I Am the Other Woman

I struggled with posting this.  I wasn't sure it would be received well.  As I've stated before, my husband and I have been married for a relatively long time. 24 years this past month.  It's tough.  It's always tough.  Being married, staying married has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  My eyes have been opened to so many things that were never what I thought they were.  Some days it just feels like there is too much wrong, that we've gone too far.  I don't know where to begin and more sadly, how to end.  So forgive me if over time I digress to the recesses of my mind and express some strange stuff.  Here it is:

I Am the Other Woman

I have ceased to be.  No, really.  That's a little dramatic, but it pretty much catches the essence of the moment.  I realized while driving this morning--the time when I can think a little--I am the "other woman".  I haven't been able to put my finger on the way I have felt this year.  This may not be the absolute answer to the question, but I realize today that I haven't been number one in anyone's life.  That's not necessarily a new thing or a bad thing.  It's something.  I've been trying to consciously make sense of my life for going on two years now and a piece to the puzzle fell in to place just this morning.

For the past 23 years I've had two people in my life.  No one else was allowed and there were many that I know with a wink or a nod would have desired that position.  My number ones are my husband and my son.  They came first without question and regret.  I gave up the last, did without, cancelled, planned, skipped, skimped, skrimped and lived for those two.  Their joys, sorrows and dreams were mine.  It was the noblest of professions.   I knew someday I would be blessed ten-fold.  My life would have glorious meaning.  That still remains to be seen.

Then I woke up--I changed.  A chain of events described in my Friday series "Winter of Our Discontent", opened me up, left me aware, scared, raw, vulnerable and insecure.  At the same time, my senses were alive and so was I.  For the first time in a very long time I had opinions.  Strong ones.  I had feelings like anger and disappointment.  I had dreams.  I had a voice and I knew the truth.

I was not their number one.  I could say it.  They hadn't changed.  I had.  I could see it.

I won't spoil the plot of "Winter of Our Discontent" here.  I will tell you I thought an opportunity had presented itself  to be someone's first.  To not be the "other woman" for the first time in many many years.  It was the sweetest drug and I almost bought in except it was fragile and dangerous. 

At the moment of truth the cards were on the table, it was my turn.  Would it be yes or no?  Whatever my motivation, I chose to be the other woman in their lives over being the woman in someone else's life.  I haven't decided if I did the right thing for me, but it was the right thing for them.  Regardless of what I receive in return, they are my number ones and will be forever.

I don't think they realize what a blessing they experienced on that day, but I do.  I walked back in to their lives before I ever walked out.  Have I looked back?  Have I thought about it?  Every day.  At first it was with every breath, my heart ached at the thought of what I'd left.  What I'd had a glimpse of.  It has been seven months since I made my choice.  I look back less and less and forward more and more.