Are We In the Same Marriage? II

     I've been thinking on yesterday's post about a 27 year marriage anniversary.  What if divorce wasn't off the table?  What if it was discussed openly as a viable option?  What if the couple weighed it out?  Because I will be honest here, I've never taken divorce out of the equation.  Not because I'm not a Christian, but because life happens.  The reality is divorce can become the only option in the blink of an eye.  Especially if it's not your eye blinking.

      I'll digress to a moment in time I think I might have already discussed here.  A moment I opened my mouth to a young couple openly considering divorce.  My delightful enlightened spouse offered up the time honored, "It gets better."  Followed by a great deal of blah, blah, and more blah that left me wondering if we were in the same marriage.

     I leaned over to the young bride and told her it doesn't get better.  It gets worse.  If she loves him, get ready to buckle down and work 'cause it ain't no picnic and it never will be for more than a weekend.

     They broke up.  I didn't feel responsible or guilty.  I felt relief for them.  They were miserable and their little boy would have endured much more pain to last a life time.  I don't know what happened to her, he remarried and has a little one on the way.  They seem to be satisfied with their choice.

     The funny thing about the whole "divorce is not an option" mantra is that in my almost 50 years of living, I hear men say it more than women.  Men seem to put that on the end of every comment about marriage.  Some may correct me here with their own experience, but I have never heard a woman say it or agree with it.  I'm speculating and drawing a little on my own experience here.  Usually, it's also a pretty difficult man married to a pretty easy going woman starting out the marriage willing to do absolutely anything for him and finding herself pretty disappointed my the extreme lack of reciprocation.  He doesn't bring anything to the table, so taking divorce off the table is no big deal. 

     I say get it out in the open from day one.  Make it an option.  Think it through and if you are a talking type of couple (we aren't), talk it out and see where it takes you.  Marriage isn't a "Christian" institution.  It's an agreement.  A promise to stay together through all these unimaginable difficulties.  Similar beliefs certainly helps, but I don't think being a Christian saves a marriage any more than "taking divorce off the table."  I don't think it hurts to find out what those deal breakers are and re-visit those things with regularity.  For example, in my book lying is a huge deal breaker.  Cheating comes next, but cheating and lying are pretty close, so that may ultimately be the same thing.  Hiding purchases ranks up there pretty high, as well.  I've known a lot of couples that went through emotional affairs and stayed together, but I don't know any couples that full on cheated and stayed together.  Funny thing is, I don't remember covering the deal breakers in pre-marital counseling.

     You see, I don't know if my husband has ever thought about it.  It amuses me to think about it because it would mean we'd have to talk about dissolving the marriage and he hates to talk enough that I think he'd dismiss the thought to keep from talking.

     I think about it.  I think about it long and hard.  Because of some extenuating circumstances, I don't think about it as much.  I don't like the alternatives.  For me, it's been too long and just doesn't matter anymore.  Yeah, I'd like to have that model marriage full of sensitivity and love.  Hand holding.  Love and affection.  Riding off into our twilight years together.  That's not going to happen, so I take the emotions and sex out of the equation and figure out a way to accept the years to come with wisdom and grace.

   Do yourselves a favor and don't take divorce off the table, or even better, put it back on the table.  Talk openly about what it would take to actually, really and truthfully get you, as a couple, to that point and work backward from there.  If you decide there really isn't anything that would make you want to end it forever, then it's true divorce is probably off the table.  But I offer this as well, revisit the idea of divorce when you are both sane and happy because your views will change with time.  Take my word for it.  Those deal breakers will move up and down the rankings.

Damn, Damn, and Damn

I wanted to run tonight.  My batteries were low on the treadmill so I decided to do my P90X before I ran.  I put the batteries in the charger.  It was X Stretch tonight and it felt so good to do I stuck with the whole DVD and wore myself out.  Later, with fresh batteries in the treadmill, I found something to watch on the computer and settled in to a nice 3.6/3.8 mph pace.  I died after 12 minutes.  I didn't even get to breaking a sweat.  Was it the stretch video or the four miles I ran yesterday?  I don't know, I just know I can't run, so I'll forgive myself and record the one run I did early this morning.

Time: 27 minutes
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.4 miles
Calories: 182
Average Speed: 3.11

Are we in the same marriage?

This is interesting.  I've seen this phenomenon in my circle of friends a few times.  A wedding anniversary approaches and "hubby" waxes sentimental with friends raising his (sometimes metaphorical) wine glass to an admiring crowd and speaking loyally and affectionately about the marriage of five, ten, fifteen (and beyond) years.  I wish I could link to the latest.  27 years.  In a week. 

The first thing  notice is this quote:

" . . . so I've been thinking about that."

All I can say is:

Really?  You've been thinking about 'that?' 

He then proceeds to offer up his ten cents in the form of a single silver bullet:

"Take divorce off the table."

Really.  You are one oblivious man if you think she hasn't thought about it once or twice.

The next offering is our glorious three options:

• be miserable
• work it out and be miserable
• learn to love

Apparently, as the entry continues, he has "learned to love."  Meanwhile I wonder who he is passing out this advice to.  As a confidant, I know as a couple, there has been great suffering as he pursued his dreams.  Unemployment, foreclosure, and repossession being one of the top three.  At the risk of becoming too personal, there were also many parenting and relationship choices that almost tore that couple in two deeper than the deepest part of the ocean.

As I read the entry my heart broke for my friend.  The tears I know she's cried because she's cried them on my shoulder.  The loneliness, the bitterness, the abandonment, the thoughtlessness, and resentment she has worked through while I sat and listened without speaking.

He ends the entry with a joking poke at how difficult it must have been to stay with him.  Oh ha ha.  Laugh. Laugh.  It isn't funny.

She hasn't learned to love.  She didn't need to.  She has always loved.  She amazes me.

IDK . . . Was this a good night?

I did some online research today to try to find a different 10K race and may do one in North Miami in January at Oleta River State Park it's part of the DOWN2EARTH groups of runs.  It's a 10K on trails.  Should be fun.  There doesn't appear to be a time limit like the 7 Mile Bridge Run, but it did say runners needed to be able to "run" the 10K.  I suppose that means I need to not hinder the progress of other runners.

It was a good night for P90X and a good night for running, but not such a good night for eating.  My husband brought home fresh pizza as a leftover from an event he attended.  It really seemed to hit the spot because I at four pieces at 300 calories a piece, that's pretty much my entire day's calories in in one sitting, not to mention I'd already eaten 1,000 calories during the day.  I did a little extra P90X, but I was just too worn out to run any more.

Run I
Time: 26
Interval: 2
Distance: ?
Avg. Speed: ?
Calories: ?

Run II
Time: 60 minutes
Interval: non
Distance: 3.7
Speed: 3.7
Calories: 483
P90X: ALL Ab Ripper X!!
Yoga X: 30 minutes
Kenpo X: 15 minutes

Two exercises on Ab Ripper  I did slight modifications--mason twist and another one I don't understand what he's doing so I turned off the CD and made it into two different exercises.  One the mason twist if I pick up my feet I can't touch the ground, so I left my feet down and did 40 reps.

Kenpo X is so fun.  I wish I had a bag to punch.  I will also be shopping for a few yoga blocks.  I really like P90X and can see it helping my running.  If you can't do it, start like I did.  One minute for one week, two minutes on week two.  Before you know it, you will be adding more than a minute a week and wanting to do more.  The change ups in the workouts really helps with boredom!

I need to change the batteries on my treadmill.

Two Runs

I did two runs today.  Felt a little weak, so I held on quite a bit, but stuck it out to the goal time and distance.

Run I
Time: 60
Interval:4
Distance:3.33
Calories:433
Avg Speed: 3.33

I held on a intermittently after 36 minutes.

Run II
Time: 45
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.49
Calories: 326
Avg Speed: 3.32

Kind of a ho hum day for running, but one thing I notice is that I am consistently running faster than three miles per hour.

P90X
Yoga X: 14
Ab Ripper X: 14
Legs & Back: 14

Logging in Some Motivation

It had been about a week since I logged my workouts.  Between the job hunt, studying for my certs, and some other personal crap I've been dealing with I'm really on the skids.  Sitting down and writing down all the work I did last week really helped me see that even though I may not be fast enough and tough enough to run the seven mile bridge when it comes time, it can still be my goal.  So I will relax today and do some running after while and try to tap into the energy I was feeling at the beginning of the month.  My goal for the last of September is the elusive four 15 minute miles.  That may not seem like much to anyone but me, but I have to remember when I started this venture several years ago, I could barely jog for five minutes and I weighed almost 220 pounds.  I'd been kind of fat my entire life from childhood to adulthood.  Thought I was doomed to feeling gross and huge.  Now I look forward to the day I am back down to 168 and lower.

I'm looking for that magic combination of speed and stamina and one day I will find it.  I didn't do a lot of P90X last week, but I'm not going to let that talk me in to skipping new goals.  I enjoy the Yoga X so much I'm going to do that every day for a while.  I will also be adding a minute to my regular discs and a minute to Ab Ripper X.

13 minutes Yoga X
13 minutes daily disc
14 minutes on Ab Ripper X

Pretty good considering I started with two minutes and couldn't even do the warm up for two minutes!  I was peeing in my pants and holding my boobs.  My feet ached and I wanted to throw up.

I got my resistance band in the mail on Friday, so I will be instituting the pull-up challenge into my daily workout.  Shout out to Rogue Fitness for having the best reviews and best resistance band--ever!  These are like the one in the gym I couldn't afford to go to.  I questioned the choice of 1 3/4" because I was still so weak.  At 174 pounds and unable to do a single pull up, I wanted the next width.  However, I went with what was suggested.  I still can't do a complete pull up, (I can bring my forehead to the bar from a dead hang) but the challenge is there to do that one perfect pull up and then go from there.

Well.  Today should have been the start of this week, but as bummed as I was I decided to give myself a break.  I didn't overeat like I would have done in the past on a day like today.  Tomorrow starts the big push for the last week of September.

No Real Progress

Some time last week I took all the figures for the last three months and put them in an Excel spreadsheet only to discover I have made zero progress.  When I run faster, I don't run as far, when I run slower, I run farther.  I've been bummed about it for days.  The fastest I've done any run is 3.45 and my fastest average is a sad 2.87.  I have to run twice as fast and three times as far to make my goal in about six months.  Why am I not getting any faster?  My fastest run was last month and my second fastest was in July.  If I end September with the fastest run this month, I suppose I can call that progress, but it's not the speed and distance I need to be ready for the bridge run.  I'm beginning to wonder if I will be ready--if I can be be ready.

I overate, So I Overran

Crazy cravings for some really bad food.  Went out and got sticky, greasy, fatty, burgers from the closest drive-thru I could find.  Made my husband sick, bless his heart.  I was disappointed in my choice.  I had a coupon for a Whopper at Burger King.  At least there wouldn't have been any cheese and they are flame broiled.  I also would have skipped the greasy novelty potato side and got fries.  Uggh.  I decided to walk/run/jog it off, so I was up way past midnight clicking off the 700 calories I consumed.

I did five workouts.  What a mess:

Run I
Time: 25
Interval: 2
Distance: ??
Calories: ??
Avg Speed: ??
Forgot to write down the stats.


Run II
Time: 60 (20 and 40)
Interval:  Two 4 minute sets
Distance:  2.42
Calories:314
Avg Speed: 2.42

Run III
Tried the one minute interval in five minute sets, increasing by one each time.  Nothing but confusing and a big waste of time . . . 
Time: 55
Interval:
Distance: 3
Calories: 393
Avg Speed: 3.27

Run IV:
Straight up job at about 3.5 to 3.8 mph for 47 minutes.  Thought I might die of boredom and exhaustion.
Time: 47
Interval: none
Distance: 3
Calories: 391
Avg Speed: 3.82

New record for September.  This is significant.  I made it for 47 minutes at an average 3.82 mph.  Should be encouraged.  I'm not.

Run V:
Time: 14
Interval: none
Distance: .53
Calories: 69
Avg Speed: 2.27
Total waste of 14 minutes.

I think that was about 1,000 calories burned.  The website I log my food and activity only indicates about 2/3 the amount my treadmill shows.  It shows I was short burning off my drive thru debacle by about 150 calories. 

Only One Run Today

I probably shouldnt' call these "runs" as I do an awful lot of walking and my average is not much more than a brisk walk.  Oh well.

Time: 43
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.45
Calories: 394
Avg Speed: 3.42
P90X: #4 12 min and AB Ripper X 13 minutes

I am noticing a lot of progress on the P90X in general.  Seems like that plan is the one thing that is working out better.

Three More Runs

Just trying to push through this blah feeling I've had.  Gonna keep on tryin' and keep on postin'.

Run I
Time: 32
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.88
Calories: 245
Avg Speed: 3.52 (New September Record!)

Run II
Time: 54
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.9
Calories: 394
Avg Speed: 3.2

Run III
Time: 43
Interval: Experimental 15 minute sets 1 - 15 for 15 minutes
Distance: 2.5
Calories: 325
Avg Speed: 3.48

Three Runs

Just trying to stick to some kind of plan and show some progress.  Getting discouraged again.

Run I
Time: 30 min
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.7 miles
Calories: 227
Avg Speed: 3.4

Run II
Time: 53 min
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.84
Calories: 369
Avg Speed: 3.2

Run III
Time: 42 min
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.29
Calories: 299
Avg Speed: 3.27

Two Good Runs

Moved P90X time up to 12 minutes on workout and 13 on Ab Ripper X.  Totally feeling it.  My legs feel like jelly.

Run I
Time: 52
Interval: 4
Distance: 2.75
Calories:358
Speed: 3.17

Run II
Time: 39
Interval: 3
Distance: 2.08
Calories: 270
Speed: 3.2

Total
Time: 91
Interval: 3.5
Distance: 4.83
Calories: 628
Speed: 3.18

Disc #3 P90X

Yesterday Was a Weekly Break

Back at it today, hoping to make a difference.

Time: 28
Interval: 2
Distance: 1.5
Calories: 196
Speed: 3.21

Totally Overate today: 2200 calories

Today is my birthday.  My sister came and took me out for lunch and we went for a disastrous trip to a craft store to buy beads for something to do.  I still felt bad.  Fell asleep in the chair waiting for her to make the 20 minute trek from her house to mine.  Arby's for lunch and my husband made "quesadillas" with some leftover pork loin.  I weighed out what he put in them, but I'm still trashed from this period that has come out of nowhere.  So, I went in to enter my calories and discovered the small breakfast I'd had to offset the Arby's trip did very little to offset the calories in the meat, cheese, and shells.  Later in the evening I knew I had to burn off something because Sunday was coming and I wasn't going to run or log calories on Sunday.

Run I
Interval: 4 minute
Time: 49 min
Distance: 2.4
Calories: 312
Average Speed: 2.93

Run II
Interval: 3 min
Time: 37 min
Distance: 1.84
Calories: 239
Average Speed: 2.98

Totals:
Time: 86
Distance: 4.24
Calories: 551
Average Speed: 2.81

Ready for a distance run in different from running a mile and a half for 15 minutes, but it sure would be nice to find a 20 year old to channel.

Today Is a Yuck Day

I went two months without a period.  Today is making up for it.  I am miserable with pain and feel exhausted.  I wanted to go out to eat.  I was too messed up to cook.   By the time my husband got home I was too messed up to go out.  Perhaps I should have sent him out.  At any rate, I did nothing but sit in front of the TV and sleep off and on.  Kind of worried about what I'm going to do if I have a day like this and I have a job.  Wow.  I really thought this kind of thing would be behind me by now.  Tomorrow is my 47th birthday.

Can't Help But Compare

OK.  I'll admit I have someone I watch in a jealous, and probably not healthy way.  I read her posts and see how much activity she's doing how her fitness is increasing--or not increasing.  I smile coyly when she laments a day without "exercise" or a week since she's been "to the gym."

Today she posted a her personal victory for the day:

1.5 miles in 15 minutes.

That one stung a little because it's too close to my goal of 7 miles in 70 minutes.  I pride myself in not being competitive, but I am the jealous type.  I sometimes want a do over.  I want to be single and in my twenties and thirties.  Eh, enough whining for today here are my stats.  Definitely no 6 minutes miles here.

Interval: 5 min
Time: 52
Distance: 2.5 miles
Calories: 300
Average Speed: 2.88
No P90X

Not even have the distance and the speed I need.  Bleck.

2727 Calories! Holy Smokes!

What a crazy day.  I ate out for lunch and dinner today  I couldn't seem to exercise enough to get rid of what I ate.  I did three rounds on 8, 7, & 6 minute intervals and barely chipped a hole in the calories I ate:

Run I
Interval: 8
Time: 70
Distance: 2.9
Calories: 377
Average Speed: 2.48 

Run II
Interval: 7
Time: 70
Distance: 3.12
Calories: 406
Average Speed: 2.67

Run III
Interval: 6
Time: 70
Distance: 3.35
Calories: 436
Average Speed:2.87

P90X Disc #1: 9 min
Ab Ripper: 10
Calories: 88

Totals:
Time: 210 minutes
Distance: 9.37 mile
Calories:  842
Average Speed:  2.67

1797 calories left over for the day.  Still an amazing 500 calories over for the day.  This is a prime example why some people can't lose weight.  Even if that was only 250 calories, say in a scenario that a person eats out every night, but still manages to do 9 miles in a day, that's a weight gain of something like two pounds a month.  The exact opposite of what I'm trying to do!  I really would like to lose 50 pounds before the Seven Mile Bridge Run in April.  I need to lose seven pounds a month from this point forward.  2800 calorie days are not the answer.

Taking A Chance

I decided to jump in and take a few chances.  Cut my running time down to 60 minutes and shorten my intervals to four minutes.  I didn't make the calorie burn I needed to make, so I returned a little later and did a short run just to make up the calorie and distance goal for the night.

Run I
Time: 48 minutes
Distance: 2.31
Calories: 300
P90X Disc: #11 9 minutes
Ab Ripper X: 10 minutes

Run II
Time: 22 minutes
Distance: 1.2
Calories: 156

Totals:
Time: 70 minutes
Distance: 3.51
Calories: 456

Average speed: 3 mph

3 mph is not was I was looking for in speed.  The problem is going back and starting over.  Doing the warm up and working back up to the jog/run needed to complete the goal distance/time.  Oh well.

A Disappointing Tidbit

I figured out today that all the "readers" on my blog have been automated.  Web domains designed to generate clicks.  No one is reading my blog.  I can take comfort in two ways.  Some of my posts over the years have gotten a little personal, too silly, or even cynical and angry.  Oh well, I suppose a corner of my mind would have liked for the 6,000-plus readers to have been human beings, but now I know there is no real person out there, it explains why no one has ever commented and I can rest a little easier about some of my over sharing.

True Career Changers

I am a what I call a "true" career changer.  Five years ago I had quit another crappy part-time job.  I'd been teaching private lessons out of my home for almost twenty years and couldn't bear another junk job.  What could I do?  The decision to go back to school was an easy one.  I wanted to finish my degree.  My son was graduated from high school and finding his way.  It was my turn.