Even With the Cheesecake

Well I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed 185.0 pounds.

Yep.  185.0.

Indicating I have lost four pounds in six days.  I started watching my calories like a hawk.  Not logging, just guessing and shooting for about 1500 - 1600.  I haven't been to the gym in eight days.  Was thinking about squeezing something in tonight, but know there will be students and I am making a peanut butter pie for work.

To digress, this is the most amazing peanut butter pie ever.

Back to the 185 pounds.  I haven't lost that much weight in this little time in quite some time, if ever.  It's only four pounds, but I look in the mirror and even if it's psychological, I think I see it.  I am going to keep on trying through the end of June and see if I can continue to lose at that same rate.  If I can stick with it, I just may lose another four pounds before the first of July, making a total of eight pounds.  10 pounds would put me back at 179.

Might not be able to keep up the pace, but if I could, I could maybe lose 30 pounds by the end of July, putting me in the 150s which I haven't seen for decades.  Today I am encouraged.  Today I feel as though there may be hope.

Didn't Couldn't

Well here I sit.  Should have gone to the gym.  No energy.  Took my Maca Root today so I would feel up to it.  Not happening.  Now tonight I have a bad headache while a storm brews outside.

I'm improving my nutrition.  This morning I drank a Bolthouse Farms Tropical type smoothie like yesterday morning with vitamins and a scoop of reduced fat cottage cheese.

No snacks

Lunch was my chef salad with a few pieces of turkey and ham as well as a boiled egg and a pinch of shredded cheese.

Tonight while I was getting ready for what I thought might be a trip to the gym I ate hummus, triscuits, a yogurt and my protein drink.  In my head I think it was about 1500 calories, maybe 1600.  Too much if I'm not going to work out.

Disappointed in a lot of things these days.  It's just not working out as I had hoped.  I'm exhausted from work most days.  Headaches from the summer storms.  Bad nights not sleeping well.  I felt so energetic last week.  What happened?

One Week Break From Gym Madness

Well, no matter how I look at it.  Today marks seven days since I was last at the gym.  I think I might have needed it.  A week to regroup and rethink.  I spent this evening researching fat loss tips.  I really didn't see anything I didn't already know, but it helps to refresh myself and load up on hints for the days to come.

I ate pretty good Monday and today.  I a veggie drink and some cottage cheese Monday morning and a store-bought bottled fruit smoothie on Tuesday.  I had a Peanut Butter Cookie Larabar for a snack.  Super tasty and NO SUGAR.  The other bar I find myself snacking on the most is the Apple Pie.  Also very tasty and again.  NO SUGAR.  In fact, I read a blog a moment ago that said none of the Larabars have sugar in them--except the three with chocolate chips.  There's a cane sugar thing.  However, I did see items like

brown rice syrup

I don't know about brown rice syrup.  I need to do some reading.

A nice chef salad for lunch with oil and vinegar dressing.  Oh, yeah, by the way,  Paul Newman has some great salad dressing that is pretty basic salad dressing in the ingredients area, but if you're looking to not have to make your own dressing, this is the one I don't get tired of.

No Sugar!

Don't Do Me Any Favors

I've been thinking about my post questioning the true meaning of the favor.  I came to a convoluted conclusion I have to do things for myself and take responsibility for what I want.  Don't accept a favor because favors require reciprocation.  Unless I want to feel obligated, I need to meet my needs.  Find my happiness.  Get want I want.

From this day forward if I don't eat right, or don't go to the gym it's my fault.  I am the one that caused my weight gain.  I am the one that let my eating get out of control.  I am the one that ate too much, too often.  I am the one that was too tired to go to the gym.  It's all on me.

Remember That Last Piece of Cheesecake?

Well.  I believe last night I said I had my last piece of cheesecake until a time I hadn't completely decided?  Seems today was my last piece of cheesecake.  Make that pieces.  I ate the last three pieces of cheesecake in one setting.  Now I have a headache and have been binge watching How I Met Your Mother.  I know how it ends.  Unfortunately I know how it ends for me as well.  Gaining back the 50 pounds I lost.

I've got to get hold of myself and figure out what the magic bullet is before I truly do gain back all 50 pounds.  It took me years to lose and I gained back half of it in one year.  I ate half a cheesecake this weekend and haven't been to the gym since Wednesday.  I've got to get control of myself before I ruin all my hard work.

The three pieces of cheesecake I ate in one setting so that they would all be gone and I wouldn't be tempted truly has to be the last dessert I eat for a while.  I'm not considering denying myself because I've already heard denying myself can be just as big a mistake as eating three pieces of cheesecake in one setting.

I fell off the wagon.  I gained 25 pounds.  I need to figure out what to do next.

First Day Back

I got up this morning and weighed.

188.9 pounds

Decided this was it I needed to get back on the wagon.  I signed up to bodybuilding.com, put all my information in and found they'd like me to weigh 122 pounds and have a 16% body fat.

Holy Moly I've got a long way to go.

66 pounds and cut my body fat by 17%.

I had my last dessert for a while today.  It was cheesecake and it was delicious.  I've been thinking perhaps a luxurious dessert once a month might be kind of nice.  I was originally thinking a dessert reward for every 10 pounds lost, but that seemed counterproductive.

Looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow.  I'm going to keep my original cardio goals.  The goals are a little difficult to explain, but I think they will fit nice with my weightlifting goals.  Hoping to finally start losing some weight, get back to 165 and get more weight off from the original effort from a year and a half ago.

Going Back

I'm going back to my original semi-vegetarian state.  Still in the thinking phases, I know I want to take red meat and pork back out of the equation and reinsert more fruits and veggies.  These last few months have been heavy on the simple and light on the healthy.  I am going to flip that.  The problem is going to be breaking free of the ease my husband sees in the process of dumping a bunch of crap into a slow cooker on Sunday and eating off it all week.

Do I announce my intentions and tell him he's free to eat what he wants, I'm not cooking it?

Do I continue to cook his unhealthy food alongside my semi-vegetarian foods?

I don't know yet.

Ultimately, I'm tired of feeling obligated to eat easy or what he likes because I don't want to fool with him.  If I didn't have to worry with him, I know I could come home each night, throw a salad on a plate cook up some fish or shrimp and have that be it.

The root of the problem appears to be not wanting to fool with him.  I'm not too tired to cook healthy or be healthy, I'm tired of him.  I'm tired of feeling obligated to him and his evenings and his foods. 

What am I supposed to do when all that stuff is how he feels loved?

Calling In Favors

I am back today perplexed about a realization.  Another epiphany--if you will.  Favors are called favors for a reason.

"Will you do me a favor?"

Usually, the person has the right to say, "No."

However, if the one asking the question has already done something as a "favor" for the person being asked for a favor, obligation now exists.  Depending on the frequency of the original favors, the obligation can get large.

Herein lies my perplexities.

See, I tried to find a definition of the word favor that includes our ability to "call in a favor" and I couldn't find one.  A favor is an act above or beyond what might be expected or required.

"Will you do me a favor?"

Nothing in that sentence states to me:

"I've been doing X for you.  You are now obligated to do X for me."

Or:

"You've been doing X for me, I will do X for you."

If there is an agreement where two parties tell one another, "If you do this, I will do this."  That is an agreement between two parties.

So I struggle.  Where does the obligation begin.  Who gets to call in the favor?  When is it even?

He did that for her when he didn't have to.  Now she must do for him?

Disappear

I just got in touch with something I want.  I want to feel safe.  I want to fit inside someones arms and feel safe.  I want to feel a physical and emotional encircling.  I spend my days constantly stepping back from what feels like the precipice between coming undone and sanity.

A daydream I often have is beautiful deeply feathered wings wrapping around my tired aching body.  The wings close around me tighter and tighter until I almost can't breath.  I also dream of stepping into a tiny floating leaf, pulling the edges around me and letting the wind take me away, gently moving me with each small gust.  The movement is so soft, so quiet, so subtle, the water doesn't even ripple.

Maca Root and Caffeine II

I made it to a week without caffeine.  The withdrawal symptoms became more manageable as time went on.  I had coffee today.  I wasn't thinking.  Thought I "needed" it and got it.  I immediately wanted to dump it, but did not want to waste it.  With my husband out of town for the next ten days, I am going to try no caffeine while he is gone.  That includes the weekends when I enjoy my coffee on the back porch.  Thinking about a hot herbal tea alternative.

Dirty Foot Adventure Run: FAIL

I recently realized I did not write about my Dirty Foot Adventure Run.  In my humble opinion it was a waste of a day.  I didn't do well.  I barely did half of the obstacle fatigue set in.  I didn't do the jump at the end.  I skipped out on a simple tube obstacle.  I was afraid of hurting myself the whole time.  I came up out of a crawl, my knee twinged and I completely lost interest in finishing the race.  I hobbled until the knee loosened up enough to run.  My friend had to keep leaving me behind.  Like in the old days I watched her do obstacle after obstacle and saw myself fail and fail again.  This is two mud runs in a row that did not go well.  Am I getting old?  Am I getting fearful?  I guess it remains to be seen.

Maca Root and Caffeine Withdrawals

I wanted to return to my blog and rave about Maca Root.  I made it through a bottle and really felt as though things were looking up physically and mentally.  Tonight I don't know if that is the case.  I've got a terrible headache and my body feels as though I've been beaten.  I was seeing and thinking much more clearly.  Less sensitive, paranoid.  You name it.  Overall.  Maca Root still gets my vote.  I ran out today.  My next order doesn't arrive until Friday.

I'm trying to cut back on caffeine been doing so for about three weeks now.  I didn't realize it was going to be so difficult to resist that morning cup of coffee.  I tried a mixture of cold turkey weaning if that is possible.  I decided to not have caffeine on Friday the first week, then Thursday and Friday the second week, and Wednesday through Friday the next.  This week marked Tuesday through Friday.  I caved on the morning coffee for Tuesday, but had not caffeine the rest of the day, but today, Wednesday I feel similar to the first Friday.  Ugh.

Not sure what to do.  If I stay with the plan I will be back to caffeine on the weekend like I was in the past however, is seems like that first day of each week seems to return me back to the headaches and miserableness I had that first day three weeks ago.