Waste of Time -- in more ways than one

Well, I read through everything I could pertaining to the topics at the beginning of the next chapter.  I looked through all the indexes of the other supplemental books I've bought along the way and read through their information too.  I found, several hours into fooling with the program that I pretty much wasted my time.  Very little of what was covered in the chapter outline is called for in this project.  I can't believe  this is so hard.  I just don't get this.  I'm angry right now.  I feel punished for the choices I've made to serve others.  I feel like I gave away my life for someone else and now there's nothing left for me.  I feel stupid and old.  I knew that I was putting my life on hold when I made the commitment I made to my family.  I did it for them because I loved them so much.  I never expected to feel abandoned by the very person that I have sacrificed my life for.  There really is nothing he can say to make it better.  He doesn't get it, he doesn't get the sacrifice I've made of myself.  He doesn't see the hugeness of it.  He doesn't see that I spend most of my days wishing I would disappear.  I made a choice I thought was the right thing to do as a wife and mother.  Turns out, I'm paying a price much higher than I ever imagined.  I'm raw on the inside right now.  I guess I was wrong to think I might recieve the promised blessing of choosing another over myself.  Well, it's sad and it's wrong, but I'm finished with waiting on promises, blessings and God.  I'm done.  God has not revealed himself to me to be anything more than an elusive entity that I'm not even sure exists.