Yesterday was tough. I cried myself to sleep last night because I'm certain I can't tolerate another failure. So much of me is hanging by a thread. Even in my resentful state, I found myself praying outloud and hoping God would hear. Hoping God would hear. The thing is, I'm not asking for a cure to cancer or to eliminate world hunger. I just want a degree in Information Technology so I can have a one person consulting firm with a handful of clients that pays the bills. I'm not even trying to save the whales or the Amazon Jungle. Why has it been so difficult?
Instead, the pressure has shone a bright light on everything I've overlooked about my life, my faith and my family. It's made me realize that my family pretty much gets away with doing whatever they want as our home becomes a third-world mess. My husband injured himself at our church two years ago. The injury falls under workman's comp. The church should have taken care of this from the beginning. For some reason, my husband has allowed the church to put this all on him. This is a strange position for us in that we could really use the church's spiritual support in these times. Instead, it feels like we're getting the shaft. No one from the church has talked to us about the injury. The secretary gave him a form to fill out that he didn't fill out for months. We've had out of pocket expenses I'm not sure we've been re-imbursed for and we are to be turned over to collections on the 25th for the remaining balance of over $2,000. When I mentioned this to my husband he actually said that we were going to pay the unpaid balance. I had to tell him it was workman's comp. There should be no money out of our pockets. I can't believe he so uninformed. I've been getting daily calls. Still, he does nothing and the church does nothing. I'm so ashamed of the primal rage this stirs in me.
He finally called the church secretary. I don't know what was said, but someone from the church is going to pursue this on Saturday. Saturday. Really. That's over a week now since I first told my husband we had until the 25th of March to clear this up or it would be on our credit record. On Saturday we will have seven days to clear this up. (four business days) I told him to please call the lady that's been calling here and just tell her what's going on. He wasn't going to call her until he found out something from the church. What good would it do to call her?
Well, it's 9:00 and that 20 minutes didn't leave me feeling any better. Like I said, I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night. I prayed a different prayer last night. I prayed an if/then prayer which really isn't a prayer, but I did it. I told God if he would get me through this schooling I would stay with my husband and work it out with him. I told him he knew my situation, he knew where I was and how things were. He knew how much I wanted to walk away and didn't want to take the years and money it might take to never truly get to the bottom of our problems. I told him I would stay and that started a whole new flow of tears. I guess I just want it that bad.
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