After 18 years as an aunt, 22 years being a mom, 23 years being a wife and almost 45 years as a dutiful daughter and sister, the decision to return to college was simple for me. I was ready for a change, a new chapter.
I don't know how well I masked it, but I was defensive the night I asked my husband if I could go back. I didn't want to ask his permission. If he'd said no, I probably would have gone anyway. Maybe he somehow sensed that that's the place I was in. I told him I'd been to the local community college to see what I needed to complete my A.A. I had a lot of junk credits, but at the same time, I had a good foundation. I needed three full-time semesters. At that point I would transfer to a four year university online or in a neighboring city.
We rode home from the Dairy Queen I'd insisted we talk at pretty much in silence. He hadn't asked me why. I wasn't surprised. He never asked for anything more than the surface. I wanted to go back to school. That was enough for him. I knew him well enough, so I never offered anything more. I finished my Blizzard and that was the end of the discussion until we were about five minutes from home, then he asked me why. I told him I was finished waiting for money to fall out of the sky. I became agitated. I told him I was looking for respect. I was tired of being disrespected.
That's what came out. I was looking for respect. Is that really what I was looking for? I don't know. On a good day, I still don't know. All I knew was that among many other strong feelings, I was angry. I was angry at him and angry at our situation. I was tired of taking junk jobs to "take up the slack". I was tired of scheduling my life around everyone else's. I felt misunderstood, undervalued and I'd had enough. Although I didn't say it, maybe that's what I was looking for. To be truly valued and understood.
He said a college degree would not give me respect and that was pretty much the end of that.
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