I've been thinking on yesterday's post about a 27 year marriage anniversary. What if divorce wasn't off the table? What if it was discussed openly as a viable option? What if the couple weighed it out? Because I will be honest here, I've never taken divorce out of the equation. Not because I'm not a Christian, but because life happens. The reality is divorce can become the only option in the blink of an eye. Especially if it's not your eye blinking.
I'll digress to a moment in time I think I might have already discussed here. A moment I opened my mouth to a young couple openly considering divorce. My delightful enlightened spouse offered up the time honored, "It gets better." Followed by a great deal of blah, blah, and more blah that left me wondering if we were in the same marriage.
I leaned over to the young bride and told her it doesn't get better. It gets worse. If she loves him, get ready to buckle down and work 'cause it ain't no picnic and it never will be for more than a weekend.
They broke up. I didn't feel responsible or guilty. I felt relief for them. They were miserable and their little boy would have endured much more pain to last a life time. I don't know what happened to her, he remarried and has a little one on the way. They seem to be satisfied with their choice.
The funny thing about the whole "divorce is not an option" mantra is that in my almost 50 years of living, I hear men say it more than women. Men seem to put that on the end of every comment about marriage. Some may correct me here with their own experience, but I have never heard a woman say it or agree with it. I'm speculating and drawing a little on my own experience here. Usually, it's also a pretty difficult man married to a pretty easy going woman starting out the marriage willing to do absolutely anything for him and finding herself pretty disappointed my the extreme lack of reciprocation. He doesn't bring anything to the table, so taking divorce off the table is no big deal.
I say get it out in the open from day one. Make it an option. Think it through and if you are a talking type of couple (we aren't), talk it out and see where it takes you. Marriage isn't a "Christian" institution. It's an agreement. A promise to stay together through all these unimaginable difficulties. Similar beliefs certainly helps, but I don't think being a Christian saves a marriage any more than "taking divorce off the table." I don't think it hurts to find out what those deal breakers are and re-visit those things with regularity. For example, in my book lying is a huge deal breaker. Cheating comes next, but cheating and lying are pretty close, so that may ultimately be the same thing. Hiding purchases ranks up there pretty high, as well. I've known a lot of couples that went through emotional affairs and stayed together, but I don't know any couples that full on cheated and stayed together. Funny thing is, I don't remember covering the deal breakers in pre-marital counseling.
You see, I don't know if my husband has ever thought about it. It amuses me to think about it because it would mean we'd have to talk about dissolving the marriage and he hates to talk enough that I think he'd dismiss the thought to keep from talking.
I think about it. I think about it long and hard. Because of some extenuating circumstances, I don't think about it as much. I don't like the alternatives. For me, it's been too long and just doesn't matter anymore. Yeah, I'd like to have that model marriage full of sensitivity and love. Hand holding. Love and affection. Riding off into our twilight years together. That's not going to happen, so I take the emotions and sex out of the equation and figure out a way to accept the years to come with wisdom and grace.
Do yourselves a favor and don't take divorce off the table, or even better, put it back on the table. Talk openly about what it would take to actually, really and truthfully get you, as a couple, to that point and work backward from there. If you decide there really isn't anything that would make you want to end it forever, then it's true divorce is probably off the table. But I offer this as well, revisit the idea of divorce when you are both sane and happy because your views will change with time. Take my word for it. Those deal breakers will move up and down the rankings.
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