This side venture was beginning to cost me hundreds of dollars when I was assured everything was covered.  I was so angry.  They had told me it was covered on insurance.  I had always trusted them to steer me right and didn't question.  It was their jobs.  Shouldn't they know what they were doing?

This brings me to something I noticed on my bill with Periodontist A many years ago.  When I got to reception, I saw a charge for  a consultation by the big cheese himself, when I knew he was out of town because his children would not be at the weekly music lessons.  The family was going out of town.  I had also heard a nurse tell a patient that the doctor was not in the office "this week."  Yet, here, on my bill was a charge for a consultation.  This caused me to pause for a moment and wonder how many times he'd done this before.  I couldn't prove one way or the other because it would be his entire office against me.  I guessed he'd done that before.  Why not?  The patient doesn't care.  It's covered on Insurance.

I wonder how many patients the the "invisible doctor" saw that week?

The eBay Experiment

Well, a new month rolled around and I purposefully went in and posted exactly 50 items.  The first 50 items are supposed to be free.  They were.  I sold one item.  A pair of pants for $13.00.  We shall see what my fees are on that one item.  Overall, I am disappointed in the seller experience.  If I had advice to give it would be to study everything.  Read everything and figure up all your fees.  Don't forget PayPal gets a cut, and eBay gets an additional cut above and beyond whatever disclosed fees are stated at the time of posting.  If someone has made any significant money it has been at extremely high volume with an extremely low profit margin.

Doctor, Doctor -- A Man in My Mouth -- Part 2

A week later I go to the periodontist visit.  He swoops in shakes my hands and the creepy feeling starts.  Now here is the side note.  I taught his children piano for years.  His wife, also a dentist of some kind slept on my couch out of pure exhaustion while their children took their lessons.  Anyway, he says those things that are supposed to make me feel like he cares.  He's so sensitive.  I'm feeling guarded.  He looks and probes and I hear his stomach rumble.  I wonder if he's had lunch.  I flatter him with how gentle he is.  It's almost like a date.  My husband hasn't been this close to me in months.  There is a man I no longer care for in the slightest, in fact may even detest in my mouth.

Two things, there's a new test for bacteria.  I need to spit in a cup.  It's not covered on insurance, but it will help him know if there's any activity, rush, rush, rush, professional . . .

$150  cha chang

Ok.  I agree, I'm on the verge of tears.  I keep rolling my eyes and blinking.

Finally, it's over.  I get to the desk and I have to figure out a way to pay a 200-plus dollar visit.  Apparently, they don't take insurance from initial patients.  It doesn't matter I went to this doctor every three or four months for ten years.  I'm about to cry, so I'm desperately looking for my credit card, accidentally pull out my debit card, she swipes it and I'm on my way.

The next time I open my wallet I see my debit card in a strange place.  That's when I realize I just paid cash for the visit.

Cumbersome and Coming to a Decision

I suppose this could be Part 4 of Deal Breaker and a Coin Show . . .

I started this entry before my husband hurt me so badly.  It's funny to look at it and know what happened.

"You know I heard the song Cumbersome for the first time the other day in light of my decaying relationship with my husband and I see a lot of parallels.  Most of our interaction is him trying to get me out of his hair.  Appeasing me so I will move on to something else while he does whatever he wants.

After we had the worst month we've had in a very long time, he's going to a coin show tomorrow.  I cancelled dinner plans with friends several times this month because of our finances.  The last time I turned down an invitation I did it in front of him.  I told my friend that we were going to have to watch our pennies closely until I can find a job.  We were limited our activities to save money.

So, he's going to this coin show.  He will buy . . ."

We did not have enough money to buy toilet paper this month.  I used washcloths.  I prayed my period didn't come because I am out of tampons.  I have endometriosis and fibroids.  I have to use a tampon and pads to control accidents.  I canceled a doctor's appointment because the procedure did not cover $45 of the $95.

I have figured out he wants me out of his hair so he can do whatever he wants and not be questioned.  I am the reason he doesn't get to do whatever he wants.  Tonight I have decided we need a separation.  There are things he needs to learn.  As long as I am the one teaching him he will resent me.  He can't learn  and have me not pay the consequences.

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 3

His family came over and brought him a gift from their trip.  I had wanted my sister-in-law to bring him a shirt or hat with the logo of the new team form his hometown, but they weren't available, yet, so she brought him a college hat from one of the teams he follows.  I was in my room sewing when they came.  I knew they had been there because I saw the hat.  He didn't let me know they were here.  I didn't hear them.

He tapped on the door a few hours later and told me he was going to bed to read, was there anything he could get for me.  I wanted to explode!  I thought.  REALLY?!  Is there anything you can get for me?!  I told him I was fine, goodnight.

I later asked him if he knew that she tried to get the new team stuff.  He started to tell me what she had tried to do, I interrupted him and told him I knew because I was the one that had told her to.  My voice cracked, "I was thinking of you." I was crying again.  He would not see me cry.


Going to bed without saying anything shows me he doesn't seem interested in helping me understand what happened today.  He thinks it's OK and he's not sorry, so I will need to work this one out on my own.  I will need to work it through and store away my answer for the future.  I'd like to know when he was going to tell me he spent the money on coins.  I tell him everything.  I show him what I spend money on.  I don't sneak.  I'm so afraid that when I get done thinking this through it's going to be the deal breaker. 

I began to mistrust him.  I looked at the credit card statement and found that he's been going out to eat without telling me.  My heart is broken.  I'm sick.  I had worked through leaving him and decided I wanted to stay with him and change.  I wanted to change.  I wanted to be a better person.  If he wasn't going to change, I could change.  I did.  I got happy.  I got strong.  I worked it through.  I didn't leave him.  I wanted to stay.  No my heart is broken again by his sneakiness.

I hate sneakiness.  I hate lying.  His father was a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator.  I hated his father.  This may be the deal breaker.

Six Minutes -- Day 6

I came across a post from last month.  I was having a hard time so I let myself off the hook for three day.  I increased my speed until my mind told me it was tired and I stopped.  I walked it out and let it go.  It took three days to get over that hump.  Four days later, I was smashin' it and finished  the seven day promise.  That's what I'm doing here.  It took two days this time.  I had a day of 30 minutes and just plain quitting and sitting and crying about it, then I had a second day of making it to 39 minutes before I walked it out.  It took me two hours and ten minutes to get my 700 calories yesterday.  Today, I was back on track.  I could feel it when I got to the 42 minutes I promised myself.  I told myself just 42 minutes.  Three more minutes than  yesterday.  When I got to the 42 minute mark I decided to go to the incline mark.  Well, that was all I needed.  I was half way done with the workout so I stuck with it and went the full 90.

Weight: 171.6 Three more pounds and I am down to my Dirty Foot Race weight

Duration: 90
Run time: 70
Incline: 47/level
Calories 540
Distance: 4.16
Average speed: 2.77

It took me 116 minutes to get to 700 calories.  No huge feat but it represent five days of 700 calories.  ONE POUND burned! 

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 2

This is Part 2.  For part 1 go back one day.

I asked him if he thought that was OK to spend money on coins with our account overdrawn $459.  He said he didn't know it was that much.  I said it doesn't matter.  We are short every pay period.  He asked me what I wanted him to say.  I told him I wanted him to say "Yes, I do."  So he said it,

"Yes, I do."

My heart stopped.  Right then and there, my heart stopped.  My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe, I felt tears pushing up behind my eyes, I was sick, my throat closed.  I couldn't swallow.  I said nothing.  I walked away from him and went to my room to sew.  I cried in my room until I couldn't cry any more.  I sang along with the radio and kept my mind busy cutting out a pattern.

A few weeks ago he said that people get angry and scream or shout to get a response out of someone else, when they don't get that response, they will either get louder or stop.  I asked him if that was what he really believed.  People can't be angry for a good reason?  Nope.  Apparently, people only get angry to get a response out of someone else and when they don't get it, they stop.

Wow, you will never see me angry, you small, small, man.  Over my dead body.

Six Minutes - Day 5

Probably shouldn't have posted anything from yesterday or today.  These were give up days.

Duration: 90
Run Time: 39
Incline: 46/Level
Distance: 3.53
Calories: 460
Average speed: 2.53 embarassing


It took me 132 minutes to get to 700 calories, but I did it.  I am down a pound since yesterday.

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 1

I took a message for my husband, President of the Coin Club.  One of the club members wanted to ride with the group going to a show.  Hmmm.  This interested me as I had not heard or seen anything about it from my husband.  Now it was hanging out there.  I knew he could not go to this show without spending money.  I reminded him we were overdrawn.  I didn't say anything more.  He was defensive.  He said, "I know I've seen the e-mails."  I dropped it.  I'm not his mother.  I wanted to see what he would do.  He knows we do not have enough money for anything out of the ordinary.

I also knew that he'd made money working for an elderly couple and I had yet to see it in the form of cash or a check or a deposit.  I knew he was walking around with it. He didn't say anything, but he slipped up about getting money from them. 

Well, you know how I am always commenting here on how much money we don't have?  This Friday we slid into the payday $459 in the hole.  Yep.  $459 dollars overdrawn.  In the past I would have erased the e-mails as they came in because I wanted to protect my husband from the truth, but my new commitment to not protecting him from reality meant that I had to leave those e-mails about our account being overdrawn right where they were.

He said nothing about the money I knew he had.  He left for the coin show with all his buddies.  I knew he would spend money with all the effort I was making to keep us floating until I could get a job.  Shameful, embarrassing things I won't discuss here.

He came home I asked him if he had fun.  He said yes and told me some stories.  No talk of the coins I knew he bought.  I managed to get out of him he went to breakfast and dinner as well as bought the driver dinner.  Finally, several hours later, I asked him if he saw any coins that he couldn't live without.  At first I didn't believe he bought coins.  I thought he meant that he had seen coins he really would have liked to have.  I really, really, really, really, didn't think he'd be foolish enough to buy coins with the money he'd made on the side.

He did.