One of the hardest things for me and going back to school has been keeping in touch with my resolve to complete something I started over 20 years ago. Tonight I want to quit again the same way I do every other night. I feel overwhelmed and anxious. The strange thing is, it's not that I don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. I get it. It's just so difficult to keep everything in my head organized while it's waiting in line to be used.
I've tried all kinds of tricks like reading and sleeping on it. I've tried a good night's sleep, no sleep, nutrition, hydration. Fats, proteins, sunshine, exercise. Music and silence. It's like flashes of exactly what I have to do are there, scrambling to be noticed. As soon as I recognize I know what to do, they are gone. I stare at the computer as if I've never seen the screen I've been working on for two days. I have to relearn the same things over and over again. Frankly, I'm scared. I'm scared I can't retain it. Scared I've wasted the $5,000 I've spent on tuition. Scared I will quit and at the same time, I'm scared I won't know when to quit.
I'm now more than a week behind, but that's much worse than it looks. These semesters are only six weeks long, so it is more like three weeks. Every day for a week I have said to myself, "OK, today's the day, you sit at the computer until you're making progress." The progress doesn't come. Instead, I play hide and seek with my lucidity, fight back tears and shake my fist at God for whatever His role is in this. I'm angry at my parents for not encouraging me when I was young, I'm angry at my husband for his stinky attitude. I'm resentful of everyone that had a normal secondary education experience. I'm angry that I'm old. I'm pretty much mad at the world over this and that makes it feel all wrong. Nothing like the adventure I had hoped to begin and someday write about in order to help others with their resolve to go back to school.
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