New Record

I made it 81 minutes using the six minute intervals!  This is better than anything I did before I messed up my knees.  I was determined.  I stayed with it and made a new record for myself.  I walked out the last nine minutes in two intervals up to 84 then up to 90.  I feel encouraged and strong.

Duration: 81/90
Intervals: 6
Incline:11/level
Calories: 528
Miles: 4.05
Average Speed: 3

Runaway

I thought about something really frustrating.  So far, and I'm sure it's low because I probably didn't catch all the fees, I have spend $68.75 on "advertising" that I have not gotten paid back for by selling the item.  What if that item never sells?  What if I wanted to walk away from the whole thing tomorrow?  I am out $68.75.  I have probably spent $300 dollars advertising for the catamarans.  All my profits from eBay sales have gone into selling those boats.  I am so angry for ever buying it and thinking my husband would do something with me I wanted to do.  I'm not just angry.  I'm the kind of angry that makes a person ill.  Physically ill.  I don't know what to do.  I really, really don't know what to do.  I frustrated, I'm tired, there's never enough money.  No matter how many times I leave the lights off, turn the air conditioner up, don't flush the toilet, skip meals, don't shower, stay home, scrimp, save, do without.  Oh my God.  I just want to run away.  I want to run out the door and never, never come back.  I want to run and run and run and run away never looking back.

I guess I thought selling my stuff on eBay was the answer the way it is for other people.  Maybe I'd make a couple bucks.  Not when you spend it all on advertising a boat.  I feel like throwing up.  The problem with all of this is I've got nothing left.  I'm dried up.  There's nothing there.  I'm done.  There's no relief from the constant pressure of there not being enough.  I want out.  I want it to be over.  I don't care.

Trilogy, Breakfast Out, and Pouting Babies

Tonight I did my situps, squats, and pushups only.  40 each!  My skin is burning a little where my butt bone is, I guess that means I shouldn't have tried to do so many with my yoga pad.  I had to break the pushups into four sets of 10.  That felt a little like quitting, but at least I did them.

Today I went with what I wanted to do and went out to breakfast with friends instead of going with my husband where he wanted to go.  I think he was still mad about it something like eight hours later.  At least I think that's what he was angry about.  He sulked and sulked the whole afternoon.  I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he was made about like I always do when I know he's angry.  I tell him I'm only going to ask him once to tell me if he's angry or what he's angry about.  When he refuses, I move on.  We're not babies.  If he wants to sulk and be angry, fine with me.  If he wants to talk about it and get it out in the open and work it out, I'm up for that to.  I went on about my evening.  Let him be whatever he said he wasn't.

I would like to know what his parents did with him when he got in these sulky baby moods.  Did they cater to him?  I'm not going to do it.

72 Mintues on 6 Intervals

It is finally starting to look like the old days.  I forgot to do my trilogy--situps, squats, and pushups.  However, I made it 72 minutes on the 6 minutes intervals.  That's exactly what I did the first time on 6 on May 2, that means I am five weeks behind in my workout.

Duration: 72/90
Interval: 6
Incline: 8/level
Distance: 3.42
Calories: 445
Average Speed: 2.85

It was a bit of a set back to only make it 3.42 miles.  The six minute intervals get fast very--well, fast.  I was running over 4.5 mph before I dropped out and walked.  Still a good run overall.  Tomorrow is Sunday, I will take a break and see what Monday holds.

Better Night for Running

I made it t he full 90 minutes tonight using the seven minute intervals.  I was starting to feel it in my knees but I was able to push through.  Hopefully I will not feel it tomorrow.

Duration: 90
Intervals: 7
Incline: 7/level
Calories: 580
Miles: 4.45
Average Speed: 2.97 mph

Four Pounds Down This Week

173.2 

Woo Hoo!  I was so glad after having such a crappy night last night I am three pounds down.  I've got five more to go until I am back where I was when I ran my last race.  I did not run tonight as I predicted.  I also did not do the situps, pushups, and squats.  I had time this morning, but chose not to.  That is not the way to get stronger.  I stopped at Wendy's on the way out of town.  That usually means my weight will not be good in the morning.

My son is here.  He has been working out and has some great new suggestions for me for changing up my exercise routines.

One Hour Photo

I don't know why I liked this movie.  Even better, I don't know why I was willing to sit through this for two hours on TV--complete with commercials.  Perhaps it was because I was sitting in my living room with my laptop on my lap trying to find images of the Yorkin family house during the commercials.  Somehow I liked this movie.  I don't want to spoil this movie for anyone, but it's a perfect rainy mid-week afternoon thriller.  For a reason I can't get in touch with, I give this movie two thumbs up.  Find it and watch it.  Just don't expect to feel anything but a sense of inner loss for some of the deep inner truths it reveals about families and spouses.

Not a Good Night--or Day for that Matter

I made it 77 minutes before I gave up.  I wasn't tired physically.  I probably could have made it the full 90 minutes.  My mind is tired and it makes me tired.

35 situps, pushups and squats

Weight: 174.2

Duration: 77/90
Interval: 13/7
Incline: 4/level
Calories: 488
Distance: 3.75

I have to pick my son up from the airport tomorrow.  Four hours round trip.  I can already predict there will be no exercises

Taking the Cake

This takes the cake.  I got a very helpful e-mail from someone I sold a shirt to on eBay.  She had some helpful  advice.  1st Class Package.  Anything up to 13 ounces ships for next to nothing.   Well, not literally next to nothing, but two and three dollars compared to $5.50.  I did a little approximation and that little mistake probably cost me NO LESS than $60 just on the clothes I've sold.

I've been choosing Parcel Post and Priority Mail.  So there's my tip of the century.  If you have something light to ship, make sure you check out:

1st Class Package for 13 ounces and less.  The combined circumference of the package has to be 84 inches or less.

Back in the Swing: 4 miles tonight!

Well, it looks like I've broken through.  I had a little discomfort in my knees about an hour into the workout, but it seemed to go away with a little self talk.

Weight: 174.2

Duration: 90
Interval: 12/8
Incline: 3/level
Calories: 536
Calories for seven days: 2837
Distance: 4.12
Average Speed: 2.74

My posts may get a little boring for a while as I focus on just getting faster and going further.

I Was Nervous But I Made It

Tonight went well.  I was scared I might be pushing too hard too soon.  Doesn't seem like it.  I don't know if I need to change the battery in my treadmill or not.  Seems to be fairly accurate to what I did last night.  I guess I'll give it another chance.  Started to run enough tonight that some sweat popped out on my face and it felt good.  I did not do pushup, situps or squats today or yesterday.  Should have been at 33, so tomorrow starts with 34.  Awesome.

I am almost burning the 3500 calories a week that were my first goal.  5250 is my medium goal.    I'm actually looking for 7000 a week, but we'll have to wait for that for when I get into the five mile per hour range.  I'll register for the race when I can run the seven miles in 90 minutes, but my overall goal is going to be 70 minutes.  That's seven 10 minute miles for those of you that aren't real good at math.  Quite a lofty aspiration, but I've got until April 2014.  By then I just may have nothing to prove and won't need to run the bridge.

Weight: 174.6

Duration: 90
Interval: 9/9
Incline: 2/Level
Calories: 491
Distance: 3.78
Average Speed: 2.52

This is the halfway point.  Not turning back now.

I'm supposed to be starting back at the gym tomorrow but we seemed to have spent my money.  I'm disappointed.

A Little Less Angry

I went back to my bank statements and discovered where I had made the transfers and where they had taken out my fees.  I'm still a little frustrated that it's so difficult.  I need to get out a calculator and figure up what I think is my profit based on that.  Wouldn't that be the true proof.  Here are your expenses, here is your income.  I should be somewhere around $340 according my painstaking record keeping, but I don't think it's going to turn out to be that much.  However, it may be more than $40 I thought yesterday.  I'm not going to be un-disappointed because I even figured in the packaging when I made up my figures.  I have to be missing something.

Who Should I Be Angry At?

Two or three months ago I started selling my stuff on eBay.  I thought it would be a way to make a little money to help out our shortfall.  What a crock.   I'm so frustrated today I can't see straight.   I transferred a whopping $160 from my paypal account--just like last month.  Left $40 in there for this months postings.  Today my fees from eBay were $150.  WTH.

.30 to eBay
.30 to PayPal
.029% to PayPal
.09 % to eBay
Shipping
Packaging
Stupid people that don't read descriptions and look at photos

I still can't tell if I'm making money!  I have watched over each sale like a hawk making sure I keep a cushion and the more I look at it, at best, I think I'm breaking pretty close to even.  It's a lot of work for what looks like $40 for the last three months.  I can't find ANYwhere on eBay that tells me this is what your profits are.  Totally disappointed right now.  I thought this would be a way to make a little money.  However, once I'm not tied to eBay with all their little nit picking fees, I'm totally thinking about not doing business with eBay as a seller or a buyer.  Grrr.

I Ran! I Ran!

Tonight I ran, or rather, jogged about a mile or so.  If it was more, it wasn't much.  In my mind I had my fingers crossed.  It felt scary because I didn't know if I was trying to do too much too soon.  Well, that was about five minutes ago.  I don't feel any tightness creeping in.  No soreness or extra sloppiness.  Maybe this is it?  If my knees are sore in the morning I will know it was to soon.

Weight: 174.6  -2 lbs.

Duration: 90
Interval: 6/10
Incline: 1/level
Calories: 461?
Distance: 3.54?
Average Speed: 2.36 mph?

I put question marks on the last three because this seems like a big jump from last night.  80 more calories and more than a half mile further.  Maybe I need to change the battery.  I know that when the battery is weak, it gives out strange readings.  If it is right, it means I am almost half way there.  I need seven miles and at least  5 mph.

Almost to Three

I decided to "run" (chuckle,chuckle) during the day today.  Tomorrow will probably include a short run because this one ended just one click below the speed that I like to start jogging.  I'm a little nervous, but I think it will be OK.  I've been increased my speed by five minutes each day.  I think beginning tomorrow I am going to return to the one increases.  I'm scared it's too soon.

Duration: 90
Intervals: 6/15 min
Incline: level
Calories: 383
Distance: 2.95
Average Speed: 1.99

I read today that the Marathon Runner's Club sets a deadline to receive self addressed stamped envelopes.  The Club returns applications in the self-addressed envelopes, the first 1500 to arrive at the Club are the ones chosen to run.

No Braces Tonight

Today was the first day I didn't spend thinking about how to place my knee or how to extend my leg.  I wonder if it's some kind of coincidence that it's exactly a week since I started the Osteo Bi-flex?  It has also been one week since I went to the gym.  Maybe the combination of the supplements and resting the knees a little is the combination that has helped or maybe it's just time for it to get better.

Weight: 176.6

Duration: 90
Intervals: 5/20
Incline: level
Calories: 344
Distance: 2.65
Average speed:  1.77

Making Progress--Still sloppy, no pain

I thought this would be a little farther tonight than just the 2.45, but I just have to keep in mind I was injured and getting better takes time anyway.  Add to that the age and weight.  I just need time.  I wore the braces for the walk.  Tonight I am adding another element to the report.  I've gained nine pounds since the last race, so have decided to cut back on anything extra for a while and see if I can get my habit of healthy eating back on track.  I'm a half pound down from yesterday, but I tend to make fun of people that count half pounds because my weight can fluctuate three pounds in one day due to hormones.  I usually only rejoice when I see several days of consistent loss or a total of five pounds or more.  So, an addition here is going to be my weight when I remember to weigh.

Weight: 177.6

Duration: 90
Interval: 4/25
Incline: level
Calories: 318
Distance: 2.45
Average Speed: 1.63 mph

First Workout Since Trip South

Even though I got two bike rides in while I was gone, I was anxious to get back to working on my "running" which is funny to say right now because I'm just walking and tonight I feel like my thighs weigh 100 pounds each.  It's good to be home, however and enjoy my own bed.

Duration: 90
Interval: 3/30
Incline: level
Calories: 304
Distance: 2.34
Average Speed: 1.56 mph

Heard From My Son

My son called this afternoon.  It was good to hear his voice and get caught up on what he's been up to.  He's a little bummed with his injury, but he's well taken care of and should be back on his feet in a few months.  I miss him, but know he's where he wants to be.

Enjoyed a cook out at my sister's house.  Her son cooked burgers and hotdogs on the grill and we ate on her deck/porch under a big umbrella.  It was fun just enjoying the breezy afternoon.

I also went on a fun bike ride with my brother-in-law around "old" Tavernier and on up to Harry Harris park.  On the way back it rained like buckets were being dumped on us.  I thought we'd make it back without being completely soaked through to my skin, but that hope died as we went over the bridge.  It was still fun going with him and getting to do a little sightseeing before the rain came.

Key Largo Sunset

Got to Key Largo tonight at 9:30 pm, so that's a little of an exaggeration about the sunset.  We actually saw the sunset near Pembroke Pines.  I've got a really bad headache I hope will not plague me all weekend like these things tend to do.  Looking forward to getting out tomorrow.

Last Walk Before Holiday Weekend

We are leaving for a trip to Key Largo tomorrow so I wanted to be sure to get my walk in tonight.  Tried it without the braces, and it was kind of uncomfortable.  Perhaps I'm more attune to the little aches, pangs, and pains.  Not sure.

23 Situps and push ups

Duration: 90
Interval: 55
Incline: level
Calories: 270
Distance: 2.07
Average Speed: 1.38

We're taking the bikes.  I hope to get an idea how I am doing when I ride.

This was an uneventful evening.  Discomfort in the knees is getting better everyday.  Started Osteo- BiFlex after reading a few reviews.  There was nothing medically conclusive, but it can't hurt.

22 situps and pushups

Duration: 90
Interval: 60
Incline: level
Calories 281
Distance: 2.16
Average Speed: 1.44

Day five--Walking, walking, walking

Still walking on the treadmill.  However, I am back running short distances at the gym and did some squats.  That feel like more progress.  I have forgotten to keep posting about the number of situps and pushups I am doing.  I am up to 21 of each.  I'm having a lot of trouble making it to the 21st one without taking a break.  We'll see if I can make it to 22 tomorrow.  I was hoping my gut would start to show, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything.  However, I can pull in my "stomach" without peeing in my pants or holding my breath, so that is a good thing.

Duration: 90
Interval: 65
Incline: level
Calories: 293
Distance: 2.25
Average Speed: 1.5 mph

Day Four--Walking, Walking, Walking

Oh my goodness.  I am so bored of walking.  My knees are starting to feel better.  I ran a little at the gym today.  Still not ready to start running on the treadmill, so I'm still walking.  No incline stuff, either.  My mind wanders a lot with the walking, but I try to pay attention to how my feet are falling and how my knees are tracking to stop anything that may be going wrong before I get back to stressing my legs.

Duration: 90
Interval: 70
Incline: level
Calories 266
Distance: 2.06
Average Speed: 1.37

A Little Better

I can tell I'm not quite ready to run long distance, yet.  The braces help a lot.  Walking, walking, walking.  I want to be running and training, so it's got me a little bummed.  Here are tonight's figures.

Duration: 90 minutes
Interval: 75
Incline: level
Calories: 278
Distance: 2.12
Average Speed: 1.41

Second Day Back to Treadmill

I was going to increase my time by one minute each time I walked.  For example:  Two days ago, I walked for 90 minutes at the slowest speed the treadmill would go.  Yesterday day I was going to walk for 89 minutes and then add one click to the last minute.  That seemed a little over kill, so I have decided to do it at five minute intervals.  I didn't go as far, so of course I didn't burn as many calories, but I walked 80 minutes at the slowest speed and then increased it for the last 10 minutes.

Interval: 80
Duration: 90
Incline: level
Calories: 259
Distance: 1.99
Average Speed: 1.32 mph

I did less tonight, but that's OK.  I'm trying to get better.

Trying to Get Back To Training

Well, tonight I tried the treadmill for the first time since I did whatever I did to my knees.  They are still very sloppy.  I'm trying to get back to training more seriously for the 7 Mile Bridge Run.  I need to be off the bridge in 90 minutes, so the original plan was to be able to do 7.5 miles in 90 minutes.  That's a pace of about five miles an hour.  Right now it hurts to walk past an easy pace, so that's what I did today:

Duration: 90 minutes
Incline: none
Calories: 278
Distance: 2.12 miles
Average Speed: 1.41 mph

I bought light support FUTURO knee braces from CVS.  They were buy one get one half off.  I bought the size that fits about 15" - 17"  I have a 15 inch knee, but muscular thighs, so I look bound up in them.  These FUTURO braces ended up being the best deal of all of the ones that didn't make me look like I'd been in an accident.  I just wanted something flesh colored to hold in my messed up knees a little.

I didn't Go Back to Bed Yesterday

I was started that way.  I ended up going and buying Salmon, Cod, a papaya and plants.  A friend of mine called and told me the Lowe's had a bunch of plants that weren't doing so good discounted 50% off.  I was lucky enough to find a sad little bunch of refugees that are now on my back porch looking thankful.  A couple of Begonias, Dracaena, two Philodendron type plants I have always wanted in the big houseplant size but were always too expensive.  The size I could afford just didn't seem like a good deal to buy a plant in a three inch pot that was five dollars.  Well, these thirty little fellas were two-fifty.  One of the begonias was only 85 cents.  I also bought a bamboo palm that was way too expensive next to my dollar plants.  I broke the bamboo palm into pieces and planted it in a shady part of the back yard because they don't like sun at all.  Oh yeah, the Buddleia I got for something like two-fifty, went in the ground near some plumbago under the edge of the eaves of the house  I planted one in front of where we put our garbage cans by the side door in hopes of it growing and blocking the view of the garbage cans.  We'll see if my husband doesn't like where it is tomorrow when the sun is up.  He was at a meeting until well after dark today.

Don't Want To Do Anything Today

I think laziness on Tuesday may have become a habit.  Last night I went to bed sure that I would wake up and do a bunch of stuff like cleaning, sewing, and then go to the gym to see if I was ready to start recovering from whatever I did to myself last week.  Now I just want to go back to bed.  I got my eight.  Granted they were an interrupted eight.

Anyway.  I'm thinking about restarting my day and going back to bed for an hour.  So thankful that I have that privilege.  If I go back to bed I have to promise myself to get up and get busy for the next three hours doing something productive.  I don't know.  Nothing is really wrong, just seems like nothing is really right.  Going through the motions is so exhausting.    

Wondering If I have an Injury - Day 4

Well, this is day four without exercise other than situps and pushups.  I'm up to 13 of each, if that's any good news.  Totally frustrated with my knees.  They don't hurt, they are just really, really uncomfortable.  I tried ice on them this evening for a little while.  I don't think it helped.  I've started looking into some nutrition for the joints.  Finding out things like salmon, almonds, broccoli, kale, and papaya are good for healthy joints.  Seriously considering a joint healthy diet for 60 days to see if it makes a difference.  The jury may be out on Glucosamine and Chondroitin.  So many conflicting reviews and articles I can't even begin to attach a link to anything I trust.  Very frustrated tonight.  I haven't run or trained since Thursday.

Shopping Day -- Bad Idea

Well, decided to go to the flea market this morning.  What a mess.  My knees weren't hurting--as usual--but the throbbing.  Jeez.  We ended up walking plant nurseries while we were out.  I finally succumbed to the discomfort and requested we call it a day.  I went home and sat in a chair with a heating pad on my knees.  It's so weird because they don't hurt, but good grief they are uncomfortable.

Back to School -- No Job

The school called me by late morning to let me know that I did not get the job.  The good news however, was that they wanted me to know that I had done a great job in the interview and recommended that I apply for some positions that would be opening up in my area.  It's possible that this means the school district may have received some new funding for the coming school year.  I was told that they had done away with each school having its own IT person, and had gone to centralized IT support from the school board, while now I am hearing that they are hiring in this field.  I hope this is true.  This gives me a fresh opportunity.  Woo Hoo!

Limiting Activity -- Knees No Better

So angry right now.  My knees feel like they are a mess.  Stiff.  Tight.  I'm hobbling around like an old person.  Still doing a little reading on the Baker's Cysts and wondering if I've aggravated something in that area and may just need to take a break and rest a little.  Did 10 pushups and situps.  Trying to do those first thing in the morning.  Finding the front of my knees to be a little sensitive as well. 

Back To School - First Interview!

This morning was my first interview for my new career in IT.  It was with our local school system at a school about 45 minutes away.  It was definitely a positive experience.  I learned a lot about what I need to know and what they want to know--if that makes sense.  It was a panel of five.  The principal, the assistant principal, the CIO for the county, an MIS Technician V, and the Technology Educator.  The principal handing everyone a worksheet with questions on it.  She worked her way through the questions.  I felt comfortable and wasn't too nervous.  Perhaps because I was pretty sure they would find someone closer they liked better?  They are supposed to call me tomorrow afternoon to let me know if I got the job.

Super Tight Knees - No Running for Me

Went to the gym tonight and favored my knees.  They are so tight.  I walked the warmup and cool down laps.  I can't straighten my leg or pull my toes up.  Tried to not put my full weight on the right one.  It seems to be the one bothering me the most.  Luckily, the workout was mostly upper body.  I did some of the squats hoping it would stretch the area that was tight.  Sure hope I'm not doing a bad thing by going on with my activity.  Saw something online about Baker's Cysts.  Uggh.

Nine Minute Intervals - Sloppy Knees?

Tonight my knees are kind of bugging me, they're sloppy.  Kind of feel like they may fall out of place at any moment.  I looked this up and found out there is such a thing as "loose knees" or joints.  I came home from the gym and rested for a few hours before I got on the treadmill.  It was incline night.  Time to tackle the nine minute interval.  I made it 54 minutes.  My knees felt like they were going to fall apart.  When I went to an even treadmill for the last six minutes, it felt a lot less uncomfortable.  Now my knees feel like they are wrapped by giant rubber band.  Super tight and stiff.  Got to look up what might be going on here.  Starting to wonder if I might be overtraining a little.  Just a little.

Nine Minute Intervals -- Disaster -- Bad Day

Well, this was a horrible night.  I only made it 30 minutes and just quit altogether.  Disappointed in myself and my desire, but I also took two Benadryl in hopes of it helping relieve a sinus headache that's been plaguing me.  I think that drained me and in the end really didn't help my headache.

Back to School -- Interview Scheduled

Last week, I put in an online application for MIS Technician I with the school district.  I forgot to write something here about it.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't get it because I'd applied for similar positions before and didn't even get a call or even a courtesy e-mail.  I take that back. I got one courtesy e-mail.  I didn't fit the "interview criteria."  Perhaps I'll take the time to expound on that in the future, but suffice it to say, I did everything I was supposed to do to get that job.  Well, this morning, the phone rang.  I saw that it was from the city I had put in to work.  My pulse quickened and when she introduced herself as calling from the school I'd applied to I got so excited it was difficult to keep my voice from squeaking.  So the big day is Thursday at 10:00.  I'll be sure to post something here when I get home.

10 Minute Intervals -- Day Three -- 667 Calories

Third time is the charm.  Full Incline.  I made the full 90 minutes jogging the last ten minutes--uphill!  So very excited.  This means the next time, the intervals decrease to nine.

10 Minute Intervals -- Day Two

I made it to 86 minutes tonight!  Returned to level incline to finish out the 90 minutes.  It's working, It's working!

Separating Finances

I've decided that if and when I get a job, I'd like to separate our finances.  This is not to say that I will not take the responsibility for paying back my loan.  I will take full responsibility.  However, I'd really like to try splitting up the finances.  Give my husband an opportunity to feel what it feels like to have a little freedom with his money.  Waste it.  Blow it.  Save it.

I think it would be a good experience for him so see.  I've done some research online and found some websites that give some pointers on how to divide up the expenses.  I'm a fan of percentages.  If my percentage of the income is 40%, then I pay 40% of the expenses.  I thought about stuff like groceries and gas.  When one person pays for something, then the other one has to reimburse the other one for the percentage.  I think it would be easier to have our own cars, but that may not happen right away.  I'm really thinking pretty seriously about it.

The last full time job I had I was very close to it when I resented yet another thing of mine being sold to meet expenses.  This time is was another car.  Yes.  I'd had another car of mine sold, and a scooter.  All cash I never saw yet disappeared.

10 Minute Intervals - I Was Right

I was right.  At 80 minutes I was running uphill!  I made it three minutes.  Much farther than I expected.  At 83 minutes I leveled the incline and finished the workout.  This is so exciting!  A few years ago I couldn't even jog for three minutes now I am jogging uphill for three minutes.

Trying 11 Minute Intervals Again 649 Calories

Success!  11 minute intervals all uphill.  Keeping track this way I can really see progress.  I'm going farther, working harder, and sweating.  Still not running uphill but very close.  I think the next one--10 minutes--is going to be the one I have to start running up hill.

Parenting 201

I had what I think may have been a bit of an "a-ha" moment.  An epiphany, if you will.  Parenting took a lot out of me.  I gave up job opportunities, did without, passed up, skipped over, rescheduled, dropped, so many things, it just got to be natural.  I loved being a mother to my son.  He's such a good kid, I couldn't imagine my life without him.  However, I must admit it took a lot out of me.  I'm kind of tired of the idea.  He was a bit of a late bloomer, had a few stutter starts, tried a lot of things, but think he's really going to make it.  He's considerate, respectful, a hard worker.  It wasn't easy.  If you've ready any of my other entries you know that he joined the Air Force and has been away at basic for three weeks today.  Not being able to worry about him has been so freeing.  My mind wants to think about other things besides him and it feels good.  I know that I did the absolute very best job I could have raising my son.  I have very few regrets.  What ones I do are so insignificant, I know he'll figure it out.  I'm ready to move into the next phase of my life and I'm excited!

However, there's one catch.

I have someone living in my house that apparently still needs parenting even into his middle forties and I'm pretty angry about it.  Actually, I'm not angry about it anymore.  Say like up until yesterday when he did something really juvenile when I decided he could do those things, I wasn't going to let it drag me down.  Where in actuality I laid down on the bed for 30 seconds and cried that I didn't want to do "this" whatever "this" was.  I sobbed.

The truth was, he'd lied to me.  Well, maybe not lied, but he'd done a trademark "in-laws" move.  He manipulated me the way he would have manipulated his parents to get them to let him do what he wants to do.  He wanted to buy something he knew he shouldn't.  He knows our situation.  He knows we don't have extra money.  See, whenever his parents would say there was no money, it would be because something new had been bought like a TV or a car.  Then there would be a comment that they didn't have money because they'd just made the purchase.  Then eventually there would be another purchase and that would put them in that same situation they felt they needed to state, "We don't have extra money." This cycle continued and continued.

Meanwhile, his mother would buy expensive clothes for my sister in law and hide them in the trunk.  Sneak them into the house and then act as if she "had" that particular item.  One time, there was a coat that she'd been forbidden to have.  His mother bought her the coat and his dad recognized it.  All hell broke loose that day.  She got to keep the coat.  This sneaky, manipulating, lieing stuff is natural in their family.

The problem I return to is I don't want to be the parent.  I'm done parenting.  I don't want to be lied to or manipulated so he can get what he wants.  He's an adult.  He knows our situation, he knows he shouldn't be making extra purchases, yet he still feels the need to lie to me about it.  Oh my God.  I wish he'd grow up.  If he wants to buy something, I have no problem with him buy it.  He just needs to remember that it's not going to be anyone's fault but his when we don't have enough money.  Every day in the adult world is full of decisions that we make.  We make them knowing all the facts and knowing we probably shouldn't anyway, but we do and then we deal with the consequences.

12 Minute Intervals Conquered

Finally did the 12 minute interval workout!  Full incline 90 minutes.  I've decided to need to keep more information like speed and miles.  Next time starts 11 minute intervals.  I was not able to do this work out last time.  The reason I went back to tackle the 12 minute, hoping I'd get stronger and be able to return to the challenge better prepared.

Another Day at 12 Minute Intervals

Today was another day to do the 12 minute interval.  I made it 74 minutes at full incline and finished the workout level.

Back to 12 Minute Interval

I seem to have found my first hurdle.  The 12 minute interval.  Tonight I made it 73 minutes at full incline and then finished the workout at level.

That Nothing Between Us

I'm really having a rough time tonight.  Something happened that I thought would be a moment that my husband and I would end up in a knock down drag out fight or we'd at least talk about what happened, instead, like all the time.  Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

He just sat there.  For 30 minutes, we just sat there.  I asked him to say what he was feeling, say what he was thinking.  He said it wouldn't change anything.  Still I felt like he blamed me.  That somehow he reasoned that this thing, this thing that happened was mostly if not all my fault.  That for some reason, I made it happend, let it happen or maybe in some way did it on purpose.

Still, he said nothing.  I told him to say something because now was the time.  He wanted to know why "now" was the time.  I told him we were both together, quiet and serious.  Now was the perfect time.  He didn't offer up anything forgiveness, exoneration, disapproval.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

So instead of feeling relieved I feel angry, disappointed, alone and unappreciated.  I feel discarded, disrespected, and most of all like this is just going to be another nothing between us.

11 Minute Intervals

First day of a new challenge.  Knowing I probably won't make the 90 minutes has been a mental block.  There were supposed to be nine intervals.  I made it to the eighth interval and quit at 88 minutes.

12 Minute Intervals 650 Calories

Made it the full 90 minutes today.  Deciding what I will do when I can't complete a workout (like yesterday).   I don't want to short myself on building for speed and stamina.  I think once I get to the point I can't do anymore incline I will finish the workout on level.

I've also decided I will alternate days at full incline and days that are level so I don't short myself on getting stronger.

Joining a Gym II: The Class

It has been one week since I joined the small, no frills gym near my house.  I really like it. I sure it has a lot more to do with my friend who is in tiny and fit being my cheerleader this week than the actual gym.  However, I like the barewood floors, concrete walls and workouts posted each day when the members arrive.

Today, I go to the owner's class to be certain I am using proper position and posture.  I'm told he focuses on all the right ways to lift and move, so it should be very informative.  After this it is $20/week to abuse my body in the best ways I could imagine.

12 Minute Intervals

8 intervals.
For the first time I was not able to complete the full 90 minutes.  I forgot to make note of the time, but I will try again tomorrow and see how far I get.

Books and Movies: 40 Days and 40 Nights

I watched 40 Days and 40 Nights for a dumb reason, kept watching it for an even sillier reason.  It was there and I needed something to distract me from walking on the treadmill and I kept watching it because I didn't want to leave it unfinished.

Josh Harnett used to be quite the heart throb.  He spent most of this movie with a worried look on his face because he was going without sex for a whopping 40 days and nights.  I guess I'm just too old for this movie.  I thought it was immature and crass.  Shannyn Sossamon's beauty and possible potential as an actress is squashed in the shallowness of this movie.

When I searched for Harnett, I found that he was in a movie called The Virgin Suicides.  I can remember wanting to see that movie for some reason.  You know, for me even when he was a hot commodity, he just never did it for me the way he did the other women.

13 Minute Intervals 638 Calories

7 intervals.
Full Incline.
Walking 90 minutes.
Not a challenge.

14 Minute Intervals 624 Calories

7 intervals.
Full Incline.
Still Walking 90 minutes.
Not a challenge.

15 Minute Intervals 579 Calories

Six intervals. 
Full Incline. 
Still walking for 90 Minutes. 
Not a huge challenge.

16 Minute Intervals 545 Calories

Still walking for 90 minutes.  Not a huge challenge.  6 intervals.

Joining a Gym

After company for a week, I have gained back the hardest five pounds it took me to lose--the last five.  I was plateaued for two months in the mid-70s.  Then when I ran the Dirty Foot, my weight began to drop again.  I lost my 45th pound!  I was in the 160s for the first time in close to 10 years.

Well, the time has come to seek a professional, so I am joining a gym.  This is not a purple gym, or a blue gym, gold gym or a gym with a juice bar.  This is a gutted warehouse with wood floors and no air conditioning.  The real thing.

Tonight is my first night.  I get a week to visit for free, then I have to go to a membership class.  If I still want to torture myself and drive 30 minutes to do it, I'm an official member of a gym.  I suppose we shall see how this goes.

Books and Movies: Beautiful Girls

Just watched a movie called Beautiful Girls (1996).  It had some interesting stars in it.  The one I was most surprised to see was a very young Natalie Portman.  She plays a 13 year old girl.  The neighbor of Timothy Hutton's father and brother.

It's one of those "high school reunion" movies where everyone has to reflect on their successes and failures and solve them by the end of the movie.  However, this had some unexpected twists as well as some predictable moments.  There are some moments in the movie that a very thought provoking and some of the really good lines of the characters are lost on the goofiness of the moment.  Lots of good metaphors about growing up, maturing, saying good by to the past.  Struggling with the future.  Just one of "those kinds" of movies.

My only criticism is that the characters seemed a little old to be having some of the troubles they were having, but maybe in small town America, this is the norm.

The movie is set mostly in small town Minnesota with an opening scene in the obligatory New York City.

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Today is the day.  We will drop my son at the airport to attend basic training in San Antonio, Texas.  He flies out April 9th.  I haven't accepted it yet.  I'm so happy for him, I haven't had time to be sad for me.  I know I will miss him, he's my world.  I wasn't surprised when he told me what he'd decided to do after three years in corrections.  Everyone else was kind of surprised, but I always kind of knew or at best hoped he'd make his way back to the Air Force.

B-24 Photo from www.mucheswarbirds.com

He loved planes.  I used to sneak him out of school, faking doctor's and orthodontist appointments to take him to the airport to see the Dragon and his Tail fly in.  He used to run outside when planes flew over head on their way to MacDill or out to the bombing range here.  Once, the Memphis Bell limped in to our little airport a stones throw across the highway.  My dad took him to see it up close and personal.  I kind of always knew I'd lose him to the planes.  He's still a little boy.

17 Minutes Intervals 531 Calories

Not much to say here today.  Six intervals, so I am into the 2 mph speed and not really feeling anything but boredom.  I'd like to think this is going to help me lose weight, but not walking this slow.  It will add up.

18 minute Intervals 516 Calories

Definitely the workout is in the incline.  Not too much sweating going on yet.  I wonder how long it will take me to get to the goal speed of 5 mph?  By the way, that's the goal speed to run this thing.  5 mph will have 7.5 miles completed in 90 minutes, so if I do this right I will cross the finish line before the required 90 minutes.

So Special

I'm surprised at how special we all think we are.  I should correct that and add how special we think we are.  I'm sure someone will read this and put their hands on their hips and insist that we are all special.  Special in our own way.  Special in God's eyes.  Special to someone.  Whatever.

I can see the look on someone's face that has convinced themselves they are just that special.  Special enough to be waited on at the restaurant.  Special enough to have someone help you to your car with your groceries.  Special enough to know the owner.  Special enough to be the first in line.  Special enough to make someone wait.  Special enough to insist on having his way.  Special enough that God bestows that one perfect miracle on you for that special, special, day . . .

If no one guessed it, I don't feel very special these days.  I've been dealing with what to do with not feeling special.  Feeling like the one in a half-a-million.  Recognizing that I will never get the plaque, the trophy, the ribbon, or even the thumbs up.  First place is not a common occurrence for me and most assuredly, my name will not be called from a podium for dedicated service.  I will not be an "of the year" to any organization or group.  I will probably not be a role model or be asked to "grant" an interview.

I'm just me.  I think I'm OK with it.

19 Minute Intervals 495 Calories

Five intervals.  I've started multiplying the calories the tread mill suggests by 1.5.   That adds a modest 50% to the calorie count, so as of this day I am burning 495 calories on full incline.  Still not a huge deal.  Started into the 2 mph range with this workout.

The Winter of Our Discontent: Don't Bring Me Down

There is something so devastating when you realize something about someone you've known for such a very long time.  One of those strategic pieces of the puzzle that makes us sit there and with our jaws slack.  We can't believe what we heard--or saw--we can't believe that in some weird way it makes perfect sense.

Then, we sit there and wonder, "Okay, now what do I do?"  Meanwhile, an awareness washes over us that makes us see that what we might have waited and waited for never would have come.  I found that out about my husband a few weeks ago.

He innocently told me he liked to ride around his neighborhood with a cassette tape player strapped to his bicycle playing the E. L. O. song,  Don't Bring Me Down over and over again.  I teased him about it for a few days, but I'm pretty sure he didn't realize what he had just revealed about himself and how much I had learned.

For whatever reason, he chooses not to know.  He chooses not to hear about it, deal with it, or address it.  He doesn't want to be "brought down."  Where does this come from?  To not want to be bothered to the point of letting someone else and other things dictate your life?  I can't imagine.  However, in my dazed amazement, I understand him a little bit more now.  I understand that a lot of what I'd been waiting for, hoping for a sign of whatever it was that made him check out of his life and let others lead.  Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

That frustration of seeing him take my lead every day of our married lives.  Experiencing nothing from him.  Nothingness.  That's more like it.  Nothingness.  I wondered why I can't talk to him about my concerns, my disappointments, my failures, my longings.  Why we didn't feel like the "best of friends."  Why wondered why anything but surface banter between us always ended in me getting angry at him and hating him.  He's not interested in what makes me who I am or anyone who they are.  He wants the surface, the exterior, the congeniality, the cordiality.  Don't bring him down.  Don't be real.  Don't be sad.  Don't be disappointed.  Don't be angry.  Don't want more.  Don't strive for improvement.  Don't expect anything from him.

Don't

Don't

Don't

20 Minute Intervals

Still not a real taxing workout.  On full incline.  Fighting the urge to turn up the speed, but I won't because I want to add speed so slowly my body will not be able to fight back.  It will just adjust and figure it out.  Five intervals.

21 Minute Intervals

21 minutes.  Still at full incline for 90 minutes.  Not even breaking a sweat, but can feel this is going to as much mental as it is physical.  Trying to get used to the 90 minutes.  Not even making it 2 miles right now seems like a waste of time.  Have to keep it in my mind that I am going to eventually catch up to myself and surpass what I had been doing and hopefully taking it slow, my body will be adjusting at the same time my mind adjusts.

22 Minute Intervals

At 22 minute intervals I added five clicks to my 90 minute time.  I have the incline set to max, so there's a little more of a workout than is showing on the calorie count.  Still not sure exactly how much without know the true incline.  I read somewhere that a 15% incline burns twice as many calories as the level.  I need to do more research.

23 Minute Intervals

I've set the goal for 7.5 miles in 90 minutes.  It will be slow progress at first, but I have all year to really focus on not grabbing the bars or quitting.  I will push through.  Today was just walking for 90 minutes.  It's been about a month since I did any running.  So I started with the setting at the lowest setting and increased my speed by one click each time another 23 minutes passed.  I increased the speed by four.  Only walking, but I think this will catch up with me quickly.

Before You Know Kindess -- Chris Bohjalian

I'm about to finish Before You Know Kindness.  I actually started this one about two years ago while on vacation, put it back and didn't get back to reading it until this past week while on vacation again.  I finished it this week.  A little longer than what I've read lately of hi, and a little confusing at first with the siblings and the brother/sister-in-law, and their two girls, but very good.  I've got less than ten pages left, I'm waiting for the one last detail than Bohjalian spends some time on about the 2/3 mark of the book, but I haven't heard or read much since.  I hope that gets resolved.  Other than that, another great read by Chris Bohjalian.

7 Mile Bridge Run

I've set a very lofty goal that includes running the seven mile bridge in the Florida Keys.  Aptly named the 7 Mile Bridge Run.  It's a year away.  I'd like to try to train for it and see what happens.  So I've made a plan to run every day of the week except for one.  I will also be setting the incline on the treadmill to the steepest setting.  I think this is 12 - 15% can't find an accurate site to help with that.  I will probably end up doing my own estimation using a protractor.

Anyway, I start tomorrow.  I'll try to remember to post something each day even if it's only my stats.

The Winter of Our Discontent: House Guest

I woke up this morning to a house guest.  A house guest I didn't know about.  My husband and my son went and picked up a family friend (his side of the family) from the airport and brought him back to our house at 11:30 or so at night.

I'm not sure where the line of communication broke down.  I just know that I almost walked out of my room in some raggedy old pajamas and no bra.  My husband had gone to work and left the bedroom door open, I wasn't thinking about company.  I started out the bedroom door, luckily, He was sitting in a chair in our living room that had its back to the door I was walking through.  I quietly closed the bedroom door and got dressed while I took a mental inventory of what had been said.  I couldn't remember.  All I knew now was there was a visitor in my living room.

I rummaged around and made some waffles and coffee.  We'd been on vacation.  There was very little food in the house.  Especially the absence of syrup after I'd already started the waffles.

Turns out my son had offered to take him down to my mother in law's house some time that morning and they didn't tell anyone because my mother in law left her volunteer position to come get him at my house.  Meanwhile, we were headed south to her house.  She wasn't home, so we went out for lunch.  It wasn't a huge deal.  Just one of those things that no one communicated about.

Fitness Tuesday: Very Sad News

I read that Dirty Foot Adventure Run is being cancelled--forever.  Apparently, they were not able to get or agree on permitting.  The one I did a few weekends ago was their third.  One would have thought they were out of the bushes.  I know these things must be very expensive.  I enjoyed the race, terrain,  and the obstacles.  In October 2011, there was another obstacle course race sponsored by another company that disappointed a lot of runners.  I had a good time.  Now this race is being pulled.  This leaves Central Florida with the Warrior Dash in February 2014.  Very disappointing.

Books and Movies: In Praise of Chris Bohjalian

It happened quite innocently.  I read a book from the library called Midwives and didn't think a thing about it.  I liked it, and the plot stuck with me more so than most books.  Then I saw the book at the bookstore with another on of his books tThe Double Bind.  I was so creeped out by this book, I had to have another.  Skeletons at the Feast, Secrets of Eden, and The Night Strangers.  I have now read five Christ Bohjalian books (that I can recall).  His books are never long--about 400 pages--there is nothing gratuitous or unnecessary.  For example, I have read books that I got into the middle and ended up skimming through the middle section and not missing a thing.  With Chris Bohjalian, the reader better pay attention and not miss a word.  Consequently, my next five reviews will be Chris Bohjalian books.  Probably not necessary to dedicate a whole blog to each book, because they are all so very good, but I think it takes a lot of work to write quality fiction and have it stick out over the others, so I'll give Mr. Bohjalian his props. 

Fitness Tuesday: Dirty Foot Adventure Run COMPLETE

Turns out the run was 5.5 miles and every bit as exciting.  As I had predicted, there was a lot of upper body strength obstacles there was no way I was going to do, but there were enough easier obstacles it didn't feel like a waste.  I went with a friend that did all the obstacles, so my time of just over an hour ended up being a pretty true time.

If you live in Central Florida, and you like obstacle course racing, I highly recommend this event for the rough terrain, and even more rough obstacles.

The next Dirty Foot Adventure Run is some time in July 2013--I think.

We will be signing up for the Dirty Duo in Sarasota that benefits their JROTC.  That race is in May, so maybe a July race will be a nice span of time?  Who knows.  I'm addicted to these things.

Books and Movies: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

I realized I have finished this trilogy and never review the first book.  I bought this book after the fervor for the Stieg Larsson trilogy had dissipated.  I didn't want to be the next one in line with the latest book, instead, I found three paperbacks and eventually made my way through all three.  I think this trilogy is best read from beginning to end.

Plot aside, one of the things that seemed to hit me about these books--and the second one--is how easily the main character seems to find someone to have sex with.  He's already in a casual sex relationship with a woman who is married and her husband knows about it, and is OK with it.  Along the way, he sleeps with others.  This disturbs me a little, but maybe it's just the times or the country the book was originally written in.

Other than that, the girl in the bookstore, was right, it took a little while for the book to get going.  I might add I was almost half way into the book before I reached that "I can't put this down" moment.  The oddest thing about reading this first book is that I found the most unbelievable character--Lisbeth-- the most believable.  There were a lot of details in this book that didn't seem necessary until reading the second and third installments.  So, if you're deciding whether to buy, finish, or complete the trilogy, it was a good read.

Beware, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest is over 800 pages long.  Ironically, it is the best of the three.  Everything finally makes sense, in other words, so hold out for the end.  There are a few things Larsson takes liberties with that left me thinking, um, no.

Winter of Our Discontent: Defensive

My husband and I are back going through one of those phases I guess couples go through.  He doesn't care and I pretend it doesn't bother me.  I suppose I could end the discussion there and save myself some time writing a blog, however, that's not the reason people write blogs.

The big picture is I'm trying very hard to gently phase us into the time in our lives when I will be going back to work.  It's going to be quite a shock for both of us and even though I've thought about it a lot.  I'm not sure who will be affected most.  The career path I have chosen is not going to be easy.  It will take a while to gain momentum, but I think in a few years, I will be making some pretty good money.  However, I don't think it will be an easy transition when it comes to our home life.  So, consequently, I've been a little more critical that usual lately.  Most of the time I just let it go.  I'm home all the time I'll pick it up, wipe it off, clean it out, etc.  Those days are quickly fleeting, so I have begun point things out like food left on dishes put away from the dishwasher.  Toothpaste on the faucet.  Facial hair around the sink.  Picking up behind ourselves, etc.  I tried very hard to make it a group effort.  For months I adamantly stood by the "we" and the "our" in critical statements.  As time progresses, nothing is changing and I will admit that I am stepping it up a bit.  I am pointing out specific things.  I try not to bring anything up two days in a row.  I try not to bring up more than one or two things at a time.  This process is so tedious.

Last night my husband had retreated to the computer room to watch hockey and pursue his hobby obsession while I tried to finish my homework for school.  I made several announcements that I was done with my homework.  What was I going to do with myself for the rest of the evening.  I even made several passes through the computer room looking for something to do.  I even stated that this was my only day off this week and I was trying to think of something to do together.  He didn't catch on to my desire to find something to do together.

Later, he began to do the dishes in his usual half baked manner.  When he left and went back to the computer room I came out to finish up.  i.e. wash out the pitcher, clean the counters, and do some busy work.  Then he suddenly reappeared and started moving papers around the counter.  Piling up unrelated coupons and pieces of plastic with newspaper flyers and mail.  I asked him rather rudely what he was doing.  He said he was "finishing" the kitchen.  This made me angry.  He was done in the kitchen until I came in and decided to finish the job.  Now he was pushing papers and junk around on the counter that had been there for a week.  I simply wanted to know why.  Why tonight?

He disappeared as soon as I turned my back.  It took me about 15 minutes to go through the accumulated miscellaneous on the counter.  I turned off the light and picked a book to read.

Mental Messages: What are You Passionate About?

If you had nothing else to do,what would you do?  When you have so much to do, you don't know what to do first, what do you wish you could do?

I've been thinking a lot about this as I work toward the end of five years back to school.  Five years.  I went 18 years dreaming about someday going back to school.  Back before my loans reached epic proportions, I used to sooth myself into thinking I could finish school and just click that off my list.  Finish school.  Check.  Things would return to where they were before.  I could keep my small struggling music teaching business and we'd ride happily off into the sunset.  Free time intact, emotions intact, and some pretty important hurdles jumped.

In those five years, my husband has gotten exactly one raise and I have lost all of my students.  I can tell you this.  After more than 20 years teaching music privately, I think I was done five years ago.  I'd lost the desire.  It had been a long time since I'd had that special student that made it seem worth it.  I'd lumbered along with just enough students for it to be annoying and too many to commit to anything else.  The truth is the business started dying 10 years ago, but that's another story.

I will be graduating in less than six months.  Anyone can do six months.  Now I realize that the original plan is not the plan.  I don't want to teach anymore.  I don't want to share my false passion for music.  I want to get a real job.  I want to obsess about my career.  I want to do well in my new life and leave the old one far far behind.  That's my passion for today.

Warrior Dash III

I was thinking today that I ran the third Warrior Dash back in January and had a good time.  I ran with a friend that has now run three of them with me.  This is the first race I ran at my new weight.  I could really tell a big difference.  I did all but the last real obstacle.  It was like two "W"s.  With nets, ropes, and pieces of wood nailed to plywood.  I made it about 1/3 of the way into it and just got worn out from waiting and holding on.

It was way too crowded at that obstacle.  We stood waiting to master it for over 20 minutes (when we finally looked at our watches).  That was disappointing to wait all that time and not be able to finish it.  It just seemed so crowded the whole time.  I think our decision to run earlier at Dirty Foot Adventure Run paid off.

Books and Movies: The Bourne Identity -- The Book

So many people have seen the movies--including me.  It seemed silly to read a book written so long based on a movie written quite a while ago.  However, I got a gift card to a books store and since that is one of my favorite things to do, I bought a triology: The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, and The Bourne Ultimatum.  Now I did learn that there are some new books being written about the main character Jason Bourne by a new author, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

It was difficult to read The Bourne Identity after seeing the movie so many times.  I remember feeling this way when I sat down to read James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans.  The book was very, very, good.  After seeing the Daniel-Day Lewis running through the woods to save Madeleine Stowe, I had to approach the book as if it were a completely different story.  Turns out, when they made the movie version of The Bourne Identity, they took a lot of liberty.  I appreciated that the book could go in to more detail.

It actually took me two tries to read the book.  I started the book on vacation, and didn't return to it until I couldn't remember what I had read (Seems I do that a lot when I start books on vacation).  I have started The Bourne Supremacy and as I stated before, got interrupted with school work, so it's back on the shelf.  The real Bourne Identity (in book form) is a good read.  It wasn't as exciting as it could have been, in that it was just close enough to the movie to spoil it, and not close enough that it didn't ruin it.  I wish I'd known about the books before practically memorizing the movies.

Overall, I wouldn't run out and buy them, but they were an exciting read that didn't require a great deal of commitment.

Winter of Our Discontent: Drive By

I think if we live long enough, we have that chapter or moment that we'd just like to forget.  One such event is a location I have to drive by just about every day.  The location is a former employer.  What a mess.  I really liked that job, but when things turned sour.  The honeymoon was over.  I quit when the going got tough, while at the same time, the going never should have gotten tough.

I drove by the building with my husband in the car.  I looked over at the building and made the statement that set the tone for the rest of the afternoon.

"Have you ever had that thing that you just kind of stay angry about?"  I paused for about a second and continued.  "What happened there never should have happened.  I think 51% of it was my fault, but it just never should have happened.  I still get angry about it.  Not anger like rage, but that annoyed kind of anger that it still bugs me.  Just a little."

My husband basically asked me when I was going to let that go.  Of course, I got angry at him.  He's lived such a charmed life.  I asked him if there was anything in his life that still kind of bugged him, even just a little.  He couldn't think of anything, so that made me more angry.  Finally, the remaining five minutes of the ride home was laced with me becoming even more angry because he'd never been hurt that badly, or affected that greatly by something he had no control over.  Must be nice.

The conversation ended with me telling him I was sorry I had things in my life that were bigger than I was.  Things I couldn't just drop, let go, or forget.

Fitness Tuesday - Dirty Foot Adventure Run!

Well, it is the first Fitness Tuesday after a year.  I am 40+ pounds down.  I've run three Warrior Dashes, one Iron Crusader and I'm scheduled to run in the Dirty Foot Adventure Run this weekend, March 9.  I've been training as much as I can since the Warrior Dash has ended up being only five weeks before the Adventure Run.  The adventure run is 4.75 miles and appears to have more obstacles.  I have been working out my upper body much more these weeks in hopes of it being enough.  I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't run any faster or farther than I could a month ago, so that last 3/4 miles are going to take nothing but grit and determination, but I think that's the idea.  I've been working on the treadmill with inclines on the theory that without the incline, perhaps the flat terrain will be easier and not be as tough on me.  That remains to be seen.

Winter of Our Discontent: Seeing Him

My last writing on this topic was a little over a year ago.  I didn't write about it when it happened, but I saw him.  I saw him at a restaurant last summer.  It's probably been about nine months.  I really didn't know how I was going to be.  I remembered how he'd promised me he could be "discreet".  He'd told me if we crossed paths in public, he'd never give me away.  I thought about how that promise had been the beginning of our end.  I'd spent my life being ignored, why would I want another person in my life to act like I didn't exist?

I was having lunch with a special friend of mine--a lady.  We entered the restaurant and I saw him almost right away.  He was sitting with what I immediately recognized as co-workers from when we were together.  Lots of "frumpy old bitties" that I knew hated him for all his annoying habits.  I wanted to put my back to him but my friend sat in the booth with her back to me, so unless I wanted to sit next to her, I was stuck facing him.

Fast forward through our lunch.  I kept the conversation lively so I could justify focusing on her and not on the rest of the room.  I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the "party" he was with was breaking up.  The ladies were gathering their over-sized purses and sweaters they saved for eating out when it was cold in a restaurant.  I saw him get up and he was walking my way.  He'd left the restaurant and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was mistaken.

After the table had emptied out and the group had dispersed, several minutes later, he appeared at my table.  Obviously a few pounds lighter, without his nerdy spectacles, embarrassing "almost" mullet, and he was speaking to me.  I thought I might throw up.

He asked me if I'd "taken care of" my situation.  Later, when I realized what he meant, I couldn't believe he was asking me about this in such a bold manner!  Right here in front of my friend he was asking me if I was still married.  Luckily I didn't catch on right away and told him I'd transferred and found the new location much more to my liking.  The people I was working with and the atmosphere was much better suited to my liking.  I felt put upon and awkward.  What was I supposed to say?

As he walked away, I hoped he felt stupid for approaching me.  I hoped he was disappointed that I'd moved on and didn't care about him.  I wanted him to feel silly and embarrassed.  I wanted him to get out to his car and feel frustrated.  I wanted him to feel DUMPED.

43 Pounds Lost! Discover an Answer

Well, it is fitting after a year away from blogging, the first thing I do is write about my 43 lost pounds.  I have tried off and on for about three or four years to lose weight.  I found an old graph in January 2011 that told the story of being unsuccessful.  In January 2011 I weighed 208 pounds, the weight fluctuated between there and 216.  In January 2012, the graph still read 208 pounds.  I believe I was done fooling around.  Everyone has to have that moment that they say this is really, really dumb.

I 'd told myself over and over, I had "narrow" shoulders, I had "fat" arms, I was a "big" girl.  The excuses just kept coming.  Creeping up on a size 20+, at 5'5" (what some might consider on the verge of being petite) something had to change.  July of 2012 I discovered the much overlooked understated mantra:

"Calories in, Calories out."

I began to use a calorie counting website July 31, 2012.  Caloriecount.com has been the answer.  The only answer.  In six months I have lost more weight than I lost in the other two-plus years of trying to exercise enough to justify eating whatever I want.

I learned through process of elimination, for me, it's going to be a pound and a half at a time and not without sacrifice.  I can't "not eat" and lose weight.  when I eat about 1200 - 1500 calories a day, I lose weight.  If I eat more, I don't lose.  If I eat less, I gain.  Yes.  That's right.  I gain.  I try for about 600 - 800 calories of activity a day for between five to six days a week.  When I'm tired or don't feel like it, I don't.  I double up in a few days or just don't worry about it.  Still, I've lost about three and a half pounds a month for the past six months.  For now, I have plateaued at the the 170 mark.  Everyday I think "this is the day I will weigh 169", the scale reads 171, 172, or the mind screaming, 170.2

Based on the calculations on the website, I do best at about 700 - 800 calorie deficit.  I try for a 1,000 calorie a day deficit and I get grouchy, weak, and can't work out at my best.

My suggestion for everyone is to skip the schemes and pills.  Join something that counts the calories for you, take a thirty minute walk or an hour bike ride on the weekend.  Remember, you have to want this for yourself and be willing to do this even when no one else cares or notices.

Another 20 miles

I was able to put another 20 miles on the treadmill this week.  I feel good about this plan.  I have not done the P90X this week, but hope to resume at least the upper body discs on my off days from the treadmill.  I was only able to do the Ab Ripper one time this week.

My best time this week was four miles in 62:44.  One of my big goals for the next few months is to get that time down to 60:00.  I am adding some tenths of a mile in my "cool down" in hopes of working up a little toward five miles a day.  I am setting a personal goal of a 10K by this time next year.  I want to surprise my tiny little friend, so I'm not saying much to her until I get closer to the 6.2 miles.

A Lazy Day

Today is kind of a lazy day.  Sitting in the recliner googling whether Beyonce was really pregnant and the Six Best Ways to Keep Your New Man.  I landed on a ranking website that ranked Rhode Island School of Design as having the number one creepiest mascot.  Apparently, it's a man's parts--down there. "Scrotie".  Ewww.

Leave it to those free thinkers.

The verdict?  I never thought Beyonce was pregnant.  I wondered how she was going to pull this off.  I think most people would have forgiven her if she'd just come out with the surrogate.  Maybe she could have said she couldn't carry babies for some medical reason.  I don't know.  Her body is how she makes money, why would she want to risk that?  I don't blame her if she wasn't.  What if she gained gobs of weight an stretched out her stomach and was never quite able to get back on top of the industry?  She'd be screwed.  That's how it is when someone has used their body to sell their singing voice.

As far as keeping my "new" man.  The list was stupid.  I'm supposed to laugh more, enjoy his hobbies, include him in my decisions, not let him monopolize my time and some other goofy things for women in their twenties and thirties that still actually think they should have to jump through hoops to keep a man.  Big tip comin' up here ladies.  If you like each other enough and your don't have any super-duper personality flaws, the rest kind of works itself out.  You'll either stay together or break up.  There's really no way around it.  Unless you go for the friends with benefits junk that is a bunch of nonsense.  Everyone knows the girl is using herself up.

So I look at the picture of the "plush" mascot representing male genetalia and just wonder where I've been that this is actually OK.

I'm Broke . . . Again

Went to the bank today.  I was $375 overdrawn.  That's always so embarassing when the teller give you this blank smile through the window.  I'm in a pickle.  Two of my students haven't paid me in MONTHS.  I'm owed something like $500 and I lost two students in January.  This is even suckier, because just maybe I can get the $500 dollars from the studetns I have, but the $120 a month is going to add up fast.  Apparently, it already has.

Logged In 20 miles and P90X

Last week was a good week for the treadmill.  As my title shows, I got in 20 miles.  5 days, four miles each.  I was going to do some uphill stuff, but it was just wearing me out too much to do anything the rest of the day.  I know with time I would have gotten accustomed to it and would have benefitted much more from the challenge, however, I need the emotional triumps almost as much as I need the physical triump, so I adjusted the treadmill to level and did four miles three more time.

I also did disc 1 of the P90X and the Ab Ripper X on Tuesday and a nother Ab Ripper on Thursday.  I started into the first 15 minutes of Disc 2.  Plyometrics are tough for me.  I wanted to power through them, but felt week and sore from doing too much on the treadmill.  I decided to put them off for Friday and as I could have predicted the days slipped away and now it is time to start a new week.  I feel good about last week's performance on the treadmill, just working through disappointment at not being able to do very much of the Plyometrics.

These are so awesome.  See the little knobs?  Those adjust the
weights that you pick up when you pick them up.  The numbers
are too small to see in this picture, but they are 5, 10, 15, 20
and 25 pounds.  This created a great workout.

For Disc 1 I used my new dumbbells.  Did I already mention I bought some Gold's Gym Space Saver  25 singles?  I love these weights.  I had some "girly" dumbells at 3, 5 and 8 pounds that were just not heavy enough.  I didn't get a good challenge out of them.  I am a new convert to "free" weights.  I've worked out on a circuit trainer for years and never saw some of the disadvantages.  Now I'm not slamming a circuit trainer because something is better than nothing, but free weights are definitley where it's at for a wholistic training session.

The balancing muscles don't get used when you are pulling or pushing stable weights.  When you sit or lean against something, you are actually almost doing yourself a disservice.  However, something is always better than nothing.

So that's where I was at and going into this week.  I'm going to try to stick to the 20 miles and try to get through the Plyometrics video.  I love P90X.  I hope I can do it someday.

Winter Of Our Discontent: Is This the Moment?

I slept in a little this morning and a thought occurred to me that has occurred to me before but I didn't give it much attention.  When I was in the beginning of tenth grade or even perhaps the summer before tenth grade, my mom left me and my dad and took my two sisters to another state.  I remember being told she was going over there to go to a different doctor.  There is a great deal of tragedy that has followed her decision that she never could have predicted.  A seriously sad chain of events critical to my future and the future of the family.

I kind of suppose up to this point in my life--what was I 15 or 16--I didn't do much caring what was going on around me.  I was just living my life.  So when the other shoe dropped I didn't give that much mind either.

I was given a choice.  Leave my friends, my school, my home and go with them or stay with my dad and live my mom's friends during the week and live at home on the weekends.  Now I know at the time I was in the tenth grade.  I was playing in a big band and felt very much a part of the group.  I'd been first chair all through middle school and the first two years of High School.  I had some friends in the band and my best friend at the time was  my locker mate for the last two years.  These are the things that are important to a tenth grader with little else.

What I had at home was strife.  My older sister was a little bit of a bully, and my younger sister had been a sickly child, so she inherently got the lion's share of attention.  I didn't know my dad as much as I should have at 16.  I wanted to stay behind.  Things here might not have been the greatest, but at least I had stability.

So, that day my mother, two sisters and the family dog packed up the station wagon and left.  I don't remember feeling much of anything about their leaving.  That bothers me a little.  What bothers me more is what happened to all of us that year or so and the butterfly effect that followed one woman's decision.

Mental Messages: How Do Other Women Do It?

Where do they go to shed this weight of being a woman?  This heavy burden of being "emotional", "moody", "flighty", "quirky"--the list goes on.  Some times I just don't want to exist anymore.  It's so heavy on my soul today, I really have to keep going just to survive.  I don't know who to be, how to be, or what to be.  I'm so frustrated with the world around me.  I try not to be weak and I get abandoned.  I try to be decisive and I get rebellion.  I try to be firm and I get attitude.  I try to be clean and organized and I get disrespected.  I try to include and end up being excluded.  I try to not talk and I get ignored.  I try to talk and get interrupted.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I have no one.  Everyone is so busy.  I have opened up to a few people in my life and was met with disinterest.  People I thought loved me and cared about me are just too busy to deal with me.  It's your decision.  Just pick yourself up.  What are you complaining about?  At least this, at least that.  I want to crawl on a rooftop and tell the world I am dying inside from trying to figure out what to do, how to be, what to be . . .maybe someone would notice what it has felt like to be me.  Even if for a brief moment.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

I once dreamed.  I dreamed of family, of happiness, and of satisfaction.  I dreamed of holidays, vacations, plans and change.  I hoped for the future and reveled in the past.  My days were filled with pleasing those I loved.  Now I wonder what those I love fill their days with.

Back to the Treadmill

I'm back on the treadmill and I've decided that this year my goal will be four miles.  Seems a little goofy knowing that my goal last year was three miles and I didn't make it.

Here's the difference.  I realize my failure in that I kept trying to peak.  I pushed myself and when I could perform, I got discouraged and gave up.  I've pretty much gone back tot he drawing board again and set the goals and try to stick with them.  The idea that "At least I'm doing something" isn't goin to work with me anymore.  I'm going to run four miles and I'm not going to take year to do it.  I am doing four miles (two at incline and two flat) in 100 minutes.  I realize that is super slow, but I want to go faster and faster little bits at a time.

If I did the math correctly I should be doing four miles in an hour in about 7 weeks.  I am also going to be doing the P90X alternately until my stamina for running improves.  I know the program prescribes everyday, but again, I will be fighting a psychological battle as well as a physical battle.

Wish me luck!

2012 Is Your Year

I heard it a few times.  That's an exaggeration.  Well, maybe in a conversation.  Apparently, 2012 is her year.  A new boyfriend and a new job.  Things couldn't get any better than they are right now.  For Her.

So on the way home I go into my usual funk when things haven't gone my way.  I now want to know when is my year.  When do I get the metaphorical new boyfriend and new job?  Why do I get to keep the old model and still don't have a real job?  I'm grouchy about it now.  It's been a few days and I've stewed on the whole idea of when it was goin to be my year.

I've tried to think of a time when things went well for me for any extended period of time, much less in multiples and I couldn't think of anything.  I think I permanently live in half-baked world.  Very little of what I do is ever much more than  mediocre success and it's always an uphill climb.

Ah well, I hear my husband snoring from the other room so it must be 1:00 in the morning.  It is.

You Should Be Thankful

Tonight my husband was emptying the dishwasher.  I caught him about to nest pots that were close in size.  I'd asked him not to do that in the past, so I made a point of telling him not to do what I'd already made of point of telling him not to do.  He made some sort of stoneage grunt when he bent over to put the pots away under the sink.

I heard him start to say I should be thankful.  Thankful for what, that you emptied the dishwasher?  Ummm, gee, thanks, but no thanks.  You'd have to do that anyway.

My dilemma in all this is that I don't feel like saying thank you anymore for something that he would have to do himself.  I dont' feel like saying "Thank You for emptying the dishwasher, thank you for folding the clothes, thank you for vacuuming. . ."

I hate that nerve.  When somebody hits it, I got blind.

So should I be thankful he does what he does because he'd have to do it if he lived alone, or am I to be thankful he does anything?  Like I should be thanful he doesn't stop at a bar and drink his paycheck away on the way home from work.  I'm afraid I wouldn't be married or stay married to a drunk, so why should I have to be thankful to someone for doing what he'd have to do anyway.

Warrior Dash II -- Perfect Pull Ups and Push Ups

Well, the Warrior Dash is behind me.  I enjoyed myself much more this year.  The pressure of the unknown is over.  I was able to do many of the obstacles just because I already had.  There were some new obstacles.  I especially like the floating one!  I came so close to giving up.  I just hung onto the rope to see what others were doing, and when I picked my strategy I hauled myself up  and made it out and over the other side!  I specifically needed this today because I've been so negative about the rest of  my life.

I am looking forward to the day I do all the obstacles.

The only ones I can't make are the walls.  This tells me I need to work on my upper body.  My husband bought me the Perfect Pull Up about a month ago.  I've been using it and probably would not have been able to get out of the water had I not been.  I am going back to P90X on Monday--once I am recovered from the race.  I hope to do something in March.

The girls that I've managed to team up with are war horses.  They are going to do the Metro Dash in March.  They have not invited me, and I have not invited myself.  I want to take what is left of January and February to really work on my upper body strength.  If it is not to late, I will decide then and offer myself as a team member.

Over all, it was a good day.  A lot of sand that was very difficult to run in, but I strove to do my best an "forget the rest".  I actually injured myself somewhere along the way and I'm not sure how.  I didn't know I'd broken the skin until I got in the water and it started to sting like crazy.  I looked down and saw a small amount of blood.  Best I can recollect it was when I slid through the ladder going down off the cargo ropes.  Good times.

There is also a general 5k in March another friend of mine is doing.  She runs regularly, however, and I don't see her being as kind as the women I am running with now.  She would probably leave when she was done and its still pretty hard to do one of these things without a cheer squad waiting at the end.  That's one thing I never thought was important until I have it now and realize that know they are there and watching makes me try harder.

Back to School: Fundamentals of Cheating

I am now in week four of my fourth class at University of Phoenix.  I've been here long enough now that I can post the name of the school without feeling like I am doing the school a disservice.  At have a 94.5 in the class at the moment.  However, my grades from week three have not been posted yet.

This class marks 17 classes until I am done with this idea.  I am now wishing it was over.  I want to learn and I want to experience and I know I will miss that most of all, but I will not miss the students that want to be spoon-fed.

I'm sure the odds were destined to catch up with me, but I have experienced some new things.  Cheating and laziness.  I suppose the lazyiness isn't new, but when you read this you will be surprised at the new levels.

So, about the cheating.  It has happened in two classes.  Both times the cheating was more rooted in plagiarism than in actually cheating on something like a test, but it's still cheating in my book.  The first was a team mate submitted a flowchart as her work.  She posted "Here is my flowchart." among some other statements that said me that she was claiming a flowchart she had copy/pasted from a website as her own work.

The odd thing about that particular event was that I stumbled upon the exact same flowchart while I was looking for an example to study for the exact same assignment.  I called her on it and told our team leader.  Nothing was done.

In the next class.  I had a classmate copy/paste our teamleader's work and post it as his in his team's forum.  That was bold.

I have also had the same student in two classes in a row now that posts the same response to everone's post--over and over again.  Within the post he adds a short sentence to "personalize" the post a little, but it's the same response!  He made it throught the other class even after someone else in the class called him on it.  Here is the irony.  He was the one that copy/pasted the work from my teamleader to his team.  The icing on that lovely little cake is that there were members of the class that defended him and said for people to stop singling him out.

Um excuse me, you cheated and you can't even manage to write your own posts.  When I saw him name on the roster for this class I knew I was not going to give him a moment of my time.  He posted one of his copy/paste reponses to my post and nested some kind of flattery in the middle with a question about the assignment.  I didnt' respond.  I don't care if I get counted off for not responding, I'm not going to waste my participation on a slacker.

Winter Of Our Discontent: It's Been A While

It's been a little while since I posted something under this label.  It's not because I haven't been discontent.  I've been very discontent.  I've also been very busy with school, so when it hits me, it hit me hard.  It hit me pretty hard on Monday night and I've been grumbling ever since.

I wonder why I have the gift of being disappointed and discontent.  Why am I not satisfied with status quo the way the men in my life seem to be?  Why do I want more?  Why is there always a better?  I search my heart to find if this is wrong or selfish and all I find is more dissatisfaction.

So to sit back and be satisfied would be a disservice to me because I'm not satisfied.  I want some thing back that I've lost and I want to be rid of some things I've gained.  I want a different life and I want to be able to decide who's in it.

Mental Messages: Other People's Blogs -- Their Corner of the World

I've been looking at other people's blogs and I stopped on a blog of a woman that bakes cakes with her husband in Las Vegas.  I was so drawn into her blog and pictures, 30 minutes went by before I realized I'd been looking reading and reading and reading . . .

She's cool.  A cool mom, a cool wife, a small business owner that's actually making it, she's got cute hair, tattoos . . .

I realized I was doing it again.  Comparing myself to them.  To those out there that survive, that make it, that rise to the top.  Over the years I've been a lot of things and none of them were a success.  There wasn't really anything I could take a picture of and say:

"Look what I did today!"

That kind of bothers me.  I'm not jealous, just bothered.  Bothered by the knowledge that I know how to do a lot of things ok, I know how to do some things pretty good and there a few things I can actually do and put a small price tag on, but is there anything that I do that I can wrap a business around and two years into be asking myself if I'm ready to take it to the next level?  If I'm ready to have "help"?

Nope.

Just as I struggled when I first started this blog.  I got nothin'.  I can take a picture of a pan of brownies or a pot of steaming rice or an organized cabinet, but I really would like something I can hang a price tag on and call my own.  I'm searching for a niche.  A spot.  A corner of the world that I can call mine and charge you for entering it.

Fitness: Warrior Dash II and the P90X

I has been a year since I ran my first obstacle course race.  I've tried sporadically throughout the year to land on a fitness regime that would work for me.  So here I am a year later almost at the same place I was a year ago.  I ran on Wendesday with a friend.  She is thin and younger than me, but a good friend seems to want me to succeed.

The choices I've stuck to the best have been bicycling, running and P90X.  Although I only made it a few weeks into the P90X, I could definitely see an almost instant improvement in my posture, balance and--of all things--my feet.  I am flat-footed.  I have some problems held over from a birth defect that make me incrdebly pigeon toed or duck toed.  I never know which it is.

My feet are just more comfortable splayed out.  When I started doing P90X I almost immeditely saw a change in my feet.  The new muscles began to pull my feet in and the arches up.  Is that possible.  I don't know.  Maybe that is the first thing I will ask someone that would know.  After the race I am going back to the P90X.  For now, I will alternate between the days I run and the P90X because running still takes so much out of me.  For that someday when I can run three miles and not crawl to the front door the next morning, I will start doing P90X and running on the same days.

Home Wrecker #2: Kicking It Out To Make It Better

By the end of the hour I will be done moving Kitchen Tradition here:

http://kitchentradition.blogspot.com

Bon Appetit!

Home Wrecker: Kicking It Out to Make It Better

I have decided to divide up my blogs.  The first to go is my Sew Retro! grouping.  You can find it here:

http://sewingretro.blogspot.com/

I finished moving everything earlier this evening and although it is going to be a while until I have everything all situated again, I am happy with my decision.

What would you like to see more of and what can you do without?