Runaway

I thought about something really frustrating.  So far, and I'm sure it's low because I probably didn't catch all the fees, I have spend $68.75 on "advertising" that I have not gotten paid back for by selling the item.  What if that item never sells?  What if I wanted to walk away from the whole thing tomorrow?  I am out $68.75.  I have probably spent $300 dollars advertising for the catamarans.  All my profits from eBay sales have gone into selling those boats.  I am so angry for ever buying it and thinking my husband would do something with me I wanted to do.  I'm not just angry.  I'm the kind of angry that makes a person ill.  Physically ill.  I don't know what to do.  I really, really don't know what to do.  I frustrated, I'm tired, there's never enough money.  No matter how many times I leave the lights off, turn the air conditioner up, don't flush the toilet, skip meals, don't shower, stay home, scrimp, save, do without.  Oh my God.  I just want to run away.  I want to run out the door and never, never come back.  I want to run and run and run and run away never looking back.

I guess I thought selling my stuff on eBay was the answer the way it is for other people.  Maybe I'd make a couple bucks.  Not when you spend it all on advertising a boat.  I feel like throwing up.  The problem with all of this is I've got nothing left.  I'm dried up.  There's nothing there.  I'm done.  There's no relief from the constant pressure of there not being enough.  I want out.  I want it to be over.  I don't care.