Something happened yesterday that made me want to talk to him. Phone him, text him, go over there. I was scared to because of how I'd left it with him. At the same time, the feelings for him, that attraction to him, that powerful draw, beginning to weaken makes me so sad.
I felt silly later on last night. I'll figure it out. I also had a moment to think while I was in the icky moment of wanting to grab my phone and just hear his voice. Why him? Why not any of the other men that have openly found me attractive? Why was I attracted to this guy? There's nothing to look at about him. He's not even physically attractive in the slightest. I don't know. I really don't know. Maybe that is what I need to be dwelling on. What was it about him, or maybe even the timing that made me give in to what I was feeling? I remember while it was going on, thinking that he is only person I spend as much time with as I do. I remember being a little sad that I spent more time with him than I did my husband.
I don't think that's a very good excuse. It may be part of the reason, I just don't think it's the reason. He had confidence. An offensive amount of confidence. One might think it was ego or arrogance, but when I realized he could back it all up, I knew it was confidence and that was sexy. Oh crap, was that sexy. At this moment, I am surrounded by men that just never come through for me. I'm really, really, really--did I say really?-- disappointed in the men around me. Men I know personally, husbands of women I know, men I work for and with. What a disappointment. So maybe this is the beginning of a sad little list:
1. Time/Attention
2. True confidence
Ah, well, It ain't over. Might as well learn something from it.
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