Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

Today I realized someone I thought was a very good friend and I have drifted apart.  It's kind of sad because it wasn't anything either one of us did.  We were spending a lot of time together.  I really thought we were gonna make it.  We're not.  I know I sound like a teenager, but I'm really starving for a healthy friendship and I thought, well, as I already said, I thought we were gonna make it.

I found out today that she has gone back to doing something we used to do together with someone new.  I wish I could ask her if she quit to wait me out.  I wish I could ask her if she asked anyone if they'd seen me.  I hate facebook.  If I hadn't poked around and seen a post about it I probably would have gone on in ignorant bliss, but maybe it's for the better.  She was out of my league in so many ways.  She had a lot of money and a lot of friends.  She's popular in her close knit group.

Me?  I got nothin'.

Doctor, Doctor -- Whose Mouth Is It Anyway? -- Part 6

My deleted facebook post: 

"Wow.  I feel like I just stepped off the bus.  I had a minor procedure done at a different dentist a month ago.  He took MY money upfront and filed my insurance. OK.  When do I get a refund?  We mail it to you.  Really?  Whatever.  I wanted to reschedule the follow up when I had a dead battery.  She wanted to charge me $35 for rescheduling.  I told her if I'd known yesterday I was going to have a dead battery today, I certainly would have called yesterday.  She dropped the $35 and I cancelled the appointment.  I still haven't received my insurance refund which technically is MY money.  Is this the way it goes?  How much of our money is it legal for doctors to sit on?"

Doctor, Doctor -- Inusrance Money Whores and Sensitive Husbands -- Part 5

If I let someone dig around in my mouth for money that allegedly isn't even mine, who would be the whore, the pimp, and the trick?

This pretty much brings us up to date.  I stewed about this for a while and decided I would give my own dentist a courtesy call about the Periodontist A charging new patients whether they have insurance or not.  I told her it was my fault for not asking the right questions.  I took the blame for what happened to me.  I asked her about some of the charges that weren't covered when I had been told they would be.

I found out that I am only supposed to "see" the doctor one time a year.  Anything after that comes out of my pocket.  That's useful information.  After the fact.  She laughed when she told me.  Apparently Periodontist A "beat" them to the punch.  Oh, yeah, that is funny.

So anyway, I suggested the office prepare a handout for when they do a referral so the patient will know what to expect when going to another dentist.

I kind of felt better.  I'd done my good deed for the day.  Maybe they would do something like that for future patients and referrals.  I decided to tell my husband what I'd done.  As is always the case whenever we talk, he hurt my feelings again, for the millionth time.

He said, in so many words she hung up the phone and either ignored what I said or laughed/made fun of me to the other staff.  He's probably right.  I thought about that when I decided to call, but he didn't have to say it

Doctor, Doctor -- The Invisible Doctor -- Part 4

Well, the insurance statements began to roll in and it wasn't a pretty picture.  There were charges that weren't covered at all, and some were partially covered.  This side venture was beginning to cost me hundreds of dollars when I was assured everything was covered.  I was so angry.  They had told me it was covered on insurance.  I had always trusted them to steer me right and didn't question.  It was their jobs.  Shouldn't they know what they were doing?

This brings me to something I noticed on my bill with Periodontist A many years ago.  When I got to reception, I saw a charge for  a consultation by the big cheese himself, when I knew he was out of town because his children would not be at the weekly music lessons.  The family was going out of town.  I had also heard a nurse tell a patient that the doctor was not in the office "this week."  Yet, here, on my bill was a charge for a consultation.  This caused me to pause for a moment and wonder how many times he'd done this before.  I couldn't prove one way or the other because it would be his entire office against me.  I guessed he'd done that before.  Why not?  The patient doesn't care.  It's covered on Insurance.

I wonder how many patients the the "invisible doctor" saw that week?

The eBay Experiment

Well, a new month rolled around and I purposefully went in and posted exactly 50 items.  The first 50 items are supposed to be free.  They were.  I sold one item.  A pair of pants for $13.00.  We shall see what my fees are on that one item.  Overall, I am disappointed in the seller experience.  If I had advice to give it would be to study everything.  Read everything and figure up all your fees.  Don't forget PayPal gets a cut, and eBay gets an additional cut above and beyond whatever disclosed fees are stated at the time of posting.  If someone has made any significant money it has been at extremely high volume with an extremely low profit margin.

Doctor, Doctor -- A Man in My Mouth -- Part 2

A week later I go to the periodontist visit.  He swoops in shakes my hands and the creepy feeling starts.  Now here is the side note.  I taught his children piano for years.  His wife, also a dentist of some kind slept on my couch out of pure exhaustion while their children took their lessons.  Anyway, he says those things that are supposed to make me feel like he cares.  He's so sensitive.  I'm feeling guarded.  He looks and probes and I hear his stomach rumble.  I wonder if he's had lunch.  I flatter him with how gentle he is.  It's almost like a date.  My husband hasn't been this close to me in months.  There is a man I no longer care for in the slightest, in fact may even detest in my mouth.

Two things, there's a new test for bacteria.  I need to spit in a cup.  It's not covered on insurance, but it will help him know if there's any activity, rush, rush, rush, professional . . .

$150  cha chang

Ok.  I agree, I'm on the verge of tears.  I keep rolling my eyes and blinking.

Finally, it's over.  I get to the desk and I have to figure out a way to pay a 200-plus dollar visit.  Apparently, they don't take insurance from initial patients.  It doesn't matter I went to this doctor every three or four months for ten years.  I'm about to cry, so I'm desperately looking for my credit card, accidentally pull out my debit card, she swipes it and I'm on my way.

The next time I open my wallet I see my debit card in a strange place.  That's when I realize I just paid cash for the visit.

Cumbersome and Coming to a Decision

I suppose this could be Part 4 of Deal Breaker and a Coin Show . . .

I started this entry before my husband hurt me so badly.  It's funny to look at it and know what happened.

"You know I heard the song Cumbersome for the first time the other day in light of my decaying relationship with my husband and I see a lot of parallels.  Most of our interaction is him trying to get me out of his hair.  Appeasing me so I will move on to something else while he does whatever he wants.

After we had the worst month we've had in a very long time, he's going to a coin show tomorrow.  I cancelled dinner plans with friends several times this month because of our finances.  The last time I turned down an invitation I did it in front of him.  I told my friend that we were going to have to watch our pennies closely until I can find a job.  We were limited our activities to save money.

So, he's going to this coin show.  He will buy . . ."

We did not have enough money to buy toilet paper this month.  I used washcloths.  I prayed my period didn't come because I am out of tampons.  I have endometriosis and fibroids.  I have to use a tampon and pads to control accidents.  I canceled a doctor's appointment because the procedure did not cover $45 of the $95.

I have figured out he wants me out of his hair so he can do whatever he wants and not be questioned.  I am the reason he doesn't get to do whatever he wants.  Tonight I have decided we need a separation.  There are things he needs to learn.  As long as I am the one teaching him he will resent me.  He can't learn  and have me not pay the consequences.

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 3

His family came over and brought him a gift from their trip.  I had wanted my sister-in-law to bring him a shirt or hat with the logo of the new team form his hometown, but they weren't available, yet, so she brought him a college hat from one of the teams he follows.  I was in my room sewing when they came.  I knew they had been there because I saw the hat.  He didn't let me know they were here.  I didn't hear them.

He tapped on the door a few hours later and told me he was going to bed to read, was there anything he could get for me.  I wanted to explode!  I thought.  REALLY?!  Is there anything you can get for me?!  I told him I was fine, goodnight.

I later asked him if he knew that she tried to get the new team stuff.  He started to tell me what she had tried to do, I interrupted him and told him I knew because I was the one that had told her to.  My voice cracked, "I was thinking of you." I was crying again.  He would not see me cry.


Going to bed without saying anything shows me he doesn't seem interested in helping me understand what happened today.  He thinks it's OK and he's not sorry, so I will need to work this one out on my own.  I will need to work it through and store away my answer for the future.  I'd like to know when he was going to tell me he spent the money on coins.  I tell him everything.  I show him what I spend money on.  I don't sneak.  I'm so afraid that when I get done thinking this through it's going to be the deal breaker. 

I began to mistrust him.  I looked at the credit card statement and found that he's been going out to eat without telling me.  My heart is broken.  I'm sick.  I had worked through leaving him and decided I wanted to stay with him and change.  I wanted to change.  I wanted to be a better person.  If he wasn't going to change, I could change.  I did.  I got happy.  I got strong.  I worked it through.  I didn't leave him.  I wanted to stay.  No my heart is broken again by his sneakiness.

I hate sneakiness.  I hate lying.  His father was a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator.  I hated his father.  This may be the deal breaker.

Six Minutes -- Day 6

I came across a post from last month.  I was having a hard time so I let myself off the hook for three day.  I increased my speed until my mind told me it was tired and I stopped.  I walked it out and let it go.  It took three days to get over that hump.  Four days later, I was smashin' it and finished  the seven day promise.  That's what I'm doing here.  It took two days this time.  I had a day of 30 minutes and just plain quitting and sitting and crying about it, then I had a second day of making it to 39 minutes before I walked it out.  It took me two hours and ten minutes to get my 700 calories yesterday.  Today, I was back on track.  I could feel it when I got to the 42 minutes I promised myself.  I told myself just 42 minutes.  Three more minutes than  yesterday.  When I got to the 42 minute mark I decided to go to the incline mark.  Well, that was all I needed.  I was half way done with the workout so I stuck with it and went the full 90.

Weight: 171.6 Three more pounds and I am down to my Dirty Foot Race weight

Duration: 90
Run time: 70
Incline: 47/level
Calories 540
Distance: 4.16
Average speed: 2.77

It took me 116 minutes to get to 700 calories.  No huge feat but it represent five days of 700 calories.  ONE POUND burned! 

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 2

This is Part 2.  For part 1 go back one day.

I asked him if he thought that was OK to spend money on coins with our account overdrawn $459.  He said he didn't know it was that much.  I said it doesn't matter.  We are short every pay period.  He asked me what I wanted him to say.  I told him I wanted him to say "Yes, I do."  So he said it,

"Yes, I do."

My heart stopped.  Right then and there, my heart stopped.  My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe, I felt tears pushing up behind my eyes, I was sick, my throat closed.  I couldn't swallow.  I said nothing.  I walked away from him and went to my room to sew.  I cried in my room until I couldn't cry any more.  I sang along with the radio and kept my mind busy cutting out a pattern.

A few weeks ago he said that people get angry and scream or shout to get a response out of someone else, when they don't get that response, they will either get louder or stop.  I asked him if that was what he really believed.  People can't be angry for a good reason?  Nope.  Apparently, people only get angry to get a response out of someone else and when they don't get it, they stop.

Wow, you will never see me angry, you small, small, man.  Over my dead body.

Six Minutes - Day 5

Probably shouldn't have posted anything from yesterday or today.  These were give up days.

Duration: 90
Run Time: 39
Incline: 46/Level
Distance: 3.53
Calories: 460
Average speed: 2.53 embarassing


It took me 132 minutes to get to 700 calories, but I did it.  I am down a pound since yesterday.

Deal Breaker and a Coin Show Part 1

I took a message for my husband, President of the Coin Club.  One of the club members wanted to ride with the group going to a show.  Hmmm.  This interested me as I had not heard or seen anything about it from my husband.  Now it was hanging out there.  I knew he could not go to this show without spending money.  I reminded him we were overdrawn.  I didn't say anything more.  He was defensive.  He said, "I know I've seen the e-mails."  I dropped it.  I'm not his mother.  I wanted to see what he would do.  He knows we do not have enough money for anything out of the ordinary.

I also knew that he'd made money working for an elderly couple and I had yet to see it in the form of cash or a check or a deposit.  I knew he was walking around with it. He didn't say anything, but he slipped up about getting money from them. 

Well, you know how I am always commenting here on how much money we don't have?  This Friday we slid into the payday $459 in the hole.  Yep.  $459 dollars overdrawn.  In the past I would have erased the e-mails as they came in because I wanted to protect my husband from the truth, but my new commitment to not protecting him from reality meant that I had to leave those e-mails about our account being overdrawn right where they were.

He said nothing about the money I knew he had.  He left for the coin show with all his buddies.  I knew he would spend money with all the effort I was making to keep us floating until I could get a job.  Shameful, embarrassing things I won't discuss here.

He came home I asked him if he had fun.  He said yes and told me some stories.  No talk of the coins I knew he bought.  I managed to get out of him he went to breakfast and dinner as well as bought the driver dinner.  Finally, several hours later, I asked him if he saw any coins that he couldn't live without.  At first I didn't believe he bought coins.  I thought he meant that he had seen coins he really would have liked to have.  I really, really, really, really, didn't think he'd be foolish enough to buy coins with the money he'd made on the side.

He did.  

Doctor, Doctor -- A Lesson in You Can Never Be Me -- Prt. 1

Lately, when I see an advertisement with patients gushing about how important their doctors make them feel, I want to throw up.  I become physically ill.  Here's the sign I'm holding up:

WAKE UP, IT'S NOT YOU THEY CARE ABOUT, IT'S YOUR INSURANCE MONEY!

I don't have a doctor, but I do have a dentist.  Due to some genetic problems (which after this last month I'm beginning to question) with my teeth I have to go to the dentist every three months.  On my last visit the hygienist was alarmed at an alleged increase in some of the pockets around my teeth.  I wasn't too worried, I'd been through this before.  They stick that probe into the gum beside every single one of my teeth in three places on each side.  That's six times for those of you not keeping track.  They find something to focus on and want to swoop in with the cavalry.  Well, it happened again, except this time it was a financial disaster.  Ended up costing me hundreds of dollars I don't have.

The hygienist decided she needed a second opinion.  Here comes the doctor.  He wants me to go back to the periodontist that I left for trying to do the very thing I'm about to fall victim to once again.  I'm tired.  I'm beat down from school.  He wants me to go to the periodontist.  I tell them I can't do it unless it's covered.  They scramble to make some phone calls and everything is "covered."  The catch is I need a new set of x-rays.  I have a lunch appointment, I so I go can come back.  The doctor comes in again and asks me yet again if I want to go to the periodontist.  My dentist is concerned about my teeth.  I agree to go for the second time.

Six Minutes - Day 4 - Ho Hum

This was one of those set my goal, achieve it and go on.  My energy just wasn't there to push like I would have liked.  I made it one minute longer--or further--however one wants to think of it.  I made it and quit.

Duration: 90
Run Time: 70
Calories: 523
Distance: 4.03
Incline: 43/level
Average speed: 2.68

700 calorie mark: 117 minutes

Six Minutes Day 3 - What is wrong?

I didn't include yesterday that I had decided on a 700 calorie goal this week.  700 calories or 90 minutes whatever comes last.  I probably didn't include it because I was so tired.  Here's my so-called progress for the day.

Duration: 90
Run Time: 68
Distance: 4.17
Calories: 544
Incline: 42/level
Average speed: 2.78

Time to 700 calories: 114 minutes.  That pretty good yesterday was 121.  I feel like my legs a glued to the treadmill.

Six Minutes Day 2 - Haven't Run in Seven Days

This has been the last week of a very tough class.  I've spent a lot of time working on papers and trying to keep my head above water.  I did find time to run today, so here are my stats.  This was the second night to do six minute intervals.  It didn't go so well.  I'm thinking it is because I haven't run in a week.

Duration: 90
Run Time: 68
Calories: ??
Incline: 41/level
Distance:3.78
Average speed: 2.78 mph

Not very good.  I've been having some discomfort in my chest.  I know it's not a heart attack, it's probably stress.  Stress?  Who has stress?

Blue Valentine

Finally finished Blue Valentine with Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams.  What an interesting movie.  One of those movies that leaves the viewer waiting for a resolution that is never going to come.  Sorry for the spoiler, but this is a true to life movie.  The main characters don't figure it out.  There is no happy or sad ending, it's just a glimpse into what we already know.  Maybe that's why the movie didn't rise to the top of the pack.  It never was a feel good or a feel bad movie, it was a movie that made us look at ourselves, not in a different way, the way we're supposed to.  I liked it.  I liked the sense of loss I felt for the characters and for the situation.  No gloom and doom, just a big fat jagged little pill dose of true reality.

First Day of Six Minute Intervals

Maybe it was the newness, but I made it to 78 minutes the first night of this new workout.  I walked it out to the 600 calories.  I was surprised I made it as long as I did.  As it was I probably could have made it further, but I made it to my goal for the first night, so I let it go.

Duration: 78/90
Interval: 6
Distance: 4.17
Incline: 32/level
Calories: 543
Average Speed: 2.78

Last Night

Well, I made it.  I promised myself seven days of seven intervals and I did it.  I missed some days, should have been done two days ago, but I made it.  Tomorrow starts six minute intervals.  My goal is to work up to the 90 minute workout then complete it seven days in a row.  This is amazing on July 1 I will start a new workout.  I wonder how long it will take me to build up?  I excited!

Duration: 94/90
Interval: 7
incline: 30/level
Calories: 600
Distance:4.61
Average Speed: 3.07

Not as eventful a run as last time.  I did, however, run for two minutes at 5 mph at the end of the workout.  I had already jogged for about a half hour and I clicked it up one more notch and ran 5.1 mph for two minutes.  The plan for tomorrow is to make it 78 minutes.

One More Day

I can't believe I wasn't going to run tonight.  I got done with my homework very late and decided, what the heck?  I ran after midnight!  I was just going to take it easy and walk the 600 calories if needed.  I ended up having the best night since I started back after the injury.  Look at these impressive stats.

Duration: 90
Interval: 7
Incline: 20/level
Distance: 4.72
Calories: 615
Average Speed:  3.15 mph

Not sure what was going on there.  I ran for a full minute without holding on at 5.2 mph, then walked it out for about five minutes and ended up with 4.8+ miles at 95 minutes!  Best thing I can figure is I might have accidentally gone up two clicks at some point instead of one.  Just shows I can do it.

The disclaimer is I was worn out early in the workout so I had to hold on a little, but comparatively speaking I might have held on for maybe six to eight minutes of the full 90 minutes.  One more day and I am ready to graduate to SIX MINUTES!!