I just read a facbook entry from a friend that claims to be "blessed". Statements like this interest me. Like when people say they heard God's voice tell them what they should do or felt the "Holy Spirit" nudge them. I'm certain within a few percentage points that I've never actually heard God'v voice despite a phase I went through of wanting to hear it pretty bad. The nudging of the Holy Spirit seems to be more of a nuance than a feeling, so it's quite possible in all my busyness that had the Holy Spirit actually nudge me, I probably didn't recognize it as any more than my inner self.
Now this is not to say that this sort of thing doesn't happen. It's just never happened to me. Two of my favorite people on TV, Ken and Gloria Copeland claim both of these things. Why not? They've centered their lives around such things. I'll admit, I'm pretty shamelessly jealous of anyone that claims to have heard or felt any member of the Holy Trinity. Anyone who has opening prayed in the grocery store or has prayed a child's prayer for a boat and got one ranks up pretty high on my list.
So I return to my facebook friend that is "blessed". Last night his blessing came in the form of having a son he enjoyed spending time with. Then of course I wonder if he'd had a son he didn't enjoy spending time with, what would that mean? Would he have stepped over into the "unblessed" by God crowd? I don't know. I'm just sayin'.
This same man has claimed "blessings" on multiple occasions. A lovely wife, a beautiful home. A job. Hmmm. I also listened to a pastor who claimed to regularly hear God's voice in his study. A pastor's study is a magical place. Many things happen there that don't happen too many other places. This man claims to receive direction on what topics to preach about. Some undesignated member of the Trinity has contacted him and helped him choose a sermon.
I've prayed longingly for that kind of direction. I've cried on my face concerning many things. I've sobbed prostrate on the carpet at the foot of the alter of my church wanting to hear God's voice tell me just one thing. I laid there on my face for quite some time after the tears would no longer flow and a long string of mucous had made its way to the floor. Unhappiness and discontentment being the only things directing me. I didn't hear the voice, but I made the decision I'd hoped He would want at least some input. Apparently he didn't want input that bad. I got up, walked away from the one place on this planet I was pretty sure God would be willing to reveal himself. I quit the job at the church and have drifted fairly aimlessly since.
I can't tell you the jealous rage I have feltt at other's claims to God's wonders. The blessings, the miracles, the joy and filling. The Holy Spirit was sent for all of us. Not to just "nudge" a chosen few that fit some impressive criteria. I've been promised a comforter. I've been promised a provider. I can't seem to tune in to these things no matter how still I sit, how much I cry or how many nights I repeat the same prayer over and over again.
I will interject this. I've changed. I've stopped waiting around for God to fulfill some grocery list of needs. I've stopped waiting for family members to meet my wants and desires. They aren't going to and God doesn't appear to be in the business of checking lists. At the risk of saying something offensive to a reader or even worse, to God. I'm not sure I know what God is thinking or wants. I haven't experienced any of those things that others claiming to walk side by side with God have experienced.
You know, there's a possibility that all these sensations, leadings and voices are not from any member of the heavenly sect. There's even a stronger possibility that there are no angels or demons watching our every mood. That God is not fretting over us the way we'd like to think he is. That he doesn't care where we park, what we eat or who we marry. I can't imagine what it must be like to be the God we've created in our minds and an even bigger statement would be I can't imagine ever claiming to know what he's thinking.
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