The Winter of Our Discontent: House Guest

I woke up this morning to a house guest.  A house guest I didn't know about.  My husband and my son went and picked up a family friend (his side of the family) from the airport and brought him back to our house at 11:30 or so at night.

I'm not sure where the line of communication broke down.  I just know that I almost walked out of my room in some raggedy old pajamas and no bra.  My husband had gone to work and left the bedroom door open, I wasn't thinking about company.  I started out the bedroom door, luckily, He was sitting in a chair in our living room that had its back to the door I was walking through.  I quietly closed the bedroom door and got dressed while I took a mental inventory of what had been said.  I couldn't remember.  All I knew now was there was a visitor in my living room.

I rummaged around and made some waffles and coffee.  We'd been on vacation.  There was very little food in the house.  Especially the absence of syrup after I'd already started the waffles.

Turns out my son had offered to take him down to my mother in law's house some time that morning and they didn't tell anyone because my mother in law left her volunteer position to come get him at my house.  Meanwhile, we were headed south to her house.  She wasn't home, so we went out for lunch.  It wasn't a huge deal.  Just one of those things that no one communicated about.

Fitness Tuesday: Very Sad News

I read that Dirty Foot Adventure Run is being cancelled--forever.  Apparently, they were not able to get or agree on permitting.  The one I did a few weekends ago was their third.  One would have thought they were out of the bushes.  I know these things must be very expensive.  I enjoyed the race, terrain,  and the obstacles.  In October 2011, there was another obstacle course race sponsored by another company that disappointed a lot of runners.  I had a good time.  Now this race is being pulled.  This leaves Central Florida with the Warrior Dash in February 2014.  Very disappointing.

Books and Movies: In Praise of Chris Bohjalian

It happened quite innocently.  I read a book from the library called Midwives and didn't think a thing about it.  I liked it, and the plot stuck with me more so than most books.  Then I saw the book at the bookstore with another on of his books tThe Double Bind.  I was so creeped out by this book, I had to have another.  Skeletons at the Feast, Secrets of Eden, and The Night Strangers.  I have now read five Christ Bohjalian books (that I can recall).  His books are never long--about 400 pages--there is nothing gratuitous or unnecessary.  For example, I have read books that I got into the middle and ended up skimming through the middle section and not missing a thing.  With Chris Bohjalian, the reader better pay attention and not miss a word.  Consequently, my next five reviews will be Chris Bohjalian books.  Probably not necessary to dedicate a whole blog to each book, because they are all so very good, but I think it takes a lot of work to write quality fiction and have it stick out over the others, so I'll give Mr. Bohjalian his props. 

Fitness Tuesday: Dirty Foot Adventure Run COMPLETE

Turns out the run was 5.5 miles and every bit as exciting.  As I had predicted, there was a lot of upper body strength obstacles there was no way I was going to do, but there were enough easier obstacles it didn't feel like a waste.  I went with a friend that did all the obstacles, so my time of just over an hour ended up being a pretty true time.

If you live in Central Florida, and you like obstacle course racing, I highly recommend this event for the rough terrain, and even more rough obstacles.

The next Dirty Foot Adventure Run is some time in July 2013--I think.

We will be signing up for the Dirty Duo in Sarasota that benefits their JROTC.  That race is in May, so maybe a July race will be a nice span of time?  Who knows.  I'm addicted to these things.

Books and Movies: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

I realized I have finished this trilogy and never review the first book.  I bought this book after the fervor for the Stieg Larsson trilogy had dissipated.  I didn't want to be the next one in line with the latest book, instead, I found three paperbacks and eventually made my way through all three.  I think this trilogy is best read from beginning to end.

Plot aside, one of the things that seemed to hit me about these books--and the second one--is how easily the main character seems to find someone to have sex with.  He's already in a casual sex relationship with a woman who is married and her husband knows about it, and is OK with it.  Along the way, he sleeps with others.  This disturbs me a little, but maybe it's just the times or the country the book was originally written in.

Other than that, the girl in the bookstore, was right, it took a little while for the book to get going.  I might add I was almost half way into the book before I reached that "I can't put this down" moment.  The oddest thing about reading this first book is that I found the most unbelievable character--Lisbeth-- the most believable.  There were a lot of details in this book that didn't seem necessary until reading the second and third installments.  So, if you're deciding whether to buy, finish, or complete the trilogy, it was a good read.

Beware, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest is over 800 pages long.  Ironically, it is the best of the three.  Everything finally makes sense, in other words, so hold out for the end.  There are a few things Larsson takes liberties with that left me thinking, um, no.

Winter of Our Discontent: Defensive

My husband and I are back going through one of those phases I guess couples go through.  He doesn't care and I pretend it doesn't bother me.  I suppose I could end the discussion there and save myself some time writing a blog, however, that's not the reason people write blogs.

The big picture is I'm trying very hard to gently phase us into the time in our lives when I will be going back to work.  It's going to be quite a shock for both of us and even though I've thought about it a lot.  I'm not sure who will be affected most.  The career path I have chosen is not going to be easy.  It will take a while to gain momentum, but I think in a few years, I will be making some pretty good money.  However, I don't think it will be an easy transition when it comes to our home life.  So, consequently, I've been a little more critical that usual lately.  Most of the time I just let it go.  I'm home all the time I'll pick it up, wipe it off, clean it out, etc.  Those days are quickly fleeting, so I have begun point things out like food left on dishes put away from the dishwasher.  Toothpaste on the faucet.  Facial hair around the sink.  Picking up behind ourselves, etc.  I tried very hard to make it a group effort.  For months I adamantly stood by the "we" and the "our" in critical statements.  As time progresses, nothing is changing and I will admit that I am stepping it up a bit.  I am pointing out specific things.  I try not to bring anything up two days in a row.  I try not to bring up more than one or two things at a time.  This process is so tedious.

Last night my husband had retreated to the computer room to watch hockey and pursue his hobby obsession while I tried to finish my homework for school.  I made several announcements that I was done with my homework.  What was I going to do with myself for the rest of the evening.  I even made several passes through the computer room looking for something to do.  I even stated that this was my only day off this week and I was trying to think of something to do together.  He didn't catch on to my desire to find something to do together.

Later, he began to do the dishes in his usual half baked manner.  When he left and went back to the computer room I came out to finish up.  i.e. wash out the pitcher, clean the counters, and do some busy work.  Then he suddenly reappeared and started moving papers around the counter.  Piling up unrelated coupons and pieces of plastic with newspaper flyers and mail.  I asked him rather rudely what he was doing.  He said he was "finishing" the kitchen.  This made me angry.  He was done in the kitchen until I came in and decided to finish the job.  Now he was pushing papers and junk around on the counter that had been there for a week.  I simply wanted to know why.  Why tonight?

He disappeared as soon as I turned my back.  It took me about 15 minutes to go through the accumulated miscellaneous on the counter.  I turned off the light and picked a book to read.

Mental Messages: What are You Passionate About?

If you had nothing else to do,what would you do?  When you have so much to do, you don't know what to do first, what do you wish you could do?

I've been thinking a lot about this as I work toward the end of five years back to school.  Five years.  I went 18 years dreaming about someday going back to school.  Back before my loans reached epic proportions, I used to sooth myself into thinking I could finish school and just click that off my list.  Finish school.  Check.  Things would return to where they were before.  I could keep my small struggling music teaching business and we'd ride happily off into the sunset.  Free time intact, emotions intact, and some pretty important hurdles jumped.

In those five years, my husband has gotten exactly one raise and I have lost all of my students.  I can tell you this.  After more than 20 years teaching music privately, I think I was done five years ago.  I'd lost the desire.  It had been a long time since I'd had that special student that made it seem worth it.  I'd lumbered along with just enough students for it to be annoying and too many to commit to anything else.  The truth is the business started dying 10 years ago, but that's another story.

I will be graduating in less than six months.  Anyone can do six months.  Now I realize that the original plan is not the plan.  I don't want to teach anymore.  I don't want to share my false passion for music.  I want to get a real job.  I want to obsess about my career.  I want to do well in my new life and leave the old one far far behind.  That's my passion for today.

Warrior Dash III

I was thinking today that I ran the third Warrior Dash back in January and had a good time.  I ran with a friend that has now run three of them with me.  This is the first race I ran at my new weight.  I could really tell a big difference.  I did all but the last real obstacle.  It was like two "W"s.  With nets, ropes, and pieces of wood nailed to plywood.  I made it about 1/3 of the way into it and just got worn out from waiting and holding on.

It was way too crowded at that obstacle.  We stood waiting to master it for over 20 minutes (when we finally looked at our watches).  That was disappointing to wait all that time and not be able to finish it.  It just seemed so crowded the whole time.  I think our decision to run earlier at Dirty Foot Adventure Run paid off.

Books and Movies: The Bourne Identity -- The Book

So many people have seen the movies--including me.  It seemed silly to read a book written so long based on a movie written quite a while ago.  However, I got a gift card to a books store and since that is one of my favorite things to do, I bought a triology: The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, and The Bourne Ultimatum.  Now I did learn that there are some new books being written about the main character Jason Bourne by a new author, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

It was difficult to read The Bourne Identity after seeing the movie so many times.  I remember feeling this way when I sat down to read James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans.  The book was very, very, good.  After seeing the Daniel-Day Lewis running through the woods to save Madeleine Stowe, I had to approach the book as if it were a completely different story.  Turns out, when they made the movie version of The Bourne Identity, they took a lot of liberty.  I appreciated that the book could go in to more detail.

It actually took me two tries to read the book.  I started the book on vacation, and didn't return to it until I couldn't remember what I had read (Seems I do that a lot when I start books on vacation).  I have started The Bourne Supremacy and as I stated before, got interrupted with school work, so it's back on the shelf.  The real Bourne Identity (in book form) is a good read.  It wasn't as exciting as it could have been, in that it was just close enough to the movie to spoil it, and not close enough that it didn't ruin it.  I wish I'd known about the books before practically memorizing the movies.

Overall, I wouldn't run out and buy them, but they were an exciting read that didn't require a great deal of commitment.

Winter of Our Discontent: Drive By

I think if we live long enough, we have that chapter or moment that we'd just like to forget.  One such event is a location I have to drive by just about every day.  The location is a former employer.  What a mess.  I really liked that job, but when things turned sour.  The honeymoon was over.  I quit when the going got tough, while at the same time, the going never should have gotten tough.

I drove by the building with my husband in the car.  I looked over at the building and made the statement that set the tone for the rest of the afternoon.

"Have you ever had that thing that you just kind of stay angry about?"  I paused for about a second and continued.  "What happened there never should have happened.  I think 51% of it was my fault, but it just never should have happened.  I still get angry about it.  Not anger like rage, but that annoyed kind of anger that it still bugs me.  Just a little."

My husband basically asked me when I was going to let that go.  Of course, I got angry at him.  He's lived such a charmed life.  I asked him if there was anything in his life that still kind of bugged him, even just a little.  He couldn't think of anything, so that made me more angry.  Finally, the remaining five minutes of the ride home was laced with me becoming even more angry because he'd never been hurt that badly, or affected that greatly by something he had no control over.  Must be nice.

The conversation ended with me telling him I was sorry I had things in my life that were bigger than I was.  Things I couldn't just drop, let go, or forget.

Fitness Tuesday - Dirty Foot Adventure Run!

Well, it is the first Fitness Tuesday after a year.  I am 40+ pounds down.  I've run three Warrior Dashes, one Iron Crusader and I'm scheduled to run in the Dirty Foot Adventure Run this weekend, March 9.  I've been training as much as I can since the Warrior Dash has ended up being only five weeks before the Adventure Run.  The adventure run is 4.75 miles and appears to have more obstacles.  I have been working out my upper body much more these weeks in hopes of it being enough.  I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't run any faster or farther than I could a month ago, so that last 3/4 miles are going to take nothing but grit and determination, but I think that's the idea.  I've been working on the treadmill with inclines on the theory that without the incline, perhaps the flat terrain will be easier and not be as tough on me.  That remains to be seen.

Winter of Our Discontent: Seeing Him

My last writing on this topic was a little over a year ago.  I didn't write about it when it happened, but I saw him.  I saw him at a restaurant last summer.  It's probably been about nine months.  I really didn't know how I was going to be.  I remembered how he'd promised me he could be "discreet".  He'd told me if we crossed paths in public, he'd never give me away.  I thought about how that promise had been the beginning of our end.  I'd spent my life being ignored, why would I want another person in my life to act like I didn't exist?

I was having lunch with a special friend of mine--a lady.  We entered the restaurant and I saw him almost right away.  He was sitting with what I immediately recognized as co-workers from when we were together.  Lots of "frumpy old bitties" that I knew hated him for all his annoying habits.  I wanted to put my back to him but my friend sat in the booth with her back to me, so unless I wanted to sit next to her, I was stuck facing him.

Fast forward through our lunch.  I kept the conversation lively so I could justify focusing on her and not on the rest of the room.  I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the "party" he was with was breaking up.  The ladies were gathering their over-sized purses and sweaters they saved for eating out when it was cold in a restaurant.  I saw him get up and he was walking my way.  He'd left the restaurant and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was mistaken.

After the table had emptied out and the group had dispersed, several minutes later, he appeared at my table.  Obviously a few pounds lighter, without his nerdy spectacles, embarrassing "almost" mullet, and he was speaking to me.  I thought I might throw up.

He asked me if I'd "taken care of" my situation.  Later, when I realized what he meant, I couldn't believe he was asking me about this in such a bold manner!  Right here in front of my friend he was asking me if I was still married.  Luckily I didn't catch on right away and told him I'd transferred and found the new location much more to my liking.  The people I was working with and the atmosphere was much better suited to my liking.  I felt put upon and awkward.  What was I supposed to say?

As he walked away, I hoped he felt stupid for approaching me.  I hoped he was disappointed that I'd moved on and didn't care about him.  I wanted him to feel silly and embarrassed.  I wanted him to get out to his car and feel frustrated.  I wanted him to feel DUMPED.

43 Pounds Lost! Discover an Answer

Well, it is fitting after a year away from blogging, the first thing I do is write about my 43 lost pounds.  I have tried off and on for about three or four years to lose weight.  I found an old graph in January 2011 that told the story of being unsuccessful.  In January 2011 I weighed 208 pounds, the weight fluctuated between there and 216.  In January 2012, the graph still read 208 pounds.  I believe I was done fooling around.  Everyone has to have that moment that they say this is really, really dumb.

I 'd told myself over and over, I had "narrow" shoulders, I had "fat" arms, I was a "big" girl.  The excuses just kept coming.  Creeping up on a size 20+, at 5'5" (what some might consider on the verge of being petite) something had to change.  July of 2012 I discovered the much overlooked understated mantra:

"Calories in, Calories out."

I began to use a calorie counting website July 31, 2012.  Caloriecount.com has been the answer.  The only answer.  In six months I have lost more weight than I lost in the other two-plus years of trying to exercise enough to justify eating whatever I want.

I learned through process of elimination, for me, it's going to be a pound and a half at a time and not without sacrifice.  I can't "not eat" and lose weight.  when I eat about 1200 - 1500 calories a day, I lose weight.  If I eat more, I don't lose.  If I eat less, I gain.  Yes.  That's right.  I gain.  I try for about 600 - 800 calories of activity a day for between five to six days a week.  When I'm tired or don't feel like it, I don't.  I double up in a few days or just don't worry about it.  Still, I've lost about three and a half pounds a month for the past six months.  For now, I have plateaued at the the 170 mark.  Everyday I think "this is the day I will weigh 169", the scale reads 171, 172, or the mind screaming, 170.2

Based on the calculations on the website, I do best at about 700 - 800 calorie deficit.  I try for a 1,000 calorie a day deficit and I get grouchy, weak, and can't work out at my best.

My suggestion for everyone is to skip the schemes and pills.  Join something that counts the calories for you, take a thirty minute walk or an hour bike ride on the weekend.  Remember, you have to want this for yourself and be willing to do this even when no one else cares or notices.

Another 20 miles

I was able to put another 20 miles on the treadmill this week.  I feel good about this plan.  I have not done the P90X this week, but hope to resume at least the upper body discs on my off days from the treadmill.  I was only able to do the Ab Ripper one time this week.

My best time this week was four miles in 62:44.  One of my big goals for the next few months is to get that time down to 60:00.  I am adding some tenths of a mile in my "cool down" in hopes of working up a little toward five miles a day.  I am setting a personal goal of a 10K by this time next year.  I want to surprise my tiny little friend, so I'm not saying much to her until I get closer to the 6.2 miles.

A Lazy Day

Today is kind of a lazy day.  Sitting in the recliner googling whether Beyonce was really pregnant and the Six Best Ways to Keep Your New Man.  I landed on a ranking website that ranked Rhode Island School of Design as having the number one creepiest mascot.  Apparently, it's a man's parts--down there. "Scrotie".  Ewww.

Leave it to those free thinkers.

The verdict?  I never thought Beyonce was pregnant.  I wondered how she was going to pull this off.  I think most people would have forgiven her if she'd just come out with the surrogate.  Maybe she could have said she couldn't carry babies for some medical reason.  I don't know.  Her body is how she makes money, why would she want to risk that?  I don't blame her if she wasn't.  What if she gained gobs of weight an stretched out her stomach and was never quite able to get back on top of the industry?  She'd be screwed.  That's how it is when someone has used their body to sell their singing voice.

As far as keeping my "new" man.  The list was stupid.  I'm supposed to laugh more, enjoy his hobbies, include him in my decisions, not let him monopolize my time and some other goofy things for women in their twenties and thirties that still actually think they should have to jump through hoops to keep a man.  Big tip comin' up here ladies.  If you like each other enough and your don't have any super-duper personality flaws, the rest kind of works itself out.  You'll either stay together or break up.  There's really no way around it.  Unless you go for the friends with benefits junk that is a bunch of nonsense.  Everyone knows the girl is using herself up.

So I look at the picture of the "plush" mascot representing male genetalia and just wonder where I've been that this is actually OK.

I'm Broke . . . Again

Went to the bank today.  I was $375 overdrawn.  That's always so embarassing when the teller give you this blank smile through the window.  I'm in a pickle.  Two of my students haven't paid me in MONTHS.  I'm owed something like $500 and I lost two students in January.  This is even suckier, because just maybe I can get the $500 dollars from the studetns I have, but the $120 a month is going to add up fast.  Apparently, it already has.

Logged In 20 miles and P90X

Last week was a good week for the treadmill.  As my title shows, I got in 20 miles.  5 days, four miles each.  I was going to do some uphill stuff, but it was just wearing me out too much to do anything the rest of the day.  I know with time I would have gotten accustomed to it and would have benefitted much more from the challenge, however, I need the emotional triumps almost as much as I need the physical triump, so I adjusted the treadmill to level and did four miles three more time.

I also did disc 1 of the P90X and the Ab Ripper X on Tuesday and a nother Ab Ripper on Thursday.  I started into the first 15 minutes of Disc 2.  Plyometrics are tough for me.  I wanted to power through them, but felt week and sore from doing too much on the treadmill.  I decided to put them off for Friday and as I could have predicted the days slipped away and now it is time to start a new week.  I feel good about last week's performance on the treadmill, just working through disappointment at not being able to do very much of the Plyometrics.

These are so awesome.  See the little knobs?  Those adjust the
weights that you pick up when you pick them up.  The numbers
are too small to see in this picture, but they are 5, 10, 15, 20
and 25 pounds.  This created a great workout.

For Disc 1 I used my new dumbbells.  Did I already mention I bought some Gold's Gym Space Saver  25 singles?  I love these weights.  I had some "girly" dumbells at 3, 5 and 8 pounds that were just not heavy enough.  I didn't get a good challenge out of them.  I am a new convert to "free" weights.  I've worked out on a circuit trainer for years and never saw some of the disadvantages.  Now I'm not slamming a circuit trainer because something is better than nothing, but free weights are definitley where it's at for a wholistic training session.

The balancing muscles don't get used when you are pulling or pushing stable weights.  When you sit or lean against something, you are actually almost doing yourself a disservice.  However, something is always better than nothing.

So that's where I was at and going into this week.  I'm going to try to stick to the 20 miles and try to get through the Plyometrics video.  I love P90X.  I hope I can do it someday.

Winter Of Our Discontent: Is This the Moment?

I slept in a little this morning and a thought occurred to me that has occurred to me before but I didn't give it much attention.  When I was in the beginning of tenth grade or even perhaps the summer before tenth grade, my mom left me and my dad and took my two sisters to another state.  I remember being told she was going over there to go to a different doctor.  There is a great deal of tragedy that has followed her decision that she never could have predicted.  A seriously sad chain of events critical to my future and the future of the family.

I kind of suppose up to this point in my life--what was I 15 or 16--I didn't do much caring what was going on around me.  I was just living my life.  So when the other shoe dropped I didn't give that much mind either.

I was given a choice.  Leave my friends, my school, my home and go with them or stay with my dad and live my mom's friends during the week and live at home on the weekends.  Now I know at the time I was in the tenth grade.  I was playing in a big band and felt very much a part of the group.  I'd been first chair all through middle school and the first two years of High School.  I had some friends in the band and my best friend at the time was  my locker mate for the last two years.  These are the things that are important to a tenth grader with little else.

What I had at home was strife.  My older sister was a little bit of a bully, and my younger sister had been a sickly child, so she inherently got the lion's share of attention.  I didn't know my dad as much as I should have at 16.  I wanted to stay behind.  Things here might not have been the greatest, but at least I had stability.

So, that day my mother, two sisters and the family dog packed up the station wagon and left.  I don't remember feeling much of anything about their leaving.  That bothers me a little.  What bothers me more is what happened to all of us that year or so and the butterfly effect that followed one woman's decision.

Mental Messages: How Do Other Women Do It?

Where do they go to shed this weight of being a woman?  This heavy burden of being "emotional", "moody", "flighty", "quirky"--the list goes on.  Some times I just don't want to exist anymore.  It's so heavy on my soul today, I really have to keep going just to survive.  I don't know who to be, how to be, or what to be.  I'm so frustrated with the world around me.  I try not to be weak and I get abandoned.  I try to be decisive and I get rebellion.  I try to be firm and I get attitude.  I try to be clean and organized and I get disrespected.  I try to include and end up being excluded.  I try to not talk and I get ignored.  I try to talk and get interrupted.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I have no one.  Everyone is so busy.  I have opened up to a few people in my life and was met with disinterest.  People I thought loved me and cared about me are just too busy to deal with me.  It's your decision.  Just pick yourself up.  What are you complaining about?  At least this, at least that.  I want to crawl on a rooftop and tell the world I am dying inside from trying to figure out what to do, how to be, what to be . . .maybe someone would notice what it has felt like to be me.  Even if for a brief moment.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

I once dreamed.  I dreamed of family, of happiness, and of satisfaction.  I dreamed of holidays, vacations, plans and change.  I hoped for the future and reveled in the past.  My days were filled with pleasing those I loved.  Now I wonder what those I love fill their days with.

Back to the Treadmill

I'm back on the treadmill and I've decided that this year my goal will be four miles.  Seems a little goofy knowing that my goal last year was three miles and I didn't make it.

Here's the difference.  I realize my failure in that I kept trying to peak.  I pushed myself and when I could perform, I got discouraged and gave up.  I've pretty much gone back tot he drawing board again and set the goals and try to stick with them.  The idea that "At least I'm doing something" isn't goin to work with me anymore.  I'm going to run four miles and I'm not going to take year to do it.  I am doing four miles (two at incline and two flat) in 100 minutes.  I realize that is super slow, but I want to go faster and faster little bits at a time.

If I did the math correctly I should be doing four miles in an hour in about 7 weeks.  I am also going to be doing the P90X alternately until my stamina for running improves.  I know the program prescribes everyday, but again, I will be fighting a psychological battle as well as a physical battle.

Wish me luck!