10 Minute Intervals - I Was Right

I was right.  At 80 minutes I was running uphill!  I made it three minutes.  Much farther than I expected.  At 83 minutes I leveled the incline and finished the workout.  This is so exciting!  A few years ago I couldn't even jog for three minutes now I am jogging uphill for three minutes.

Trying 11 Minute Intervals Again 649 Calories

Success!  11 minute intervals all uphill.  Keeping track this way I can really see progress.  I'm going farther, working harder, and sweating.  Still not running uphill but very close.  I think the next one--10 minutes--is going to be the one I have to start running up hill.

Parenting 201

I had what I think may have been a bit of an "a-ha" moment.  An epiphany, if you will.  Parenting took a lot out of me.  I gave up job opportunities, did without, passed up, skipped over, rescheduled, dropped, so many things, it just got to be natural.  I loved being a mother to my son.  He's such a good kid, I couldn't imagine my life without him.  However, I must admit it took a lot out of me.  I'm kind of tired of the idea.  He was a bit of a late bloomer, had a few stutter starts, tried a lot of things, but think he's really going to make it.  He's considerate, respectful, a hard worker.  It wasn't easy.  If you've ready any of my other entries you know that he joined the Air Force and has been away at basic for three weeks today.  Not being able to worry about him has been so freeing.  My mind wants to think about other things besides him and it feels good.  I know that I did the absolute very best job I could have raising my son.  I have very few regrets.  What ones I do are so insignificant, I know he'll figure it out.  I'm ready to move into the next phase of my life and I'm excited!

However, there's one catch.

I have someone living in my house that apparently still needs parenting even into his middle forties and I'm pretty angry about it.  Actually, I'm not angry about it anymore.  Say like up until yesterday when he did something really juvenile when I decided he could do those things, I wasn't going to let it drag me down.  Where in actuality I laid down on the bed for 30 seconds and cried that I didn't want to do "this" whatever "this" was.  I sobbed.

The truth was, he'd lied to me.  Well, maybe not lied, but he'd done a trademark "in-laws" move.  He manipulated me the way he would have manipulated his parents to get them to let him do what he wants to do.  He wanted to buy something he knew he shouldn't.  He knows our situation.  He knows we don't have extra money.  See, whenever his parents would say there was no money, it would be because something new had been bought like a TV or a car.  Then there would be a comment that they didn't have money because they'd just made the purchase.  Then eventually there would be another purchase and that would put them in that same situation they felt they needed to state, "We don't have extra money." This cycle continued and continued.

Meanwhile, his mother would buy expensive clothes for my sister in law and hide them in the trunk.  Sneak them into the house and then act as if she "had" that particular item.  One time, there was a coat that she'd been forbidden to have.  His mother bought her the coat and his dad recognized it.  All hell broke loose that day.  She got to keep the coat.  This sneaky, manipulating, lieing stuff is natural in their family.

The problem I return to is I don't want to be the parent.  I'm done parenting.  I don't want to be lied to or manipulated so he can get what he wants.  He's an adult.  He knows our situation, he knows he shouldn't be making extra purchases, yet he still feels the need to lie to me about it.  Oh my God.  I wish he'd grow up.  If he wants to buy something, I have no problem with him buy it.  He just needs to remember that it's not going to be anyone's fault but his when we don't have enough money.  Every day in the adult world is full of decisions that we make.  We make them knowing all the facts and knowing we probably shouldn't anyway, but we do and then we deal with the consequences.

12 Minute Intervals Conquered

Finally did the 12 minute interval workout!  Full incline 90 minutes.  I've decided to need to keep more information like speed and miles.  Next time starts 11 minute intervals.  I was not able to do this work out last time.  The reason I went back to tackle the 12 minute, hoping I'd get stronger and be able to return to the challenge better prepared.

Another Day at 12 Minute Intervals

Today was another day to do the 12 minute interval.  I made it 74 minutes at full incline and finished the workout level.

Back to 12 Minute Interval

I seem to have found my first hurdle.  The 12 minute interval.  Tonight I made it 73 minutes at full incline and then finished the workout at level.

That Nothing Between Us

I'm really having a rough time tonight.  Something happened that I thought would be a moment that my husband and I would end up in a knock down drag out fight or we'd at least talk about what happened, instead, like all the time.  Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

He just sat there.  For 30 minutes, we just sat there.  I asked him to say what he was feeling, say what he was thinking.  He said it wouldn't change anything.  Still I felt like he blamed me.  That somehow he reasoned that this thing, this thing that happened was mostly if not all my fault.  That for some reason, I made it happend, let it happen or maybe in some way did it on purpose.

Still, he said nothing.  I told him to say something because now was the time.  He wanted to know why "now" was the time.  I told him we were both together, quiet and serious.  Now was the perfect time.  He didn't offer up anything forgiveness, exoneration, disapproval.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

So instead of feeling relieved I feel angry, disappointed, alone and unappreciated.  I feel discarded, disrespected, and most of all like this is just going to be another nothing between us.

11 Minute Intervals

First day of a new challenge.  Knowing I probably won't make the 90 minutes has been a mental block.  There were supposed to be nine intervals.  I made it to the eighth interval and quit at 88 minutes.

12 Minute Intervals 650 Calories

Made it the full 90 minutes today.  Deciding what I will do when I can't complete a workout (like yesterday).   I don't want to short myself on building for speed and stamina.  I think once I get to the point I can't do anymore incline I will finish the workout on level.

I've also decided I will alternate days at full incline and days that are level so I don't short myself on getting stronger.

Joining a Gym II: The Class

It has been one week since I joined the small, no frills gym near my house.  I really like it. I sure it has a lot more to do with my friend who is in tiny and fit being my cheerleader this week than the actual gym.  However, I like the barewood floors, concrete walls and workouts posted each day when the members arrive.

Today, I go to the owner's class to be certain I am using proper position and posture.  I'm told he focuses on all the right ways to lift and move, so it should be very informative.  After this it is $20/week to abuse my body in the best ways I could imagine.

12 Minute Intervals

8 intervals.
For the first time I was not able to complete the full 90 minutes.  I forgot to make note of the time, but I will try again tomorrow and see how far I get.

Books and Movies: 40 Days and 40 Nights

I watched 40 Days and 40 Nights for a dumb reason, kept watching it for an even sillier reason.  It was there and I needed something to distract me from walking on the treadmill and I kept watching it because I didn't want to leave it unfinished.

Josh Harnett used to be quite the heart throb.  He spent most of this movie with a worried look on his face because he was going without sex for a whopping 40 days and nights.  I guess I'm just too old for this movie.  I thought it was immature and crass.  Shannyn Sossamon's beauty and possible potential as an actress is squashed in the shallowness of this movie.

When I searched for Harnett, I found that he was in a movie called The Virgin Suicides.  I can remember wanting to see that movie for some reason.  You know, for me even when he was a hot commodity, he just never did it for me the way he did the other women.

13 Minute Intervals 638 Calories

7 intervals.
Full Incline.
Walking 90 minutes.
Not a challenge.

14 Minute Intervals 624 Calories

7 intervals.
Full Incline.
Still Walking 90 minutes.
Not a challenge.

15 Minute Intervals 579 Calories

Six intervals. 
Full Incline. 
Still walking for 90 Minutes. 
Not a huge challenge.

16 Minute Intervals 545 Calories

Still walking for 90 minutes.  Not a huge challenge.  6 intervals.

Joining a Gym

After company for a week, I have gained back the hardest five pounds it took me to lose--the last five.  I was plateaued for two months in the mid-70s.  Then when I ran the Dirty Foot, my weight began to drop again.  I lost my 45th pound!  I was in the 160s for the first time in close to 10 years.

Well, the time has come to seek a professional, so I am joining a gym.  This is not a purple gym, or a blue gym, gold gym or a gym with a juice bar.  This is a gutted warehouse with wood floors and no air conditioning.  The real thing.

Tonight is my first night.  I get a week to visit for free, then I have to go to a membership class.  If I still want to torture myself and drive 30 minutes to do it, I'm an official member of a gym.  I suppose we shall see how this goes.

Books and Movies: Beautiful Girls

Just watched a movie called Beautiful Girls (1996).  It had some interesting stars in it.  The one I was most surprised to see was a very young Natalie Portman.  She plays a 13 year old girl.  The neighbor of Timothy Hutton's father and brother.

It's one of those "high school reunion" movies where everyone has to reflect on their successes and failures and solve them by the end of the movie.  However, this had some unexpected twists as well as some predictable moments.  There are some moments in the movie that a very thought provoking and some of the really good lines of the characters are lost on the goofiness of the moment.  Lots of good metaphors about growing up, maturing, saying good by to the past.  Struggling with the future.  Just one of "those kinds" of movies.

My only criticism is that the characters seemed a little old to be having some of the troubles they were having, but maybe in small town America, this is the norm.

The movie is set mostly in small town Minnesota with an opening scene in the obligatory New York City.

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Today is the day.  We will drop my son at the airport to attend basic training in San Antonio, Texas.  He flies out April 9th.  I haven't accepted it yet.  I'm so happy for him, I haven't had time to be sad for me.  I know I will miss him, he's my world.  I wasn't surprised when he told me what he'd decided to do after three years in corrections.  Everyone else was kind of surprised, but I always kind of knew or at best hoped he'd make his way back to the Air Force.

B-24 Photo from www.mucheswarbirds.com

He loved planes.  I used to sneak him out of school, faking doctor's and orthodontist appointments to take him to the airport to see the Dragon and his Tail fly in.  He used to run outside when planes flew over head on their way to MacDill or out to the bombing range here.  Once, the Memphis Bell limped in to our little airport a stones throw across the highway.  My dad took him to see it up close and personal.  I kind of always knew I'd lose him to the planes.  He's still a little boy.

17 Minutes Intervals 531 Calories

Not much to say here today.  Six intervals, so I am into the 2 mph speed and not really feeling anything but boredom.  I'd like to think this is going to help me lose weight, but not walking this slow.  It will add up.

18 minute Intervals 516 Calories

Definitely the workout is in the incline.  Not too much sweating going on yet.  I wonder how long it will take me to get to the goal speed of 5 mph?  By the way, that's the goal speed to run this thing.  5 mph will have 7.5 miles completed in 90 minutes, so if I do this right I will cross the finish line before the required 90 minutes.

So Special

I'm surprised at how special we all think we are.  I should correct that and add how special we think we are.  I'm sure someone will read this and put their hands on their hips and insist that we are all special.  Special in our own way.  Special in God's eyes.  Special to someone.  Whatever.

I can see the look on someone's face that has convinced themselves they are just that special.  Special enough to be waited on at the restaurant.  Special enough to have someone help you to your car with your groceries.  Special enough to know the owner.  Special enough to be the first in line.  Special enough to make someone wait.  Special enough to insist on having his way.  Special enough that God bestows that one perfect miracle on you for that special, special, day . . .

If no one guessed it, I don't feel very special these days.  I've been dealing with what to do with not feeling special.  Feeling like the one in a half-a-million.  Recognizing that I will never get the plaque, the trophy, the ribbon, or even the thumbs up.  First place is not a common occurrence for me and most assuredly, my name will not be called from a podium for dedicated service.  I will not be an "of the year" to any organization or group.  I will probably not be a role model or be asked to "grant" an interview.

I'm just me.  I think I'm OK with it.

19 Minute Intervals 495 Calories

Five intervals.  I've started multiplying the calories the tread mill suggests by 1.5.   That adds a modest 50% to the calorie count, so as of this day I am burning 495 calories on full incline.  Still not a huge deal.  Started into the 2 mph range with this workout.

The Winter of Our Discontent: Don't Bring Me Down

There is something so devastating when you realize something about someone you've known for such a very long time.  One of those strategic pieces of the puzzle that makes us sit there and with our jaws slack.  We can't believe what we heard--or saw--we can't believe that in some weird way it makes perfect sense.

Then, we sit there and wonder, "Okay, now what do I do?"  Meanwhile, an awareness washes over us that makes us see that what we might have waited and waited for never would have come.  I found that out about my husband a few weeks ago.

He innocently told me he liked to ride around his neighborhood with a cassette tape player strapped to his bicycle playing the E. L. O. song,  Don't Bring Me Down over and over again.  I teased him about it for a few days, but I'm pretty sure he didn't realize what he had just revealed about himself and how much I had learned.

For whatever reason, he chooses not to know.  He chooses not to hear about it, deal with it, or address it.  He doesn't want to be "brought down."  Where does this come from?  To not want to be bothered to the point of letting someone else and other things dictate your life?  I can't imagine.  However, in my dazed amazement, I understand him a little bit more now.  I understand that a lot of what I'd been waiting for, hoping for a sign of whatever it was that made him check out of his life and let others lead.  Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

That frustration of seeing him take my lead every day of our married lives.  Experiencing nothing from him.  Nothingness.  That's more like it.  Nothingness.  I wondered why I can't talk to him about my concerns, my disappointments, my failures, my longings.  Why we didn't feel like the "best of friends."  Why wondered why anything but surface banter between us always ended in me getting angry at him and hating him.  He's not interested in what makes me who I am or anyone who they are.  He wants the surface, the exterior, the congeniality, the cordiality.  Don't bring him down.  Don't be real.  Don't be sad.  Don't be disappointed.  Don't be angry.  Don't want more.  Don't strive for improvement.  Don't expect anything from him.

Don't

Don't

Don't

20 Minute Intervals

Still not a real taxing workout.  On full incline.  Fighting the urge to turn up the speed, but I won't because I want to add speed so slowly my body will not be able to fight back.  It will just adjust and figure it out.  Five intervals.

21 Minute Intervals

21 minutes.  Still at full incline for 90 minutes.  Not even breaking a sweat, but can feel this is going to as much mental as it is physical.  Trying to get used to the 90 minutes.  Not even making it 2 miles right now seems like a waste of time.  Have to keep it in my mind that I am going to eventually catch up to myself and surpass what I had been doing and hopefully taking it slow, my body will be adjusting at the same time my mind adjusts.

22 Minute Intervals

At 22 minute intervals I added five clicks to my 90 minute time.  I have the incline set to max, so there's a little more of a workout than is showing on the calorie count.  Still not sure exactly how much without know the true incline.  I read somewhere that a 15% incline burns twice as many calories as the level.  I need to do more research.

23 Minute Intervals

I've set the goal for 7.5 miles in 90 minutes.  It will be slow progress at first, but I have all year to really focus on not grabbing the bars or quitting.  I will push through.  Today was just walking for 90 minutes.  It's been about a month since I did any running.  So I started with the setting at the lowest setting and increased my speed by one click each time another 23 minutes passed.  I increased the speed by four.  Only walking, but I think this will catch up with me quickly.

Before You Know Kindess -- Chris Bohjalian

I'm about to finish Before You Know Kindness.  I actually started this one about two years ago while on vacation, put it back and didn't get back to reading it until this past week while on vacation again.  I finished it this week.  A little longer than what I've read lately of hi, and a little confusing at first with the siblings and the brother/sister-in-law, and their two girls, but very good.  I've got less than ten pages left, I'm waiting for the one last detail than Bohjalian spends some time on about the 2/3 mark of the book, but I haven't heard or read much since.  I hope that gets resolved.  Other than that, another great read by Chris Bohjalian.

7 Mile Bridge Run

I've set a very lofty goal that includes running the seven mile bridge in the Florida Keys.  Aptly named the 7 Mile Bridge Run.  It's a year away.  I'd like to try to train for it and see what happens.  So I've made a plan to run every day of the week except for one.  I will also be setting the incline on the treadmill to the steepest setting.  I think this is 12 - 15% can't find an accurate site to help with that.  I will probably end up doing my own estimation using a protractor.

Anyway, I start tomorrow.  I'll try to remember to post something each day even if it's only my stats.