Winter of Our Discontent: Has It Been a Year Already?

On the way home from a trip to JoAnn Fabrics, my husband mentioned that it had been a year since we'd been up to see my parent's for fourth of July.  For me, it is a much more monumental year.  It has almost been a year since I decided to end the "affair".  How do I feel?  Strange.  I feel strange.  I look at the calendar and know that a year ago I was ready to do something so wrong with someone so wrong.  I've changed this year.

While we were on the way home we decided to visit a little wing place.  It had been years since we'd been in.  I was feeling carefree until I saw the car.  A car I knew to be his.  To seal the deal it even had a sticker on it from the university he went to.  I had an easy time believing that he was in there and tried to swallow the irony that we would be discussing the year past and I would have the unfortunate task of enjoying my meal with the man I chose and the man I rejected in the same restaurant.

It would be the first time I'd see him in over a year.  What would I do?  Would I acknowledge him?  Ignore him?

It was surprisingly empty when we walked in.  I was able to scan the guests and tables quickly.  I didn't see him, but that didn't mean he wasn't in a booth I couldn't see from my vantage point.  I felt ugly and fat.  There was a time there I'd felt confident that if I was to see him he'd "see what he lost" by being a jerk.  He'd said I was fat.  He'd said that it didn't matter--that it was the "whole package".  I wondered what package he was referring to.  I am five years older than him and fat.  I think it was the "easy target" package.

We took the second booth we walked by and I continued to scan the restaurant as subtly as I could.  I checked the bar area, the big tables the small booths.  He was not in this restaurant.  We ordered and I waited for him to come out of the restroom or from a corner I couldn't see.

Finally, I saw a young family leave the restaurant and approach the little SUV with the college sticker in the window.  She had a tiny one holding her hand and the the man was definitely not him.  Definitely.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

Even though I know I went my whole life here without meeting him, I know that someday I am going to see him again and someday all those things I said and did are going to flood back.  The only thing I can hope for is that when that day comes I will be ready and feel confident in my decision.